The Status Quo

Earlier in the week, we had made plans to get together last night to meet my friend Matt's new BF.  Systematically, the plan fell apart with people canceling and I spent my day trying to corral people together to make it nice for Matt, to the point of an upset stomach.  'Come meet my friends' doesn't go over so well when noone shows up.  Needless to say, by the time came for us to meet, there was a poor showing and, oddly, even Matt was about an hour and a half late.  It just goes to show you that fun can't be planned.  It just has to happen and why I spend a great deal of time trying to make things nice for people with no reception is beyond me.

When I lived in Philly, I had a group of friends that consisted of about 15 people.  We got together a few times a week and enjoyed each other's company.  We never fought with each other, caused problems or stirred the drama pot.  We supported each other in our lives and decisions without judgement or prejudice and did things unselfishly, without question or argument for the friend or the group.  We approached our conflicts head-on, and not behind backs... and the lines of communication were open.  We respected each other's time and decisions.  Life was quiet and simple and it just came together naturally, void of spite, jealousy and ulterior motive.  I wish I had that now.  I miss it.

Sitting down to lunch yesterday with an old friend and a brand new one, it was interesting to see things from a fresh point of view... one that doesn't just accept the current structure of the group as the norm and acceptable.  By the time we were done and I got feedback from my new friend, I was embarrassed, disappointed and appalled at the group's history of behavior... (including my own participation) and moreso that, in comparison to my old group and the stark difference of dynamic, that this is my life at this point.  The funny thing is that the other group, all of us in our early 20's, acted more like adults than the current group, most over their 40's.  The whole thing saddens me for many reasons, none of which are worth listing because things will never change and I'm just exhausted with it all anyway.  Again, not personally void of past participation, I'm dedicated to change for the better.

Paraphrased from my new friend's blog (I couldn't have said it better): 

More to the point, I was a third party (or maybe a fourth or fifth, who knows) witness to some of the nasty little things "friends" can be capable of. It made me appreciate the drama free (for the most part) existence of my own friendships. Friends are a luxury that I am so grateful to have. No matter the strength of them. This is perhaps one label that I might just force myself to uphold. I have friends of varying closeness, varying distances; however, it seems the common denominator in all of them is that extra little extension of common courtesies. That extra little sacrifice of my time. That extra little, "Okay so he likes oprah....shit....I guess I can join him this once." Making a person feel like its okay to be themselves. Even if its socially weird or unexpected, or unbecoming, its still okay by me. Whatever it is, as a friend I will kindly chalk it up to the greater sum of you. I will be there when you call (or more realistically, I will call you back as soon as I find my phone lol), meet you when I promise, treat you like a human being, care about the things you care about (because you care, and I care about you), listen to the things that bother you, and be your shoulder whenever it is within my power to do so. In short, if I am your friend, then I will be your friend. No shortcuts, no cut corners, no bullshit. Common courtesies should be built into the structure of any friendship I think. Not tacked on whenever its convenient. People are different and friendships are always their own thing, but disrespect, rudeness, and drama should not be the main expressions of them. A few times, yes of course, it happens, we are people. But a too common of an occurrence leaves a nasty stain, and too many stains will ruin even a good pair of jeans.