Being in a Funk and Dealing with a Drunk

After this weekend, I feel like I've been dragged behind a truck... emotionally, physically, mentally... it came in like a lamb and out like a lion.  Friday, with my three hour workout, I was in severe pain by Sunday... I was hurting big time.  It was a late night on Saturday, joining some friends at a bar to watch Julie's band.  She's awesome... sadly, the band drowned her out so badly it was slightly uncomfortable to watch.  I didn't get to bed until 3 a.m. by the time that I got home and settled down.

Yesterday, I went to a going away party for a friend who is moving to Philly.  About 40 of us were crammed into a corner of a restaurant, but it turned out to be a really nice party and I made a really funny card for him (see below).  The day turned sharply as I left the restaurant, when I got into a huge arguement on the phone with a very close friend about something that I said in a post that was taken the wrong way... and simultaneously dealing with picking up a drunk friend at a bar so he didn't kill himself trying to drive.  I was so emotionally drained from the phone conversation with my friend, one of the most important people in my life... and was so angry with the drunk one (because he had three more drinks after he called me to pick him up), that today... I am just in a funk and can barely function.
 

The picture is the going away card that I made for Billy (of whom we snarkily refer to as Wilma Jean).  In the real one, I superimposed his face over hers, which really made it more funny.  There's a running joke by him that every time I move, he calls me the Antiques Roadshow... so this being his first time he's moving since I've known him, it was time to turn that back on him.  I almost pissed myself when I found this picture of the woman holding what appears to be a petrified vagina, which played into another running joke on how he's older than I am and her 'going rate' is $1.25/session.  Our relationship has been described as 'sparring', to say the least... bantering would be more like it... but we share some jabs back and forth and it's all good.  Liberty Avenue, btw, is a street in downtown Pittsburgh that, in the 70's, the prostitutes used to walk.

We're supposed to be getting some of the bad weather that's sweeping across the country, but it's unclear as to what we'll actually see.  Some places will get a foot and a half of snow, while I think that we may see some ice and just rain.  Right now, it's beautifully sunny out, so I'm just trying to enjoy it before the impending doom.

Being a Yinzer

Well, looks like Pittsburgh is headed to the Superbowl.  And while it's a good thing for the city, it's only good if they win.  With this being such a sports town and people's sole existence is based on the Steelers, if they lose, it will shut down the city like the bubonic plague.  I don't know which is more annoying, that, or all the hoot-n-hollering that will go on if they win.  Either way, it'll be a Paxil moment... because even if they win, there will be the Post Polamalu Depression Syndrome... what will the sports fanatics have to look forward to then?  Certainly not the Pirates.

For those that have never been here, let me try to give you insight into the mind of a Pittburgher (courtesy of my friend, Mike):


- If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If someone offers you assistance in a Home Depot, and they don't work there, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If you've had a lengthy conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If an old chair left in a cleared parking spot on a snowy street looks to you like a declaration of the sovereignty over that spot, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If you measure distance in hours, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If someone offers you an 'ahrn' and you know how to drink it, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If you know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Road Construction, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If you find 10 degrees to be just 'a little chilly', you live in Pittsburgh.
- If, when redding up the house, you grab a quick sandwich that has chipped chopped ham and jumbo on it, you live in Pittsburgh.
- If you are intelligent enough to know the plural of yinz is younz, you live in Pittsburgh... AND ARE A YINZER!!

Tids N Bits

If I wasn't so exhausted, I would take an 'after' pic to document the success I'm having with the exercise and eating regime.  I spent three hours at the gym yesterday... an hour at yoga, an hour starting a weight-lifting routine and an hour of cardio... followed by 8 hours of not being able to move.  I hit a solid 180 lbs this morning... which has been my lowest cap... trying to keep in mind that I'm losing fat and gaining muscle now... so not to take the weight plateau to heart.  At day 20, with 28 days left until Cancun, I'm happy with my results. 

It's been snowing here for the last couple of days.... nothing steady or accumulating... but annoying enough to keep everything wet and the driveway covered, along with the streets slushy and dirty.  We need a good rain to wash everything away.  While I still love the snow falling, I'm starting to get to the point where I'm over it.  We're supposed to be getting some undetermined storm mid-week, but they don't know exactly what it's going to be so they just labeled it a 'winter mess'.

About a week ago, I learned that I didn't get the bartending job at gay camp because one of the owner's wants to do it.  I can  now concentrate on picking up another landscaping client around here, so I'm not upset.

Tonight, I'm headed to see Julie's band headline at a bar.  Should be fun.

Just Hand Me The Envelope And Get Off My Stage

I've seen conflicting instructions on awarding the Stylish Blogger Award to other recipients, and since I left my official program on the table at the banquet (along with my IUD and my bus ticket)... I will make shit up.  I tried to pick people that haven't won already... that I've know for some time and who consistently write.

And so, for Stylish Blogger Award... my winners are:

Matt (one of my best friends) @ On My Planet for encouraging me to start the blog two years ago and standing by me and living through every post

John @ Going Gently for being one of my oldest (not by age, but by time put it) readers... plus, I think he'll get a kick out of getting it twice (two to put on his mantle... bitch will think it's an Oscar).  His 'simple' life provides me much perspective, grounding and humor (albeit British).

Sean @ Just a Jeep Guy for his tireless promotion of other people's blogs... I probably wouldn't know many of the other recipients if it weren't for him... and for making me laugh

Bob @ I Should Be Laughing for his honesty and sense of humor (MUCH like mine) in his take on the world's happenings

Michael @ Spo-Reflections for mostly his comment feedback to me... honest and profound and almost brother-like... and the TRUE stylin' one in his fancy shirts

Dan @ Dannation for his honesty and humor in his reporting of news... and display of a sexy guy or two

Sean @ Idle Eyes and a Dormy for his raw honesty in his writing... he seems like good people

Michael (another one of my best friends) @ My Journey for taking my suggestion to let it all out through writing, and doing so very eloquently and informatively.

Raulito @ Trickle Down BS for his blunt and raw point of view in what's going on in the world... I'm right there with you. Saludos!

For John

John, at GOING GENTLY summed up my feelings lately about the news and what's going on in the world... ENOUGH of the bad news already!  Same with Sean at Idle Eyes and a Dormy... it's been an emotional rollercoaster of a week.  At least there's a support system of bloggers out there in the blogosphere... we're all going through it together... so cover your eyes or pull the covers up over your head... This too shall pass.

John... hope this cheers you up a wee bit (why do I always want to type in an English accent when I address you?).

Land Rage

It hit me today that it was exactly 2 years ago today, some 9,500 hits ago, that I started this blog for the reason listed below... my original post:

I was recently watching a movie called "Noise" starring Tim Robbins. It's about this guy and his family and he slowly gets enraged by car alarms going off in his NYC neighborhood. He takes it to a vigilante level and rages war on the offenders that don't turn them off and let them go on and on. Blah blah blah, windshields smashed, tires slashed, he ends up in jail, his marriage falls apart... that's not the point. The point is that there are many things throughout my day and I can relate to this guy... things drive me crazy... people opening candy during a movie, people who don't use proper English, drivers who slow down going into a tunnel... you get the picture. I am the poster-child for road rage, it's just that, for me, it spills over into times that I am not on the road as well. Land rage, you can call it. Regardless, it can't be healthy for me so I have decided to vent on this blog.

Healthcare is Running a Fever

The last time that I had healthcare was probably 6 years ago when I was Controller/Ops Manager for Littlearth, a company that made trendy products out of recycled license plates, bottle caps and tires.  I'll probably jinx myself, but I have been fortunate to not need it, although I sometimes feel like I am sitting on a time bomb if something should happen, especially as I get older.  I guess I figure if something happens, I'll just have to send them what I can for the rest of my life?

I walked by the TV this morning and they were talking about this couple in Virginia that was cancelled because when they paid their bill, they paid it 2 cents short.  2 cents, really?  The ironic thing is that they found out minutes before the husband was about to be sliced open.  They were reinstated, but you have to wonder if the insurance company would have paid the bill if it hadn't been caught and they thought they could get away without covering it.

I used to sell health insurance and, being CLTC certified, long-term care and Medicare plans as well.  I think medical costs and mortgages are the leading reasons for financial ruin.  It would break my heart with the elderly that they would stay with a plan that was worse or more expensive because they didn't like change.  All too often, they were not properly schooled on their options and made a hasty decision and got screwed in the end.  Leaving one plan for another because that's what Gladys down the street had put them in a vulnerable spot when they could be denied for preexisting conditions after they had cancelled their previous coverage.  Eventually, I had to get out of the business.  I couldn't take looking in the face and telling them they were screwed.  Let's face it, insurance companies are betting on the odds that you won't use it and definitely don't have your best interest at hand.

Even though I don't have coverage, the part of Obama's plan that I didn't like was to be forced into getting coverage by law.  I think that people in this country have a warped sense of what Socialism is... forcing someone to do something for the gain of the leader is Socialism... forcing someone to do something that they are too stupid to understand or too stupid to do on their own for their own good is called caring.  I can admit that I can be stupid.

Stylin' and Profilin'

I've never considered myself stylish, in fact, I pretty much wear the same things all the time... khaki shorts, black t-shirt, tennis shoes and a baseball cap.. a look I started in the 90's and never outgrew.  If being brutally honest, sarcastic, brash, loud, and constantly pushing the envelope is stylish, then call Cosmopolitan... you've got your next covergirl.  Today, I received the Stylish Blog Award from Mark in Delaware at Tales of the Sissy, a blog that I started reading a month or two ago.  I've happened upon a number of great blogs written by some wonderful people lately, and Mark is one of them.  I appreciate that he reads and enjoys my blog and thank him for considering me.

So, in accepting the award, I'm supposed to thank and link back to the giver... pick 5 recipients... and reveal 7 things about myself.  Being that I have diarrhea of the mouth, it will be hard to come up with things that I haven't already spilled, but here goes:

1.  When I was young, my Dad, who worked on the railroad, let me drive a train in the train yard.

2.  I have a foot fetish that started when I was a little kid, always looking down at women's feet.  Over time, it progressed (as my interest did) to only guys, and it translates the physical display of the foot into an emotional sharing in my mind since, growing up, it wasn't a part of a guys body that was shared or seen (this is a common explanation that I have heard).  It's become a compulsion for me to look at a guy's feet and a part of my sexuality.  I used to hide this part of me since feet are generally regarded as disgusting, but I have at least 10 other close friends that have a foot fetish as well and I don't feel guilty or ashamed about it any more.

3.  I have had stiches twice in my life;  one time I was running through my Aunt's house, tripped on a rug and fell into the corner of a glass table and split my forehead open.  The second time was while playing hide-n-seek at dusk... I ran into a barbed-wire fence across my left eye, narrowly missing my eyeball, and cutting the top of my eyelid.  Ironically, in the same eye, I was stung by a hornet.... and walked right into a golfball after it had just been whacked.

4. I was President of my high school choir and sang on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with 10 other high schools in a district chorus performance for an audience that surrounded the Reflection Pool.  I used to take piano lessons as well but if there's anything that I wish I had become, it would have been a singer... and I'd probably sell my soul to the devil to be able to perform even still.

5  I chipped my right front tooth on the bumper of a 1972 olive green Dodge Dart, after my banana-seated purple bike hit a pothole and I flew into it, face first.

6,  I met my first boyfriend at 19, when I delivered a pizza to his house.  He was 27, lived in a great apartment complex, was a flight attendant for US Air, had a yellow mustang convertible and I was totally infatuated with his posh life.  He asked me to step in with the pizza and he sat down on his couch in his white terry cloth robe and his junk 'accidentally' slipped out, which was my first man-stuff eyeful.  He was also my first kiss with a guy and I remember like it was yesterday how uneasy I was about it and almost disgusted..  After dating a month or so, he turned out to be an asshole though when I (the pizza boy) wouldn't 'deliver'.  There actually is a gay porn movie called The Pizza Boy:  He Delivers (I'm not in it).

7.  When I was young, I fell out of a tree on my back, and my left hip is twisted back farther than my right one.  As a result, I developed a herniated lumbar disc that pinches a nerve in my leg... and is usually slightly numb. Over time, it caused muscular degeneration in my right buttock and calf, which are visibly smaller than the other side.  My shorts are usually twisted slightly to the left.

Stay tuned for my blogger picks.....

It's Nano Your Business What I'm Listening To...

(A continuing sampling of what's on my Ipod Nano)...

Arvo Part, composer of Spiegel Im Spiegel that I posted a while back, is also composer of this piece, Magnificat, fitting for the events of the last 24 hours.  The video pans through scenes of an era gone by, and the eerie chants remind us of it's death, possibly good, possibly bad, depending how you look at it... or maybe it's magnificent power in strength of productivity, growth, simplicity and solidarity?

What does it envoke in you?

From Boom, To Gloom, To Doom

Last night, the President gave a hopeful, inspiring and joining speech.  I felt compelled to get up and do something for my country, getting his message that now is the time for us to do something... now is the time for us to come together... and now is the time for the bullshit to end.  The only thing that ended was that feeling... because minutes afterwards, it was back to more of the same with the comments and rebuttals.  I logged onto Facebook to join the community of insight, and there wasn't ONE mention of the speech.  Funny, since it was only a few days ago that the status bars were filled with responses to EVERY single play of the football game.  Nice priorities, people.  It's sad, but we deserve every bit of getting fucked that we get. 

The speech wasn't perfect.  While we need to think about the future, trying to sell new technology at this point is like trying to sell a pool in the middle of a drought.  Plus, people aren't going to get it... we are a nation of lazy, greedy, uninspired, stupid people sucking the life out of the system, then biting the hand that tries to feed us.  It's amazing how people think all that the government provides, right down to street lights, gets paid for.  Sadly, the marching drones that the Republicans have in their pockets that they get to vote them into office don't even realize they're getting screwed over.  They're fed lies and propoganda and those draining the system the most (the poor, the elderly) are the ones who vote their own demise and are too dumb to know it.  And they're not even the biggest tax payers.  Certainly we cannot expect to have to pay taxes to pay for all of it... that's un-American.  There has to be another way.  Guess what, there isn't.

Watching the commentaries afterwards, there was one resounding theme.  Democrats were psyched to get the ball rolling and do what we need to do... and the Republicans wanted to just sit around and blame the mess on Obama, deflect their own wrong-doings and not take responsibility and expect results instantaneously, all the while, with them butting heads to stop any hope of progress.  Two years to fix years and years isn't realistic.

Jobs are the number one priority, although there are jobs to be had.  I see signs everywhere for help wanted.  The problem is that this country has lived above it's means for so long and there is such a sense of entitlement that the idea of going on unemployment is a much better prospect than doing a job that's beneath them.  Even our kids have a sense of entitlement, with sports and entertainment stars making what they do... and the lotteries, etc... kids figure that's their ticket, so rather than learning in school, they are too busy trying to get rich on YouTube doing some stupid shit.  Hard work will definitely not be an aspiration of the youth, rather, it will be the pursuit of easy money.  Not once have I heard any plan from Republicans on how to create jobs... even with the $82 million in Bush tax cuts that went right into the pockets of the 'job creators'.  The Stimulus Package created jobs, exporting trade agreements created jobs, the health care bill would have created jobs...

I supposed the Republican's plan is to let the President go down in flames... all the while, pissing gas to fuel the fire.  This way, in less than two years, they can continue to blame it all on him and waltz in talking about turning things around with no real plan, as usual... get elected and then we can all bend over and get fucked again for another 4-8 years.  We're doomed.

Resolving Some Resolutions

Well, my resolutions are finally in full swing.  I have lost 10 pounds since starting on the 9th... I haven't had pop, lattes (other than low fat, sugarfree), candy, cookies, baked goods, bread or much carbs of any kind, let alone the bad ones. I have increased my protein and vegetables and I am fairing well without cravings.  A few days ago, I kick-started my cardio and I burn about 500 calories a workout... and I have started to pick up a few weights in preparation for my full-on 30 day blast... that's how many days I have left until I leave for Cancun.  To top that off, I finally had my first ever yoga class tonight and I really liked it.  I'm really pleased with myself at this point, especially being totally self-motivated to do it AND that I really didn't set any goal except to get to the gym.  I feel like a new man.

Laugh Or You'll Cry

Tonight is the President's State of the Union Address, which I'm not looking forward to, but not for reasons that you'd expect (ruining my Tuesday night progrum line-up).  Instead, I am not looking forward to it not so much for what he's going to say, but what he probably won't say... I wish that he'd grow a pair and stick up for all the good that he has done for the country, but that won't happen because he's trying to be an adult in a sea of children.  And rather than spreading the word of whatever positive hope he will shed, all that will be heard will be the rhetoric afterwards, which will lead to the continuation of the current state of non-partisanship.  This country is so selfish that there's no way we could possibly rally together to actually get anything accomplished for the people as a whole.  If the Republicans just came off an 8 year period of productivity, prosperity and patriotism, that would be one situation, but we know that's not what happened.  How about you offer some hope... other than for your own personal gain... and get out of the way of productivity? 

If you don't laugh, you'll cry.  Here's to hoping you can laugh a little bit today....

 

I Am Not Confident I Am Co-Dependent

It was pointed out to me that despite spewing my 10+ reasons for holding people at arms-length, I really didn't go into the deeper internal conflict process that goes on once I let someone get closer... those being lack of confidence and the often-surfacing co-dependency.

There's a pattern throughout my life of being attracted to people who are messed up or just plain need me.  I suppose some of it can be dismissed as just wanting to be around people who feel something... who have experienced things or are sub-surficular (see Davidisms 101).  I guess everyone wants to be needed, but when problems spawn that are not beneficial to either party, that's when there's a real problem.  Further, injecting yourself into someone else's life or trying to solve their problems are also signs of a bad situation, although I don't display those.  Being a problem-solving, compassionate leader doesn't make it any easier right out of the gate since I'm prone to jump in and help.  I'm hard-wired for it. 

There have been times when I have come across people who have their shit together and I have not felt needed and, as a result, not been able to form a connection with them.  Sadly, the one who bears the brunt of that is me, walking away from what could have been a perfectly normal relationship.  I mean, God forbid I feel like I deserve a bit of happiness or something actually working out.  I am getting better at recognizing this behavior though and controlling it.

The other issue is lack of self-esteem.  I know that I am a good person... caring, compassionate, honest, trustworthy, responsible, etc... but my fear of showing people who I really am usually derails the situation, not letting people get close or pulling a mad dash before they do, I suppose, although that has never happened.  How conflicting, complex or moody I can be is something that I feel will push people away but it doesn't seem to.  Maybe it makes me feel bad about myself that what I try to hide is all I see in myself.  It may be hard to understand me hiding anything when I have a blog where I have diarrhea of the mouth concerning every action, event and thought in my head.  But I think it's the emotional side that I hold back, always trying to be strong and not showing weakness.  Secretly, I want to be able to let go... to rely on someone else... to count on them... to relent.  Easier said than done.

Back To The Future

How did we ever survive without the cell phone?  Remember the days of having to carry around change or find someone to break a dollar so that you could shut yourself into the phone booth that usually smelled like pee... and then having to dial the rotary dial, hoping that you didn't mess up (especially the nine's) or you'd have to start all over again.  Now, you'd be lucky to find a pay phone to use.

I got my cell phone bill this month and it was $175.00 for my and my Dad's (his part is only $13.00) phones.  I recently had to upgrade my text package from 500 to the next interval, 5000, because I have a few text-happy people, receiving probably 20+ a day from them.  I also have the internet package so that I can, I don't know... look up movie times... check my horoscope... download useless apps?  And I keep hovering between 700 minutes and 1400, because you get a friend or two that calls you 50 times a day from their non-Verizon network.  We have become stupid over phones and gadgets.

I have a few rules and they usually revolve around the number 3.  First (and totally unrelated), my 3-3-3-3 dating rule.  When I meet someone, you've got 3 minutes to say something interesting to grab my attention... then it usually last about 3 weeks before you realize that there's no spark or they're a total jackwagon... around 3 months, all their bad habits come out and you want to run for the hills... and if you make it that far, then you go 3 years before you wonder why you're in a loveless relationship, wonder what you were thinking and want to hang yourself.

The second rule of 3's is with the phone.  You're entitled to a 3 text interchange with me... if it can't be said in 3 texts, then I'm picking up the phone and calling your ass because I can't stand texting to begin with... and then you have 3 minutes to talk because I get claustrophobic on the phone for more than that.  Beyond that, we have to meet in person, then you have 3 hours, because I have progrums and other such things to partake in.  So sorry, I have to go.

I am paying a fortune to receive pics of some trainwreck Walmart shopper.... to get texts about nothing... to download apps of a crackling fireplace... to talk about nothing... while I'm on the crapper dropping off a load of timber.... while I'm in the movies... while I'm in bed... while I'm scratching my ass.  I'm done.  It will be difficult, but I am stopping by the Verizon store to make some changes.  I'm going back to 1992 when a phone was just a phone.

(this video is old, but so funny (especially starting around the 1 minute mark)

It All Comes Down To Convincing Myself

Comment from Robin:   "I can't tell you how many times I have seen you talk in your blog about holding people at arms length; however, this is the first time I have ever seen you actually state, "I will never let it happen any way." I would love to see you go a step further, and share why".

The other day, I wrote a post talking about relationships (Juggling Life), and Robin posted a very good question (above)... why won't I let a relationship happen... of which there are a number of reasons:

1.  I have a long history of relationships, one after another spanning 3-5 years, from the night of my 21st birthday up until 3 years ago, so my openness to love was much greater and more trusting back then.  I think that I believed in love back then.
2.  I am a much different person than I was then.  I'm much more guarded, jaded and enjoy my solitude now.  I think I view a relationship as threatening to my alone time.
3.  I have gone through much more in my life since then and have come to realize that I don't need someone like I thought I did.  I endured a lot of pain which changed me.
4.  I have done a lot in the name of a relationship in the past that got me nowhere but broke, broken and broke-down. 
5.  The world has changed.  Finding someone who wants a committed relationship these days is difficult, thanks mostly to the internet.
6.  With my Dad living with me, I have made a committment to him.  Because of that, I don't know what my idea of a relationship looks like any more.
7.  I still have partial feelings for Jesse that will probably never go away, or at the very least, will make me compare our connection with any new situation.
8.  Having the blog exposes me and gives the other person insight to who I am before I even get a chance to see if I like them.
9.  I have become attracted to the look of an younger guy, but want the life experience of the older guy, but he's too busy looking at the younger guy as well.
10.  With many friends in bad relationships, I simply won't settle just to be in a relationship or in love.

With all the reasons I gave, one that would be more common would be not wanting to be hurt.  I really don't have that fear.  As conceited as it may wind up sounding, I have never experienced anything like it other than the simplicity of a schoolgirl crush that went unnoticed or unresponded.  While I still see myself as the awkward, ugly unpopular teen (spending most of my time trying to put myself out there forcing people to like me for who I am), people don't see me like I do.  Unfortunately, no matter what compliment, whether about how I look or who I am, I don't believe it.  Maybe because my identity, like old people with ailments that they become, is the broken kid who was sexually harrassed, adopted, gay, blah blah blah... because that's all I know how to portray.  As a result, maybe I further become that person every day and it influences my life more than I'd like to acknowledge.

Maybe I go after more landscaping work because there's a good chance I'm good at it.  Maybe I work out and accept my body as healthy and fit.  Maybe I move forward from the things that made me who I am, but not make them the only thing that I am about.  Mabye I accept success and not sabbotage every situation as a fail-safe mechanism.  Maybe I accept success as my new identity.

Tids and Bits

I'm not sure if it's that my Dad has nothing else to do or he thinks it will take longer than it does, but today, I am again faced with dinner at 10:30 in the morning, just like Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners.  On Sunday, he likes to cook something even though we don't actually do a 'formal' dinner since I'm never home... so I go out in the morning while he's cooking and when I come back 8 hours later, it's sitting there on the stove... 7.5 hours after he cooked it.  I have usually grabbed something while out or already had plans to eat, so I am obliged to eat again, hope for the best with not getting Salmonella and then clean up after the whole thing.  Still it beats my Mom's dried out shoe leather roast every Sunday.  Not even a jar of applesauce smothered all over it would give it some moisture. I'm surprised that my skin is as supple as a little Swedish school girl's after having to endure that for most of my life.


Today is a Steeler playoff game... I guess if they beat the Jets, they'll be in the Superbowl and we will have gone from 'One for the Thumb"(winning 5 Superbowls) to "Six Pack" (winning 6) to ???  "A Slice of Heaven, with Seven"?  And while I think it's good for the city (them winning), I, for the life of me, cannot imagine a situation where I would be jumping out of my seat, screaming every minute or so like the Yinzers do... not even the gayest ice skating competition where maybe the hot skater's pants fall down and you get a wiener peep show would envoke that in me (well, maybe that would).  There was that year when Miss Tennessee lost a strand of her weave during the eveningwear competition... that was a scream!  But normally, the only thing that I jump up for joy on a Steeler's game day is that the stores are dead and I don't have to wait in lines.  At least it gives the Yinzers something to look forward to before the season is over and they get Post-Pardum Polamalu Depression.  The other playoff game, between the Bears and the Packers, sounds like the more gay of the two competitions... and the action might possibly hold my attention.  Kayleigh is boycotting the game since it screwed up her weekend events... and I am boycotting because it messed up Desperate Housewives for me.

Speaking of sporting events that a gay would like, I went with Julie to her daughter, Kayleigh's, gymnastics meet yesterday.  Not only is it in my genes and required by gay law for me to like it, but I actually really do... as far back as when my fairy wings were just sprouting.  I like the concentration, the grace and the strength needed... and like seeing boys in tights getting pummeled by their horse... er... on the pummel horse, I meant to say.  Behold the sight of their manly-muscle arms and their manly-muscle legs and their cute little outfits.  Anyway, yesterday was all little girls, and by little girls I mean those still screaming with post traumatic stress disorder from the escape from their mother's womb.  With the smell of pampers and gym, we watched as they went tumbling by, doing their little cutsie moves and loaded, pandering smiles to the judges.  Kayleigh was excellent, but most of the girls lacked focus.  My ass hasn't seen a bleacher in many a year, so needless to say, I was in pain by the end and had enough of cackling tweens and stage moms who get mad... you're little darling sucks... deal with it.  We ate at Boston Market afterwards and had a really fun time making fun of other people's kids, so all-in-all, it was a good day.

YUM !! (Working Hard)

Sitting Idol

I have to admit that, with all the changes this year, I was putting off watching the three hours of the first two audition cities.  The beginning process is often belaboring, getting to know people that don't make it to Hollywood or beyond or putting up with all the freaks who want their ten minutes of fame doing some idiotic stunt.  Again, with the changes in the layout and the judges, I wasn't looking forward to it.  It wasn't as bad as I thought.

I really enjoy Steven Tyler's ability to tell someone no without smashing their dream, although he needs to basically keep his dick in his pants with every 17 year old in a skirt that walks out onto the stage.  Jennifer Lopez is the replacement for Paula and she fits right in, not being able to say no to anyone, crying during someone's song and basically being the softee.  Randy is Randy... nothing has changed.  The three seem to get along very well and you feel that there's a level of knowledge between them that is believable.

As far as the talent goes, no one blew my skirt up, although they only show you what they want you to see.  I hope they're keeping all the good ones hidden until Hollywood, because it looked kind of grim.  None of them had any real soul (how much can you expect from a 15 year old that hasn't lived enough yet).  The standouts were Jovany Barreto (possibly my new bf) for his smooth latino notes (and his smooth chest, since he removed his shirt to reveal a six pack and a bag of chips to nibble on... yum!)... Paris Tassin with her beauty, voice and story of raising her special needs child (that made Jennifer cry)... and lastly, a short, stocky little 15 year old (I don't know his name) that had a voice that didn't fit his image/body/age, but I bet will be the one to beat.

All-in-all, we'll have to wait through the rest of the auditions and the Hollywood eliminations and then the new formatting to get a good feel for it.  Damn it.... I'm hooked again.

Epic Journey

It's 6 degrees here right now and I'd be bitching about it had I not seen the movie The Way Back tonight.  Starring Colin Farrell and Ed Harris, it chronicles the escape of a small group of multi-national prisoners from a Siberian gulag in 1940 and their epic life-affirming journey over four thousand miles on foot across five hostile countries in the middle of the Stalin communist regime.  Through forty below blinding blizzards of Siberia, dry deserts of Mongolia, over mountains and the Himalayas, they kept pushing through almost a year to gain freedom, enduring little food, shelter or water, some of them dying along the way.  Truly a testament to man's will to survive.  Even filthy dirty, hungry and exhausted, Colin Farrell looked hot!!

CASINO WIN

I JUST WON $108.00 AT THE CASINO PLAYING SEX IN THE CITY

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Flighty As The Wind

Despite Pittsburgh being a town in the snow belt, I guess it still shocks me how stupid people can be.  We finally got the snow storm they talked about, but only about 3 or 4 inches... no big deal, right?  Wrong!  After my first day back at the gym yesterday (where I burned 500 calories doing cardio (isn't that how many calories are in a Tic-Tac?)), I decided to go back out to Barnes and Noble for my skinny hazelnut latte, figuring I'd be snowed in for 3 weeks.  The roads started to get bad right around the time they predicted, so I flipped it in four-wheel drive and headed for home, coming up on a young man (cute... would I have stopped otherwise?  We'll never know) who managed to run his 1993 Olds Cutlass Ciera off the road, taking out a row of shrubs and a fire hydrant, with his bald-as-Telly-Savalas tires to blame.  Long story short, home owner comes out and apparently the same thing happened a month prior, so he was all ready.  I got my towing chain, we got the police to stop traffic and he towed it out with his manly-muscle Chevy truck.  I truly had big truck envy, since I don't think my V6 would have done the trick so easily... The lesson:  I should-a had a V8 (sorry, couldn't resist).  Fortunately, they make hydrants break-away now, so there wasn't a ton of water shooting up.

I did our driveway this morning and then went over to my Aunt's house.  She has to get out of the house or she gets more batshit crazier than she already is, so needless to say, she was antsy in anticipation of my arrival, standing there when I pulled in.  While I love the snow blower, success really depends on the wind and the layout of the driveway, since not having anywhere to shoot the snow makes it hard and shooting snow in the wind, much like peeing in the wind, doesn't provide a good outcome (unless you go for that sort of thing).  I'm wet, tired and ready for taking in a movie or two today.  Probably go see Ashton's new one... the one with all the gratuitous sex... and another one with Matt later on this evening.

Life Imitating Art

For those of you die-hard readers, you probably remember when I started out this blog and it was called Trouble in my Bubble.  I'm not sure how the name popped into my head at the time, I just know that I had a lot of angst about the direction of my life and the things going on.  In the height of it, I had a little bit of a stalker and hater situation going on, so, to give them the slip, I had to change the name to Ruminations of My Own Vacuity, which literally translates 'pondering my emptiness'.  At that time, I had started to really disect my issues, one by one, and as short lived as the name lasted before I changed it again, so was the period that I realized that I had to do something and acted upon it.  Now, with Another Mile Marker, I am making strides, day by day, mile by mile to a better version of myself.  Interesting how the name changes progressively happened without thought to the whole picture at the time.

I've accomplished a lot over the last couple of years and continue to do so.  Eleven days into my new way of eating and 9 pounds lighter, I feel amazing... although I still have a ways to go.  Having just gotten back from the gym after a hesitant start, I'm hoping that it will provide the energy and excitement needed to make this a best year ever not only in personal growth, but in expanding my friend base and growing my businesses.  I'm happy with the progression in my life.

Wise Words From Roger (A Reader)

Cue Circus Big-Top Theme for the Juggler

Going from the self-proclaimed 'Year of the Wiener' last year (coming to terms with my body and nudity) to this year's theme, 'No Means No', I have entered into a no bullshit zone, pushing back on situations where I am taken advantage in one way or another or when boundaries are overstepped.  In the past, I would simply put myself last, and I'm not doing it any more.  I have had success in not accepting behaviors from my brother (and he is doing well in rehab), my nephew (who is doing well in his new apartment and job and paying his obligations) and with a few friends, so it obviously doesn't help anyone to accept that behavior.

Life is hard to juggle, but most difficult seems to be relationships, be it love interest or friendships, with family bringing up the rear (or fucking you up the proverbial rear, as the case may be).  We are all so very different and taking into consideration each other's baggage, personalities, weaknesses, quirks, and habits and it's a wonder that we're all not walking around slugging each other, let alone carrying on productive interactions.  To act with poor behavior is bad, and accepting it from others is just as bad.  It's a give and take... but too often, either side is taking too much and not giving.  Honesty, self-reflection and responsibility are some of the things that have to be present for it to work.

While I am constantly trying to examine and better myself and make necessary changes, I know that I am not an easy person.  The complexity that I rarely understand about myself doesn't help matters.  For instance, I give a lot, and expect a lot and I'm often disappointed.  I recognize that this, among other characteristics, holds me back in my relationships.  I feel good about my thought process with it though... in that the saddest part for me is not the lack of being able to find a decent person, but rather in the realization that I will never let it happen any way, often holding people at arm's length.  That makes me lonely... but not a bitter, projecting loneliness, so I guess that's good.  I'm still under construction... one of these days, I will get it right.

Here Comes The Bride...

Well, it's that time of year again... for me to pick a husband.  You probably recall my postings over the last two seasons about the troubled and twisted relationships that I had with Kris Allen... and then the following year when I was dating both little Tim Urban and Lee Dywyze (until I finally settled for Lee).  Two years in a row, I picked the winners and carried on tumultuous affairs with them until I had to cast them aside (especially when their careers became stagnant (i.e. tanked)).  Momma didn't raise no fool.

This season promises much change.  Gone are Simon, Ellen and the other girl (who cares what her name was) and in comes lips (Steven Tyler) and ass (Jennifer Lopez).  Along with judge changes, there are some changes to the lineup, the mentors, song category selections and the way they're doing the tryouts.  The only thing that stayed the same is teeth (Ryan Seacrest) and glasses (Randy Jackson)... and probably jammed-down-your-throat product placement from Ford, Coke and ATandT.

But back to the bigger question... who will be my boyfriend this year?  Time will only tell.  I have indicated that I am receptive to an offer and have cleared the month of May for a wedding... and I am, afterall, me (one of my favorite lines from Sigourney Weaver as the bitchy Katherine Parker in the 1988 motion picture comedy Working Girl (of which Melanie Griffith won a Golden Globe for Best Actress and Sigourney for Best Supporting Actress).

Fun Had By All at High School Bar Crawl

Good Time to be a Homosexical

Maybe There Is Hope

Today, the day after Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, the Supreme Court rejected an appeal by opponents of marriage equality to put the decision up for public vote in D.C., which was the 6th jurisdiction in the U.S. to permit same-sex marriages after it passed the Religious Freedom and Marriage Equality Act of 2009.

The Supreme Court’s denial of certiorari today leaves standing a D.C. Court of Appeals decision issued last October that determined the Council acted within its authority when more than thirty years ago it established a requirement that proposed ballot initiatives may not authorize, or have the effect of authorizing, discrimination prohibited by the D.C. Human Rights Act. The Court further held that an initiative on same-sex marriage would impermissibly permit discrimination against gays and lesbians in the District.

With today’s decision from the Supreme Court, marriage equality opponents have reached the end of their legal wrangling. The D.C. Board of Elections, Superior Court, Court of Appeals and now the U.S. Supreme Court have rejected their meritless and tired arguments that they should be permitted to impose a discriminatory ballot measure on D.C. voters.