Happy Trails; Inny or Outy??

The holiday season is upon us and besides everything tasting like pumpkin spice or candy cane, it's a time for get-togethers and gatherings and all the hustle and bustle that the holidays have to offer.  Fun, right?  Who doesn't like to put on a new outfit, be in the spotlight, catch up with friends and family talking about everything under the sun... being out and about socializing and going to events and dinners and clubs and parties and visiting and shopping and cooking and the music and noise and ??  Who doesn't like all that??... introverts.  And like myself, they hate this time of year and look at it with utter dread and anxiety.  If you're excited about all of that stuff that I mentioned... chances are, you are an extrovert (or 'outgoing', as it's more simply referred to).  So, are you an inny or an outy?  And before you check your abs for the answer... your schedule is more of a tell-tale sign of which you are.

Outies (extroverts) are seen as the life of the party.  They love the limelight and being out amongst people and don't do so well when they are by themselves, often immediately reaching for their phones to communicate with someone because they are easily bored and afraid to be alone.  They do well in public speaking and political positions but their need to be talking on the center stage gets them into trouble when they don't think beforehand.  They seek out exciting things to do and are more apt to be on a sports team or out socializing in a bar.  They feed off their constant need for attention and interaction and small-talk and tend to suck the energy right out of someone as their fuel and using it for the 'show'.

Innies (introverts) are the exact opposite and are most times misunderstood as shy, stuck-up or boring.  Shyness has to do with fear of social judgment, whereas introversion has more to do with how one responds to their environment.   A situation that overstimulates the central nervous system (like a sporting event, for example)... which would excite or engage an extrovert, exhausts and overwhelms the introvert.

Introverts are most 'alive' and 'switched on' when they are by themselves and are ok with being alone and, in fact, crave it.  They would much prefer being with one or two close friends pondering life's questions or something philosophical than being amongst a crowd talking idle chit-chat.  They withdraw in crowds since a noisy bunch of people drains them of their physical energy and makes them feel more isolated than engaged. They get distracted often, but are bored rarely due to increased sensitivity to their surroundings, their attention span is easily pulled in another direction. They are drawn to detail-oriented, creative an solitary careers.  They dive into tasks one at a time and take their time making decisions or solving problems, so professions that give them the mental stimulation without the stimulating environment is best, for example... as a writer.  When in a crowd, there's always an exit strategy.  Feeling physically uncomfortable, they tend to stay near the exit, near the back or in an aisle seat, avoiding being surrounded by people on all sides.  They'd rather drive themselves so they can come and go as they please. They physically cannot stand to be on the phone since it's a distraction and full of small-talk. They literally shut down when it's time to be alone.  Solitude is valued as a way to take time to regroup and refuel.  In the cup half-empty/full scenario, energy is taken from the introverts cup with interaction, whereas it is constantly refilled from an opportunity for interaction with an extrovert.  They are intense and don't know how to 'lighten up' or 'dial it back a notch'.  If we're in a conversation, it's most likely about politics, religion, money or relationship stuff... all social no-nos.  That's where we thrive.

I really respect, applaud and envy the extrovert, but for me, just having someone ask me to an event starts an anxiety attack avalanche and I get tired even starting to think about it.  Trying to get out of it.... wondering who will be there, making sure I drive myself so I have a way out, trying to make it through the idle talk about nothing important and having to be 'on', with my spirits up, having to get dressed and battle crowds, meeting new people, thinking about what excuse I'll give to leave before I even get there and how I will sneak out without having to say goodbye to everyone... it's all so exhausting that it truly hurts emotionally and physically and is why I stay home instead.  I can't describe it any easier than that I am in constant pain the whole time.  As a bartender, I loved having the physical structure of the bar as a barrier... and building decks and landscaping lets me be outside by myself.  And the older I get, the more alone I like to be and seek out solitary things to do...  hiking in the desert... kayaking in the middle of a lake... taking a drive in the country... all things that energize me and cuts people off from me.  If I do have to be amongst people... I like to be on the sidelines where I can just watch and listen and process but not have to interact.  I don't go to a bar to talk to people.... I go to observe.  I want to be as close to the action without being in it.  Or meeting with a friend or two and have an in-depth conversation for 5 hours over coffee.  That's my stimulation.

Two of my relationships were with Italians, so the holidays were always chaotic and loud, so I would always drive separately because I could only take so much.  My best friend always includes me in their family gatherings around the holidays, which I really appreciate, but just the mention of it starts the process.  They are the people closest to me and yet I feel so isolated when I'm there (having nothing to do with them specifically), even more than when I am by myself.  And talking about Christmas plans before I even get through Thanksgiving is excruciating.  I think my head will explode.  One social interaction at a time.  As a child, I used to open my gifts up in my room rather than in front of people and spent a lot of time in my room with my things.  Several days before dinner now and all I can think of is how nice it will be to back home in my own controlled surroundings with my things.  Home sweet home means more and more to me as I get older.

Make Me a Match

I'm old.  Soon, I will make jam, get 13 cats and shop for a nice rocking chair to sit in to watch Murder She Wrote reruns (that Jessica Fletcher is such a nice girl).  It's what us old ladies do.  And it's my duty to become everyone's Yenta, nebbing in their business, always bringing a covered dish and doing plenty of matchmaking.  For me, love is over.  I had my shot.  I've had some dead-on-balls hits and some that didn't score as many points... and I've also had my fair share of target-adjacent near misses that fell flat on the floor.  I'm ok with this.  I am alone but not lonely.  I am never bored.  I pursue the things that interest me and leave myself open to new things, even though I am set in my ways.  I have little need for people in my life beyond my friends and my DVR is already loaded with the progrums I like to watch...  this old bird ain't sharing the remote.  Being by myself makes sense to me at this point of my life.  I am happy.

But for the young, love is always in the air.  There are websites and apps and meet-up groups and a host of other places to meet people.  For straight people, it's simple... every 5 feet is a potential 'where we first met' site.  If you are straight and you haven't found your mate on the way into Target from your car in the parking lot, there's something wrong with you (although Target is a hot-bed of potential with the gays swarming there).  For a gay, it's not so simple as the numbers are against us. And it's much harder to find a decent one.  When you meet them, you don't see their faults until you are in too deep.  You don't see how shady your new flame is because you don't want to... because you want it to work so badly after trying for the last 201+ times.  You ignore all the red flags.  You jump in head first.  With all your raging hormones going full speed ahead, before you know it, all their crazy seeps out... and your new flame... goes up in flames.  Love is blind, after all.  And there is that thing that you do... going after the bad boys.  You know it won't end well, but it doesn't stop you and you're still surprised when you get burned.

We all come across people in our lives that, 'on paper', you should fall madly in love.  They are the good guys, but the problem is you don't have that spark.  And you can't force it.  It just has to happen.  It's funny, too, with our friends... that more match-making doesn't go on.  I don't know if it's because people are afraid to get involved and have it blow up in their faces or come back on them... or they don't want to see you happy... or why... but rarely does someone come to you saying "boy, do I have a great guy for you".  They think you are a wonderful person and feel the same about their friend, but it just doesn't click to bring the two people together. 

Recently, I brought two very dear friends of mine together and I am happy to say that it seems to be going well.  A push here and a nudge there, and they seem to be off to a good start.  Two of the best guys I know... they deserve happiness. 

I don't need a lot at this point... an Andy Griffith marathon on AMC... a nice piece of butter-rum hard-tack candy... some underwears that don't ride up... regularity, maybe...  but the thing that I want most in life is for my friends to be happy.  It brings me great joy... and I hope that, with this match, their spark turns into a flame... and doesn't go up in one.  Now (from the Yenta initiation gift catalog), whether to pick the toaster, the tin of popcorn... or the set of lace doilies?  Better go with the toaster... the cats will shred the doilies and the popcorn will get stuck in my dentures.

Seasons in the Sun

The cycle of a tree is much like that of our lives.  From it's birth and blooming in Spring, to it's green growth period in Summer, to it's mature colorful blossoms of Fall before it's dying in Winter, trees have many of the same characteristics as we do as people, and could describe the cyclical nature of relationships or friendships as well.

It's amazing to take a drive and be at some scenic overlook high above and look down on a forest of greenery in the Summer, but it's Fall when you really notice the different kinds of trees standing beside one another, each bringing their own different shapes and sizes of leaves, their vibrant color, height and the many other characteristics that makes them unique.

Conversely, people share many of the same characteristics as trees, plants and flowers...  maybe they...

- stand tall and proud, like a Sequoia
- are mighty, like a Red Wood
- are strong, like an Oak
- bend/go with the flow, like a Reed
- need much attention, like a Bonsai
- weep, like a Willow
- are dense, like Bamboo
- bloom, like a Rose
- are constant, like an Evergreen
- are shady, like a Maple
- bear fruit, like an Apple
- are flaky, like a Birch
- need a partner, like a Dogwood
- are solitary, like the Lone Pine
- are sweet, like the Sugar Maple

One of my favorite books is the Giving Tree.  It's about a boy and his favorite tree and their relationship over the life of the boy.  The tree would do anything for the boy (much like a mother would) and, over time, gives the boy fruit to eat and sell, a branch to swing on and build a house, shade from the sun and it's trunk to build a boat.  In the end, when the boy is an old man, he goes to the tree, which is now just a stump and, having nothing left to give the boy, gives him a place to sit down and rest.  The tree gave everything it had.

Depending on from whose perspective you look, it's a story of the ultimate unconditional love, albeit perhaps not a fair one and one-sided.  The boy asks too much of the tree but the tree gives and gives because it makes it happy when the boy is happy.  At it's most outward appearance, it makes the boy look selfish, taking everything from the tree, but if you look deeper, you realize that making the boy happy is all the tree wanted.  Sometimes, things have different values to different people.  Planting trees under which you don't expect to sit... the key to life... is putting forth effort into something because you want to... not because you expect some reward... which, in turn, becomes your reward. 

Winter can be depressing with no leaves on the trees and less sun, with the days shorter and darker.  Maybe it's at the darkest time in your life that you need the people around you and instead of being there for you, they leave you.  People come in an out of your life like the seasons.  Some come and go, but it's the strongest of friendships that are deeply-rooted.  Like a tree, they stand by you, provide support and comfort and grow along with you.  The cycle doesn't end in a true friendship... there's always a next year, each being a ring in the story.

A Rosary By Any Other Name

Relationships of any kind are a lot of work, but anything worth having takes effort and sacrifice, otherwise it has no value if it is obtained so easily.  Through determination, persistence and hard work, anything can be achieved, but one key ingredient in life that is so easily forgotten, especially in dealing with others, is compassion, for until he extends his circle of compassion towards all human things, man himself will find no peace.  It's a necessity, not a luxury, and mankind cannot survive without it.  This completely encompasses my relationship with my best friend, Robin.  To say that it's been a complicated road is putting it lightly.  Sometimes she is like a friend, sometimes a sister I never had... and sometimes a mother, but we've never been able to pin it down.  A devout Christian and Republican, it goes against all I hold 'sacred'.  I think it is Shakespeare's most famous tragedy (Romeo and Juliet) of angst in the coupling of two people unlikely to form a bond that best represents the situation, but a famous line in the play best describes it;  "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet"... meaning that it doesn't matter what we call it or try to label it, it is genuine and true and will outlast.  And like the rose itself, symbolizing beauty and gratitude, it's thorns remind us that there could be pain in sharp disagreements and, spiritually, it represents a sacrifice; a loss of something you give up for the sake of a greater cause... in this case, working through our differences for the sake of our friendship.

One of the best things about our friendship is that, despite those differences, we are able to grow both individually and together.  We've been able to expose each other to things we've never experienced before to expand our horizons and be better people.  One of the hardest things for me to overcome is our different views on our beliefs in religion.  An Atheist, it has been difficult for me to support my friend in something that she believes in so strongly, that my disbelief in is two-fold.  I am hardwired for anger and frustration since viewing a lifetime of the Church's non-acceptance, if not hatred, for gays and, being a logical person, I need proof, of which there isn't any, to believe.  The idea of 'faith' isn't one that I can wrap my head around because I need to see it.  Show me, don't tell me, has always been my mantra, and the majority of time, all I see is hypocrisy in the whole religious process.  But during the processing of our friendship, I have been able to put some things into perspective and realize that we all want and practice the same thing. Every major religion, as well as the way any human being should conduct themselves, is anchored in love, compassion and forgiveness.  It all comes down to if you want to open your heart and mind to these practices and how devoted you are to the cause.  It's how much you walk the walk and talk the talk.

Symbolism is all around us in all cultures.  Recently, Robin gave me a tied bunch of sage that I was to light and walk around my house to cleanse and purify the air of negativity and bad spirits, as practiced by the Native Americans.  In the Catholic religion, the burning of incense is a sign of reverence and dedication.  Praying the rosary symbolizes your act of devotion, practice and structure, as you make time every day to keep what you believe and are dedicated to in-hand, literally, thumbing your way through the chain of beads, reciting your prayers and keeping those things and people important to you present in your day.  Again, anything worth having takes effort.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I was going to hand-make her a rosary for her birthday.  Like so many times in the past when sorting through my ideals regarding religion, I had to process what exactly this meant.  I mean, it's kind of odd that an Atheist would make a religious symbol for someone and I wanted it to be something more special than just a bunch of pretty beads which, at first, was all it was to me, being a gay who likes sparkly things. So after I did some research into the meaning of the rosary, I took into consideration what she wanted and her personality and mine (I added a bit of fabulous and bling to it) and, with the help of my friend, Vernon (who taught me the jewelry techniques and helped me pick out the beads), I started banging it out.  I chose a simple cross and beads that matched the Our Lady of Lourdes (her parish) medallion that connected it.  About 12 hours later, with fingers raw from twisting the wire around the beads, a technique that makes it stronger so it doesn't fall apart, it was finished and I presented it to her (shown in the picture wrapped around a bundle of sage (cleansing of my negativity)).

After the fact, I learned that the cross that I chose wasn't of a Catholic manner but, rather, more Protestant (her former religion before converting to Catholicism).  Inadvertently,  my choosing brought her journey in religion together in one symbol, linked with my beliefs (or non, as the case may be) as the person who crafted it, in one big, accidental ecumenical offering (an interdenominational initiative aimed at establishing and promoting unity among churches and religions). This was the dual meaning that I was hoping to be able to put into the whole gesture, escalating it from a bunch of beads made by an Atheist to a symbol of unity of ideals, remembering that we all want the same things. A rosary by any other name smells as sweet.

A bit of her, a bit of me... some compassion, sacrifice, belief, tradition, meaning, dedication and a splash of fabulous and her birthday gift was made... as well as our friendship over time... from the same ingredients.  Both gifts to cherish, always.