The Button's Plight

 

Like any of my 'poems', this one is no different... there's a hidden comparison

 



I'll Have What She's Having

There's nothing that derails your life, plans, goals, etc. quite like love.  In it's pursuit, we are very likely to throw caution to the wind and be ready to risk it all.  We will cheat, lie and even kill in the name of love.  Most times, it's on someone that we know from the get-go isn't going to cut it.  'Don't do it, don't do it' we say to ourselves, and yet we do... every single time.  'I'll never get myself into that situation again' we say, and (wait for it...) we do.  Love is the 'stupid' drug, making us do all kinds of things that are so out of character.  It casts a spell over us and teases us into thinking if we had it, everything would be so much better.  It would all fall into place, we think.  Most times, things get more crazy in your life when you have it and it's human nature to want what you don't have.  As soon as you're in a relationship, you wish you were single, and vice-versa.

As much as we hate to admit it, Jennifer Lopez plays romantic angst really well.  She's done several movies that didn't exactly kill at the box office but still are great to watch several (hundreds of) times, especially on a rainy Sunday afternoon when it's just you and your dog snuggled up on the chaise lounge with a box of Fiddle-Faddle and a cup of tea.  We all know the story... boy meets girl in the least likely place, girl is hesitant because she's been burned before, boy says stuff and makes gestures to show he's legit, girl gives in to date, major shit is revealed about the boy, girl runs away from him (cut to Fall montages of her making cookies and scenes of her looking wantingly off into the distance while she can't stop thinking about the boy), she runs into him by accident and they go on a date and get married the next day.  Ok, maybe that only happened to me (ten too many times), but it is the plot for many a romantic movie.  When the credits roll... and you wipe that tear you fought to hold back, you realize that you are by yourself, there's caramel on your comforter and your dog has been dry-humping your leg and you didn't even notice.

We're always looking for love... and Mr. Right, even when we already have a (last week's) Mr. Right. We're always in hot pursuit... or should I say in the pursuit of hot.  Even when we were little, we were exposed to it with the fairy tales and Disney movies and even with my Barbie and Ken dolls.  To drive off into the sunset in your pink convertible with your perfect guy was my every little girl's dream.

I always have to laugh at straight people when they complain about being alone.  There are so many avenues for finding a mate when you're straight. You can't go 10 feet without running into a straight guy or girl... meanwhile, as a gay, we only have 10% of the dating pool, and it's mostly the shallow end.  Subtract out the one's already in a 'relationship' (I almost spit out my coffee) and it's even a more narrow search.  This isn't even taking mutual attraction into consideration.  It's frustrating going about your day and seeing a guy you are attracted to and realize they are straight.  It's like being rejected twice... and the first reason is their no-wiener policy.  Even other straight guys are your competition.  What's with all this touching and stuff that goes on in these bromances? It doesn't help that straight guys and hipsters are gayer than gay guys these days.  No wonder my gaydar doesn't work any more.

I don't want to admit to myself that I have probably given up on love.  I go on dates thinking this may be the one... I have an app on my phone thinking that I'm going to get a message from the one decent guy on there... I go out thinking someone nice will approach me... I guess there's still a part of me that thinks I'll be in the Piggly Wiggly produce department and I'll reach for the same melon that the guy of my dreams is reaching for and our eyes will meet and it will be kismet.  That if I had love, everything would be better and it would all fall into place (oh wait... where have I heard this before?)  Maybe my first mistake is believing that... or maybe my mistake is reaching for melons when I should be reaching for fresh nuts?

I Can't Get No... Satisfaction

"In my day...", she would start her sentence... and I knew that I was in for one of my Mom's recollections of a bygone era when things were simpler and people worked together towards the common goal and for the greater good... and respected each other... blah, blah, blah.  I remember rolling my eyes and thinking "ugh, spare me".  And now as an adult, I know exactly what she meant, as I find myself longing for my bygone era.  It's funny how the time period that I want to go back to that I recall as simpler, etc... was when I was a kid... and that was such a 'lawless' period of decline in morality for her and her era was much better than mine.  By this logic and pattern of previous times being better than the current, we should be able to trace all the way back to perfect, if there is such a place or time.

She was right, though... people have changed and things have changed.  And not that change isn't good, but it isn't good when it isn't good... and it's not going in a good direction right now.  There's definitely a deterioration in people's attitude towards each other.  "One for all" is more like "all for one", with people mostly interested in what they can get rather than give.  Human interaction is replaced by disconnection in a time when we are the most socially and technologically connected.  Entitlement, greed and disrespect are applauded and accepted as the norm.  It's almost as though people didn't know any better... like they were never taught right from wrong.  When did this happen?  What's to blame?  The internet... dual-income households with a lack of parenting... or maybe just the way that we communicate with each other nowadays? 

Lately, there were several things that have happened in different aspects of my life (career, friendships, relationships, etc.) that all ended up with the same result:  disappointment.  Maybe there's some validity to the logic that you can only disappointment yourself by setting your expectations too high, but how low can you set them before you are no longer true to yourself... that you are disrespecting and devaluing yourself.. or that you have abandoned your morals?  These people make you think you are crazy for expecting them to act like a basic, decent human being when that should be ground zero, not something that you aspire to or, worse, don't even shoot for.  

The sorrow that I feel as a result of letting my guard down and trusting or relying on someone only to be constantly disappointed time after time  is crippling.  It's a cumulative effect... like a snowball rolling downhill.  You just get to a point where you shield yourself from social interaction... from trying... from involvement or even leaving the house.  I find myself blocking myself from anything that can let me down, including my Facebook feed, the news or any other source.  For me, it's to the point that I am avoiding everyone and everything.  I just can't take it any more.

I'm not looking for perfection, in fact, my expectations and standards are so low and accepting, that I think that when I get disappointed, I already expected it and I am left disappointed in myself for lowering myself to that level and setting myself up knowingly.

If I lower my expectations any further, I will be down on the ground, and since I'm already getting screwed, I might as well lie back and throw my legs up and enjoy it... that's other's expectation of me, it seems.