1000 Posts

I've posted these little milestones along the way since I started this blog almost two years ago.  Writing 1000 posts kind of makes me feel like I'm full of myself sometimes, but, again, the overall goal was for me to work through my issues by talking it through, and that's what I've done.  Sometimes, I realize it's hard for, especially, those closest to me.  I don't hold back... it's mind-to-mouth with me.  There are two things about me that I haven't talked about that I'll be sharing... and will be fairly uncomfortable for me to reveal... nothing major... just a few topics that I've shyed away from but are a part of me.

Anyway, thank you to those who have been here since the start... those who pop in every now and again... and who have just started.  The time and dedication is much appreciated.  I hope it's been informative... and fun.

A Slice of Heaven, in 2011

2010 was a productive year for me...

- I completed the first full year of my contract with the Marriott, contributing to high inspection scores and possibly the hotel getting 'Marriott of the Year' out of 300+ hotels across the country.
- I sold my Dad's house, got his finances in order as well as resolved some of my nephew's school loans
- Managed to distance us from my brother and his antics
- Did a lot of self-discovery and worked through some issues.

It doesn't sound like much looking at it in retrospect... it was definitely more exhausting than it sounds.  Anyway, I have decided to make a commitment to myself in the next two and a half months before my contract starts again to work on my body through excercise and nutrition.  It's blaringly obvious that I need to make changes.  With this time off, there's no reason why I can't do it.  I'm sitting down today to write my short-term goals out which will include no more pop or coffee... a week on the South Beach Diet to curb my carbs/sugar cravings and getting back into the gym.  I'm taking it a little at a time... with just goals to get me through the next three months.  No sense biting off more than I can chew.  I find that I accomplish more that way.

Tonight, I'm heading over Michael and Thomas' for a low-key NYE celebration... tomorrow, there will be changes.  Happy New Year to all... may this coming year be filled with the best of health, wealth and happiness!!

YUM !! (Boys Celebrating New Year's)

Resolutions to Goals to Accomplishments

I've been talking a bit already about resolutions for the coming year, but it's time to actually turn them into goals.  I've never actually sat down and wrote them down, although I believe in the process.  Analyzing everything you do and how that fits into or helps you accomplish your goals is the only way to reach them.  With a lot of time on my hands until the middle of March, there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to do this. 

For Christ's Sake (Literally)

Recently, a very good friend of mine asked me to join her at Christmas eve mass to share in a moment of peace and tranquility and that I wouldn't have to partake in the rituals (stand up, sit down, kneel, pray, be fondled, wash the Priest's Lincoln, etc.).  I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't instantly enraged at the idea of being put in that position, especially with her knowing my stance on religion.  After I rationalized that she is a great person and didn't merely want to see if I would spontaneously combust stepping foot in a religious venue for the entertainment of the parishioners, I calmed down a bit.  My next line of thought was why she'd want me, someone who ridicules the rituals and who would be at anything but peace throughout, to accompany her, followed by how I could sit there and not do all the rigmarole that those around me were doing unless I was sitting in the confessional and nobody would see me.  Somewhere in there was having to get dressed up and not wear a hat... and lastly, and this is the biggie... how could I step foot in an institution that thinks that I am going to hell... and should be stoned in the center of town... and shouldn't be allowed to marry... and (the list goes on).

In the past, I have attended Catholic churches... Presbyterian... and non-denominational (my favorite cause we sang a lot) churches.  I have read many books, including excerpts from the Bible.  I have engaged in many conversations about the logic of some of the scripture resulting in backing the person into a corner where they have no logical answer, which I guess is the true meaning of 'faith'.  There's a saying... 'treat religion like your genitalia... don't pull it out in public and don't ram it down your kids' throats'.  I have to disagree, because I feel that it's much easier to believe when you are younger and don't have the capacity to question it.  Which brings me to the question 'are you better off'?

I guess I identify as Atheist, but I do have some beliefs.  I believe that you live, say 7, lives and experience different things in each (maybe sickness in one, poverty, etc.) that prepares your for your 'big daddy of them all' life where you put it all to good use.  I believe there may have been a dude named Jesus that had some good things to say.  I believe that the church does some good in the people that can't think for themselves and find their own way without shooting someone.  I believe that gays don't necessarily have to be recognized in a traditional 'marriage' (unless you're a gay Catholic, then I guess it would suck that something you believe in doesn't believe in you) and that a civil union would be fine if it carried all the same legalities.  But I also believe that the shit that goes down in the name of a God are perhaps the worse things that happen in the world... and will be the cause of the end of the world.  I believe that the rituals are cult-like and no one knows what they're saying or why they're saying it, they just do it and don't question it because it's how you were brought up.  I believe that there are more hypocrites that subscribe to an 'ala carte' belief system for whatever is convenient or suits their needs or makes them feel good about themselves or forgiven.  As much as I find it all ridiculous, I definitely have more respect for people who follow it to the letter.  That a Christian can cheat, steal, etc. and say 10 hail Marys and all is forgiven and they are going to heaven.... and I (considerate and helpful and whatever) am going to Hell for being gay, is something that I just can't wrap my head around.  Especially since it's not stated as such in the Bible, but rather in the prejudice of the minds of the followers to make themselves feel more safe and comfortable about their bigotry and fear that the church instills.

If you are naive enough to think that there isn't hate for gays coming from the religious, then you must live under a rock.  For the purpose of this post, I'm not going to go into all of the inequalities that we, as gay, go through, although it does further explain why there's such outrage in the community... but it's stuff like what's going on over the last couple of days that really make me think that anyone that follows these religious leaders are total idiots.  Pat Robertson stated that the snow storm that New York City recently got was God's way of stopping people from doing something gay.  And that straight people that live in NYC should really think about if they're not really gay, because they live there.  And the Pope practically condoning pedophilia by saying that it's much more widely accepted nowadays.  And his speech, heavy on forgiveness for the Priests involved, was very light on consequence for their actions.  These examples are what is going on every day in the religious community.  To quote my friend Scott... "you can't make this shit up".

I could go on and on about how ridiculous these latest revelations are but I won't because it's like rubbing salt into an open wound.  The problem is that most religious people won't even question these behaviors let alone agree that it's sheer lunacy... or worse, accept them as their mantra because it came down from above.  I guess there is some movement to free-thinking since the religions are fastly losing followers.  What I would be thinking about if I were a Christian is what is my level of fucking 'stupidness' that I would allow the institution that I belong to carry on this way... spread this crap... spit in it's followers faces... and lastly, will I have the sense to not run a plane into a building in the name of some God because I was told to do so?  Again, while I don't believe in organized religion, but I do believe in religious convictions... so if you are going to be a card-carrying Christian, then get up off your lazy ass and stick up for yourself against the wrong-doings committed in the name of your God. 

Blast From The Past

When I was rooting through my picture bins, I came across these two pictures that highlight the many hair transformations that I have undergone.  In the picture of me in a tux, with my friend Robert, you can see that I didn't have a hat on and that I was sporting only a moustache (circa 1991) and the other , with my friend Vance, was in my preppy stage (circa 1993), with my khaki pants, button-down shirt and fancy watch.  Again with the carefully spritzed and sprayed hair, but this is the only time in my life (other than pre 14 years old) that I haven't had some sort of facial hair, be it a moustache, goatee or beard.  The goatee period occupied 1995 through 2008.  I can only assume that my current style (full beard, hat, t-shirt, jeans, no watch) manifested itself from just plain laziness.

Double Down

I had a great time at the Rivers Casino today with Matt and John.  I'm used to the games and the layout of Wheeling Island, so it was hard to find stuff and keep my bearings in there.  The whole place was done in very rich, dark, masculine colors and was a nice break from the cheeky decor at most older casinos, like balloons on the floor surrounded by streamers, etc.  It had it's share of architectural, lighting and water features to make it interesting.  The stairway leading to the buffet is all glass, affording a beautiful view of the river and Mt. Washington.  We went up to the buffet, which was fantastic (but slightly pricey at $19.00) and offered sections of light fare from Mongolia, Asia, Italy, America and others, along with a lavish selection of desserts and goodies.  Of course, I had to eat twice as much as I should have.  They had a chilled dispenser for wine, which was neat... oh... and the bathrooms had the Dyson hand dryers that the other casino had.

I was able to find one or two of my favorite games and lost my customary $40.00 that I allot myself.  Compared to the other casinos where the average age is 75... it was a nice change to see a lot of younger people, especially the younger, cute guys.  It's amazing that it was either young guys or old ladies.  I became a member of the Players Club because you really can get a bunch of free stuff that way and since I plan on stopping back.  The last picture is from the other side of the river on the way home... you can see the green and red chandelier in the glass window... and, to the far right, you can see the lights strung upon the docked submarine.  (Sadly, most of the pictures are blurry)

Life's a Gamble

I haven't had my slots days with my friend Scott in a while.  With the weather and his schedule, it's been harder for him to get off the hill at camp and meet me.  The funny thing is that a year or so, they built the Rivers Casino (aptly named for it's location at the intersection of the three rivers) right downtown (10 minutes from me) and I haven't been there yet.  This isn't my reasoning, but most people hate to drive downtown first of all, and then the stigma of trying to find parking (although they have parking right there for free) so I don't think it's doing so well.  To make matters worse, there was an armed robbery in the parking garage a few months back, which didn't help.  I think the older people love to get on a bus and ride to the other casinos in the area (one 30 minutes away, and one an hour away) or drive their big fat Buicks down the highway, steering clear of the 'dreaded' city and it's hustle and bustle (not to mention having to go over a bridge or through a tunnel).

Located right near both Heinz Field (football) and PNC Park (baseball), and next to the Carnegie Science Museum and some kind of Sports Hall of Fame and a docked submarine... and with a beautiful view of the city... they did a great job of transforming the 'North Shore' into an entertainment megaplex.

I'm heading down there today to meet up with Matt and my ex, John.  I'll play my standard $40.00 in the penny slots and spend most of the time watching other people being excited when they win and checking the place out.

Pecking Order

It's been fairly uneventful the last couple of days.  I did some running around yesterday and felt tired, cold and weak, so I came home and got into my bed and pretty much slept through a party that I was supposed to go to last night.  I woke up fine this morning, but it felt like I was coming down with something.  Today, I had lunch with a friend and putzed around a bit.

My brother entered back into the rehab facility.  I'm not sure if he has relapsed (again) or he's just faking it for a warm bed after he was thrown out of his friend's apartment.  You never know the truth.  It should be quiet for a while.  My nephew started his new job at a college downtown... he'll be able to finish his million dollar education for free after 6 months of employment, and he seems to like the job and the money is good.  He also moved out on his own, so that seems to be settling down somewhat as well.

The big upset at this point is that there is a hawk that has been swooping down on the birds at my Dad's feeder on the back deck.  My Dad saw it pick up a bird today... so the feeder is like a ghost town.  I was out today and picked up a bird caller for him.  It's pretty simple, but it sounds just like a bird.  That should keep him occupied for ten minutes.

Hit Me on my Egg Noggin'

There's a lot of peer pressure at this time of year... trying to find that perfect present... trying to throw a great party... trying to get through the mountain of food that your Mom is trying to stuff down your throat... and if you're a stress eater like I am, it's hell running around trying to get everything accomplished for the holidays and not feeding your face in the necessity of time or comfort.  Isn't "stressed" spelled backwards "desserts", after all?  Even Webster's has it in for me.

There's one force that can't be reckoned with.... You.  Let's face it, we've all been there.  "I'm going on a diet right after the holidays"... "on Monday"... "on"... but that day never comes.  What does come is the onslaught of self-loathing and guilt which, if you're anything like me, follows with more eating.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  Why do we, and society, put so much pressure on being thin?  Although there's a huge difference between being an unhealthy weight and being overweight, we are a country of overweight people... just take a minute out to think how many unhappy, self-loathing people there are out there... lots!

This time of year not only offers a pile of good food to eat, but it does it right before resolutions are to be made, followed by Lent... two times of the year where you're supposed to give up your bad habits and turn over a new leaf.  Diet, stop smoking, stop cursing, stop drinking... all the things that make us happy one minute, but have some adverse effect on us at some other point.  And we're supposed to replace it with stuff like spending more time with the children, learning a new language, going to the gym... ahhhhh... no wonder we don't do that crap... that doesn't sound like fun...  It sounds like work.  It's been on my resolution short list to learn Spanish for the last 15 years.  Tanto por que!!  That hasn't happened.

There's always this push and pull with me.  One day, I'm plump and happy, the next day I want to be skinny and sweet.  The same goes with changing our personalities... letting go of things, making amends, turning over a new leaf.  Is it all unattainable?  Are we chasing a dead end?  Or are we just lazy?  I truly wish that I could be self-centered enough or have the mental focus to make it a priority to transform my body (into something that I may want?)... and on the other hand, I wish that I could just be happy with who I am at this point in my life.  It seems as though both are unattainable, doesn't it?

Someone pass the pizzelles. 

A Locomotion's Worth of Commotion

My friend Anna Marie was kind enough to invite me to Christmas dinner yesterday with her boyfriend (Steve), father and my friend Matthew.  It turned out to be Steve's two sons and her Aunt and her friends as well... a full house.  From some of my other posts (mostly about my two exe's big Italian family dinners), you probably know that I don't do well around a lot of commotion.  When I used to go to my exe's holiday dinners, I would have to drive separately, get there later and leave early.  Anna Marie has one volume to her voice (hog callin'), whether she's indoors or out... so, needless to say, there was a ton of commotion.

The dinner was absolutely spectacular.  Never before experienced, we had two main courses... one with stuffed shells and spaghetti and salad... the other with filets, mashed potatoes, veggies, cornbread hash, etc.  Even taking small portions of each thing (14 total), I was stuffed.  After dinner, they pulled out videos of their trip to Italy a few years back and that's when the hog callin' crossfire began, with the whole family chiming in.  Since Anna was taking the video at the time... and narrating it as well last night... she was in stereo.  It was a fantastic day/evening and I'm so glad that they invited me, but I was happy to get home, retire to my bedroom and peacefully sit there a bit before falling asleep.

This year, Christmas wasn't so bad, even without being medicated.  I enjoyed seeing all my friends who were in town and those that live here, touching base with those on Facebook and through emails and texts, and a few holiday parties... but I'm glad it's over now.  Time to move forward.  I'll probably head out to some stores today... even with all the commotion, I'm feeling kind of isolated when everything's closed down for a day or two.

I'm not sure what I'm doing for New Years yet... I wanted to go out to Philadelphia, but none of my friends will be around.  They are supposed to get 10" of snow today and part of me almost hopped in the truck and headed out there today 5 hours to be in the middle of it all.  We're supposed to get a bit of it today, but probably not more of an inch.  I bought that frickin' snow blower, so it better start snowing soon.  I'm still not over Winter this year... bring it on.

White Christmas

I guess Santa's environmental stance on fossil fuels is why I didn't even get a lump of coal in my stocking... I must have been bad this past year... very bad.  I fell asleep around 10:00 last night and was up at 7:00 thinking 'hell no'... please don't get up this early, but I did.  I opened the blind to see a clean blanket of snow on the ground, with a steady trickle still falling.  I've been in Florida the last three Christmases (the last two actually on Christmas Day), so it's been a while since I've seen a white Christmas.

YUM !! (Sexy Santas)

The Twelve Minutes of Christmas

It's funny... if you don't work in the customer service/retail industry... don't work in a traditional office... don't have kids... and don't get caught up in the hustle and bustle of gift buying... Christmas can really sneak up you before you know it without warning and be gone.  I was out today doing a few things and noticed that it wasn't as crazy as years gone by, like I remember.  I usually like to go out amongst all the last minute shoppers, especially when I don't have anything to accomplish, which puts me in the mood.  There were some light flurries throughout the day and there's a medium dusting on the ground for a white Christmas.  It will make it easier for Santa to get around tonight, not that his fat ass will be stopping here.

Last night, I met up with about 35 classmates from my high school, from varying graduating years.  There was a Penguins game and a Steelers game going simultaneously, and we were in a sports bar.  It was great that people could come out for a bit right in the midst of all that they have going on at this time of year.... and it was interesting to see people all grown up.  It was a fun night of drinking and eating and, hopefully, we'll be doing another one in a few months.

I was just downstairs making an eggnog cake (yes bitches, I can cook.. jealous?).  I picked up a few movies and my Dad's in his sitting room watching TV.  I was able to meet up with a lot of people that I haven't seen in a while for lunches and whatnot lately, spoke to some people on the phone and caught up with some on Facebook.  I stopped at my Aunt's house today and brought her flowers and I have a dinner with friends tomorrow night.  Tonight, it's me, my woobie and my TV.  My work is done.  I have a strange feeling of peace.  All is good. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and all that... to everyone!!

Hoppy Little Fluffy Bunny

It was the night (or two) before Christmas, and all through the (town)house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.... except my brother, who is more like a rat.  So I'm sitting in my room catching up on a little bit of saved DVR quality programming and I hear the home phone ringing in the distance.  The phone is in my Dad's bedroom, and somehow he didn't hear it (which I then start to think that he's dead, since it's literally one foot from his head).  I know it's my brother because I have the Vonage modem in my room and I can see who's calling.  Yesterday, we got about 13 calls from him wanting everything under the sun, including a condo in Boca, practically.  After screaming at him and hanging up, that was the last of it, prior to the midnight call.  About 1 a.m., there's a knock on the front door and subsequent doorbell ringing.  So I throw on something presentable, because I didn't know who it might be... and it was him.

My brother is the biggest liar ever, so you never get the full or correct story.  Apparently, as per him, the guy that he was hanging with was doing drugs, and being a person on the straight and narrow, he didn't want to be in that environment. I suspect that it's more because he hasn't had any money to give the guy and he was sick of my brother free-loading (although my brother denied that when I asked him).  He wanted me to take him to the South Side to a shelter, so I got dressed and came back down (leaving him outside, since everything in the house would have been gone, including the paint on the walls.  The car in the driveway that brought him (that he said just picked him up when he saw him walking) was still there, and while I was upstairs, he supposedly said that he would take him down there, so I didn't have to.  And then it came... 'well, maybe you could give the guy a few bucks for gas, since I don't want to put him out'... oh, it's ok that you put my Dad out for upwards of $150,000... and me probably $5,000 over the years... and you wake me up at 1 a.m.... but you don't want to put a stranger out for $2.00 worth of gas.

The only comparison to how my brother 'attacks' our lives is imagining a litter of baby bunnies in a breezy field... sun shining on their  soft, fluffy fur... hopping carelessly... nibbling on fresh clover by a babbling brook... frolicking merrily with their brothers and sisters.... giving each other bunny nose kisses....  and....

SSSSWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP....

a hawk comes in a plucks one of them up and flies off with it... only to drop it as it wriggles around and it falls on it's head... dazed and confused, it tries to run and smacks into a fence post 43 times before the hawk gains it bearings and swoops in again chopping it's little adorable bunny head off in one beak bite and the other half of it's body plummets to the ground and is gobbled up by a pack of wolves that just happened to be standing there ... well, you get the picture, probably too vividly.

I had a hard time getting back to sleep.  It makes me feel like I am some bad person, especially at this time of year, but it's really important for his own advancement that we not do anything for him because that's less that he'll do for himself, relying on his survival instincts that he's never had to use, except when he needs drugs.  I don't understand the mentality that I or my Dad is expected to solve all his problems.  I'd like for there to be someone that is responsible for my shit when it goes wrong... I can't even imagine that as a possibility.  And the mentality that it's ok to screw over your family at every turn.  Not once in 20 years has my brother done a thing for me that I didn't have to overpay him for.  All the therapy in the world couldn't make me feel anything other than hurt, frustration and anger.  I will never work through that.

Deck the Halls....