None of My Business

I've always been a 'company man' at heart... not the Don Draper sort of drinking and smoking your lunch, but the kind of man that did whatever it took to succeed, putting work in front of everything else.  I was taught the American dream... work hard and you'll succeed.  From the time I was teenager carrying a briefcase around to school, I knew I always wanted to be in business.  I started as a paperboy with my own route, making $30 a month and wondering how I would ever spend that kind of money.  Then I went into the food industry, managing a restaurant in high school in my late teens, moving on to retail management with Blockbuster Video in it's heyday.  I started as an Assistant Manager and quickly was promoted to the biggest store in the company, which was previously an old supermarket.  Within 6 months of having the highest sales numbers, I was made the District Training Manager while continuing to run my store, training all of my management peers.  I was 22 at the time.  From there, I went into office management, taking over a high-end interior design business in downtown Philadelphia and their showroom. From there, I was an Accounting and Operations Manager for a wholesale manufacturer, which eventually led to my job as Controller of a steel company, HRIS Analyst for SAP, and then Controller and Operations Manager for another manufacturing company before I got out of business altogether.  At that point, I was 33 and I had never attended college.

My mother used to always bitch at me for job-hopping, but I honestly couldn't see myself in any one particular position for any length of time.  My Dad worked in the moving business for 15 years before settling into a job on the railroad for 40 years... both back-breaking jobs, but it was different back then.  In the 80's and early 90's, it was different then as well.  It was an employee's market... I could quit a job at 10 a.m. and have another by noon, and I gained my experience and knowledge doing just that, climbing the corporate ladder, making sure that I gained pieces of business in each move, gaining a better title and more money each time.  When you don't have a college degree, title and salary become the gauge of your success and self-worth.  I had to work harder than anyone else to prove myself not only for not being educated, but for being young as well, most times walking into a management situation where I took the promotion of an older, already-established person in the company.  I've always had the philosophy of lead by example so when I rolled my sleeves up and jumped right into the trenches, I quickly gained respect.  I worked long hours and did what I had to do for the good of the company.  I've moved 38 times in my life... some for relationships but most for jobs.  I didn't know any better.  My blood pressure was through the roof and I had no life beyond my workplace.  This was living?

At the height of my business career in the position that I excelled at the most, my job was given to a friend of the family that I was working for, and I was left scrambling for position at a time where I was making too much money for someone without a college degree and one was now required to pump gas, practically, in the new business climate.  It was an employer's market now and competition was fierce.  I was disqualified most times right-off-the-bat because I didn't have an education.  The days of recognizing someone for their experience was replaced by the minimum requirement of an education and how cheaply they could hire someone.  The idea of a company man went out the window as employers didn't give two shits about their employees.  I had to reinvent myself, so I did.  Having always had an interest in physical therapy (something completely different), the market was saturated with an influx of people in the field, so I chose massage therapy and enrolled in school.  Six months later, before I even graduated, I opened a day spa and hired an esthetician and did that for a few years.  It was a total mind-fuck for me to go from title and power to the service industry and my self-worth took a tumble.  While my esthetician sat and did nothing all day long instead of drumming up business like she was supposed to, my business grew so fast that I was working 8+ hours a day, 6 days a week booked solid.  I was essentially working my ass off to have her sit on hers, so I closed up and did it out of my house for a while.  It was very rewarding to be able to physically help someone with their pain and stress, but it didn't help mine in the least bit, developing back and wrist issues as well as depression from the stress of keeping it all going and being in a dark room all day long sucking up other people's bad energy and being around those in constant pain.

I went through a several-year period of depression and odd jobs and a move to Vegas to start fresh that ruined me financially and led me to almost take my life when it didn't work out.  I moved back and did some massage and bartending while having a near breakdown that reduced me to a child-like, basic mentality of survival.  My daily goal was just telling myself that all I needed to do was get up, shower, go to work and come home, and that's exactly what I did for a long while.  I became paranoid as the recession hit, hiding all my money under my bed in a box, eventually accumulating $19k... in a shoe box... under my bed.  I was doing massage on the weekends walking out with $1,000 a weekend, plus bartending and I took a side job with my friend who had a landscaping business.  I really enjoyed being outdoors and it gave me time to clear my head.  I was working so much that I had little time for anything else.  I wasn't right in the head, but blogging and hard work got me out of the worst depression I had ever been through.  When an opportunity to take over the landscaping contract at the Marriott came up and my friend that I was working for didn't want to bid on it, I did and got it and I've had it ever since, which led to expanding into my own landscaping and deck business.  The other day, the General Manager of the Marriott left for another position, and as I watched him pull away from the parking lot on his last day, I couldn't help remembering how that was... to look in your rear-view mirror back at the place where you worked your ass off and gave so much.  Now gone, it will be hard for me to be there without him, since he was not only my friend, but also the only person there who really cared about the hard work that I put in and the attention to detail in my work ethic.  I suddenly feel a lack of purpose there that I will have to overcome.  The effort that I put forth is mostly for myself, setting standards that I can live with, but it is nice to have someone appreciate your work as well.  It also makes it worth while.  I will have to prove myself once more to the new guy.  It angers me when I see today's twenty-something's come out of college and expect to have a job handed to you, making $50k out of the gate after sending out a resume or two.  That degree doesn't get you anything except getting in the door... the rest has to be worked for and proven.  Always proving yourself.  Always.

Sure, there are days that I miss the business world, but when I look at my friends who work in cubicles for the 'man', giving their life and breath for their work, most times getting nothing out of it but high blood pressure and misery, I am thankful that my life turned out the way it did.  It took me a long time to come to the realization and acceptance of who I am and what I do for a living... I pull weeds and cut grass... I am my own boss, I take only the jobs that I want to, I run my schedule for the most part and I am finally happy. 

Recently doing work at the house I grew up in, there's a long-needle pine tree that looked like the Charlie Brown Christmas tree when I planted it.  It now towers about 70 feet high.  I am surrounded by beauty and nature in my job and when I plant a twig and see it grow into a tree, I know that I have made my mark on this earth, in my own board room, on my own terms.

Because George Michael Tells Me So

I've always been a highly logical person rooted deeply in science and needing physical proof of things or have it be right in front of my face to have belief.  'The proof is in the pudding' and 'actions speak louder than words' are mantras that I tend to live by because there's a tangible result.  In school, I was never any good at algebra and always good at geometry since the shapes and theories were easily proven visually.  Witchcraft, the paranormal, superstition and (dare I lump these all together), religion... are all things that I can't wrap my head around.

Faith is described in the dictionary as "confidence or trust in a person or thing or another's ability"... going further by saying "belief that is not based on proof".   The Bible defines faith as “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”, which doesn't surprise me since faith is the cornerstone of the basis for religion and the Bible is chock-full of things that can't be explained by evidence. 

Being gay, it's difficult to separate how the Church acts and what they say.  There isn't a better example of hypocrisy and the actions speak louder proverb couldn't be more proven by religion.  "God is Love", "Love Thy Neighbor", "We are all God's Children"... are all things regurgitated but seldom followed, especially in regards to gays.  So it's no wonder that the majority of gays are Athiests, myself included.  After all, how can I believe in something that, supposedly, condemns me to the bowels of Hell when it was, supposedly, that something that created me, and in it's image?  This becomes a real struggle for those who believe and a battle that can't be won, resulting in constant angst and, in cases, taking one's life.

In my rationalization, I have to believe that if there is a higher power and they created me, then they know what they're doing (faith in another's ability).  And while I don't follow the scriptures and the teachings of the Bible, I was taught what was right and wrong, and I try to live my life accordingly.  I answer to myself and I do what I do because it's the right thing to do, whether what's respectable, kind, considerate, moral, or what's law.  I don't look for praise for my deeds.  I don't do it for promise of reward or threat of punishment as religion dictates.  It's most times thankless and not the easiest path to take, but I do it to hold myself accountable.  In this regard, I often feel that I am more 'Christian' than Christians are.  My further belief is that, if there is a higher power, on my judgment day, how I lived my life and treated others would be valued as much as anyone who 'believes'... and who I loved (as if it's a sin) wouldn't take precedent over how I loved.

In the horror movies, our limits of belief are pushed more and more.  What seems totally ridiculous plays out in front of us in HD IMAX stereophonic realness, opening the door ever so slightly for doubt.  And while I may say I'm not superstitious, I can't say that I wouldn't turn down another street to avoid a black cat that crossed my path, or if I break a mirror that I'm not looking over my shoulder... or if I spill salt, I don't throw a bit over my shoulder, just in case.  And maybe there is a boogeyman under my bed (feel free to look for me, I don't even let my foot dangle over the bed out of the covers)... and maybe there are times when I feel an evil spell is cast upon me by the local witch, I guess I 'gotta have faith' that it's not true to continue on with my day, much like those religious have their belief system.  Perhaps I'm more of faith than I care to admit, so I'll keep being a good person, just in case.  Besides, the humidity we're having is already way more than I can handle, much less the pits of Hell... and it wreaks havoc on my skin and height of my hair.  What does the Bible say about vanity?

Through Rose-Colored Glasses

I catch myself sounding like my parents more often than I care to admit.  "When we were young..." seems to be the Once upon a time lead-in to a lot of my stories.  I used to cringe when my parents felt the need to share one of their heartache stories.  I guess at that age you don't want to hear about hardship or how life was different or better.  From snot-nosed kids who think they know it all, being told differently doesn't go over so well.  Which leads me to my next most-used saying I got from my parents:  If I knew now what I knew then.

I used to look at all my parent's pictures that were in black-and-white when they were growing up and it was hard for me to imagine life in color back then.  I guess some of it had to do with the dirt roads, dirty industry and the depression... and also with film, photograph and television being in black-and-white, but I can't see it in any other hue.  There are several apps now that you can take your photos and apply a 70's, sepia tone to them to make them look older.  When I see the 70's when I was growing up, in my mind, as with B&W era, it's how I picture my childhood growing up.  I don't remember the actual crisp colors, I only remember it through the pictures with soft, filtered, muted colors.  Today, with everything enhanced in HD, details are amazing and right in your face, if not so abrupt in stark reality.

In the 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's, things were pretty much 'black-and-white', right down to the conduct of blacks and whites.  There were strict rules of ethics, laws, regions, unions, religion, ethnicity and etiquette in social behavior. You knew what the rules were and you followed them without question.  You weren't encouraged to think outside the box but, rather, to conform.  You didn't worry about what the neighbors were doing and you kept your mouth shut and lived a rather simple, quiet existence. Your life was pretty much centered around your family and it's survival, convened once daily around the dining room table at 6 p.m. followed by a radio show... with music being light and non-offensive... all without leaving your small part of the world.  This was living. 

When the 60's, 70's and 80's came around, people started to think more about themselves and expressing their thoughts.  Advancements in communication and technology opened up your sphere of influence and the walls came down.  Equal rights for blacks, free love and women's lib bust the doors wide open for blurring the lines of social and political influence in an age of blurred color in photos and film.  Music started having political messages and pleas for peace and tranquility.  Dads started traveling out of town for work and the TV dinner replaced the nightly meeting at the dining room table as you were summoned by the dinner bell in the back yard or your mom yelling out the back door.  As a child at that time, so much happened that I was oblivious to, including the Vietnam War and several other controversial events.  I was attached to my Mom's leg in my protective, muted, soft, filtered world, just as the pictures portrayed.  We were plopped down in our living room in front of our huge 20" color console TV;  our window to the world.  Close, but far enough away.  Involved, but at a safe distance.  This was living.

Today, the internet has opened our lives up to practically the universe. You can see what's happening around the world in real-time in places that you never knew existed.  You can take vivid, color, HD pictures from your phone and half dozen other sources.  Detail is down to the freckle and anything is viewable from gore to porn 24/7.  If you're not pushing the limits of the law, economics, social norm, etiquette, opportunity, politics and geographic location, you simply are not living.  The stark reality of the age we live in is all around us and is captured in millions of megapixels and posted on every social media available for all to see.  News is around the clock and we're so bored with entertainment that we have had to go to a reality-based world of the bizarre and unexpected.  Music is graphic and explicit.  You're in everyone's business and everyone is in your face, including apps that give a blow-by-blow of your day and every move you make. Everyone wants their 5 minutes of fame.  Your job has you traveling around the world as well as your spouse's and the kids are left to fend for themselves, explaining the lack of social manners and ability to interact. Dinner is a free-for-all, rarely ever all sitting down at the same time.  This is living.

I remember my Dad telling me about him hitting a can down the alley with a stick for fun.  For us, we left the house at 8 a.m. and usually didn't come back until dark, playing in the woods and riding our bikes, etc.  At Christmas, I would spend more time playing with the box that things came in, making something out of it, rather than the actual present.  Nowadays, kids need everything to be interactive and they need to be entertained continuously.  Imagination, a thing of the past, has been replaced by minutely-detailed, graphic reality. They grow up so fast and are exposed to so much so early.  Their childhood is stripped from them early in their teens, a time where I was still playing with my Matchbox cars and Barbie G.I. Joe.  And most have had sex by the same time.

I would imagine this next generation will look down on the current one as we did on our parents, and so on.  technology will have advanced at a rate that will make today's know-it-alls as ancient as we now are, much less our parents. In closing, the phrase 'don't be in such a hurry to grow up'.   I wouldn't mind seeing life a little more blurred right about now. THAT... was really living.