Yes, Virginia... There Is...

It came without ribbons, it came without tags, it came without packages, boxes or bags... I ignored Christmas this year, and it still came.  Fortunately, it left much quicker than it came... much like a $10 whore at the end of a long night of tricks... money on the dresser and a slam of the door with no exchange of a number.  Good bye... good riddance... good luck.

Being an atheist, single and not a parent, it seems very logical that I wouldn't be into Christmas, and yet I still tend to fall into all the guilt traps that my friends and society puts on us.  Let's face it, the true meaning of Christmas is buried so far under an avalanche of consumerism, commercialism and hypocrisy, not even the star of Bethlehem can light up a return pathway.  Last weekend, I attended a concert at my friend's church.  It was the telling of the nativity through the songs of the Beatles set in 1969 Pittsburgh.  And while it was excellent (who knew their songs would be able to match up to the birth of Jesus), there were so many perspectives that I lost track of the story along the way.  The message of the whole season is lost any more.

Being a bleeding-heart liberal, oddly, I'm very traditional and conservative in my thinking, especially when it comes to monogamy, love and relationships, but religion as well.  Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in any of it and think it's cult-like and brainwashing and hypocritical, but I have much more respect for someone that follows it to the letter... even though I don't believe a word of it... than for someone who does the a la carte religion, picking and choosing what works for them.  Logically, that rationalization of religion makes more sense to me if they weren't picking and choosing to make themselves feel better (i.e., being a hypocrite) but, for some reason, I'd rather see someone following it whole-heartedly than half-assedly.

"Please, Lord.. let this plane arrive safely without any mishaps or accidents or anyone getting hurt" is my standard prayer when I'm on an airplane.  That's about the only time that I'll have a conversation with 'Him'.  I guess I'm no better than your garden variety Christian... hedging my bets, but from a different angle.  Having been strong-willed since I was young, I've always felt that being religious... needing someone else to give you strength rather than finding it within... was always a sign of weakness.  Are there times I think about if I'm making a mistake by not accepting God... perhaps... but, as with being gay, I have to rationalize it that if I'm standing there on my judgment day and He's in front of me, then it was Him that made me that way... and he'd surely have to forgive me for trying to figure it all out on my own as well without help.  Perhaps I'm too much of a logical realist to just blanketly believe... but He made me that way as well.  It's all His fault.


There's not much about Christmas that I believe in any more.  I don't have a strong sense of family... there aren't any kids around to see it through their eyes... I don't like getting presents... I don't have a partner... I don't believe in running up bills to exchange gifts... or cutting down pine trees for a few weeks... or the religious parts of it.  What it means to me is that there shouldn't just be one day where you are nice to someone or that you spend time with them.. or that you give back or give thanks.  Those should happen all year long, just as you should worship Him, if that's what you believe in.  Meanwhile, for me, it's just another day of trying to be the best I can be.  All the snow, presents and words of good cheer won't change that.

It's That Time of Year...

The holidays are upon us... and it seems like they have been since August.  Whoever says there's a war on Christmas needs to get their head examined; it seems to get earlier and earlier every year.

I took ten days to do some relaxing and visiting in Florida.  I was hoping to meet up with my half-brother Gary for the first time, but that didn't materialize.  Instead, I saw my friends David and David and Rick and traveled between St. Pete, Sarasota, Tampa, Orlando and Daytona.  It was a good way to wrap up a particularly difficult landscaping season but my head wasn't really into it.  I've gained some weight back and wasn't feeling up to laying out in the sun... and I got the flu a few days before I left to come back home, so I was just eager to get back.

I have a number of projects to concentrate on this winter but, first, I need to get myself organized and wrap up a few things before I go forward.  My Dad started his radiation therapy for his throat cancer, so I'm keeping an eye on him, anticipating week 4 - 7 to be more difficult as his throat gets more sore and he won't be able to eat easily.  I'm throwing him a birthday party on Sunday with several relatives that haven't seen each other in many years, so it should be nice.  Thank goodness for my friend Robin who is helping me with the food since I am less than stellar in the kitchen.

I'm doing well with my normal winter depression.  I feel hopeful.  I've already started my diet earlier this week and lost 4 pounds.  I need to get to the gym and get back into my routine.  This is the second end-of-the-season with experiencing back problems and it makes me nervous wondering if I'm going to have a repeat of last year not being able to walk and in bed for months... and how long I'll be able to do this line of work.  At the same time, I'm considering expanding my business next season because I don't feel like I'm accomplishing enough in life any more.  A busy mind is a healthy mind... I have too much down time and I need to push myself.

I'm present in my current self-dealt mood.  It's a good day.