Depression is a difficult situation for everyone involved. Whether it's you who is depressed or you know someone who is depressed, it's one of those things where everyone is helpless, there's no easy way out and no one has the answer or the understanding. With the holidays and Winter setting in full-force, it's hard not to be affected in one way or another with the changes in light. Recently, I have noticed many people opening up about themselves on Facebook and it really is shocking to see how many people are suffering, especially when it's one of your close friends and you never knew of their battle... because people get really good at hiding it. Left untreated, you can really spiral deep into a hole that you can't get out of and it becomes extremely destructive.
Everything has a fancy, technical name, nowadays. When we were kids, you were 'hyperactive' if you were bouncing off the walls, but now you have A.D.D. If you had pains in your stomach, you had a 'tummy ache', and now it's acid-reflux. And if you were sad, you just had 'the blues', and now it's one of many types of depression. The amount of people who are affected by depression is staggering, as is the amount of people on some sort of medication in this Prozac nation. Almost everyone you talk to is on something and it's so common that we might as well wear our prescription on our lapel like a badge. Our medical ailments become our identities, especially as we grow older. We are a nation of apathetic, emotionless zombies, either in a fog dealing with the depression or in a fog because of the medication we are on to deal with the depression. Maybe it's cause is in the water... or maybe it was something in the change of ingredients of Coca-Cola when it was briefly Coke Classic or what they've been putting in our food... but
something has had an effect on our ability to cope or something has altered our internal chemical composition. Are times any tougher to deal with now than they ever were? Maybe... but probably not. It's something else.
I see depression in two types; the first, I call
situational/conditional depression. This is when you don't get the promotion that you feel that you deserved... or the boy that you're head-over-heels for doesn't know that you're alive... or you didn't win the lottery like you fully expected. These are all examples of you not getting your way and pouting. And, eventually (when you wise up and come back to reality), you get over it and move on. The second type is
chemical depression. This is how you feel when it's the most sunniest of days, you just won the lottery and then you trip on a sack full of $20 bills on the way out from a random hookup where you just got the best sex of your life... and your only thought is why bother with life... and all you want to do is crawl into bed and never come out... and lose all hope and your desire to spend another minute on earth... in your body... in your life... and you just want the noises and voices in your head to stop and the pain to end. You don't care about eating, sex, hygiene.. it's all out the window. And
then it gets really bad, as you spiral even deeper into a non-recoverable pit of darkness in your mind, all the while, not being able to 'snap' out of it. And while sometimes it's onset is gradual and you eventually realize that something is off, sometimes it's different from one second to the next... from 1 to 10 without 2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and 9. It's exhausting and destructive.
It's hard for someone who has never had severe depression to understand it. One of the worst things that you can say to someone who is depressed is
'cheer up'. I don't think there's a phrase in the English language that says 'I'm really not interested in what you're going through, but you're bringing me down, so... just snap out of it' more than that phrase. "Things will get better" is a close second... because while things may get better, the person doesn't. It's not curable... and treatment is an ongoing crap-shoot, so it never really ends. Depression is often misconstrued as a pity party or attention-getter... or that someone is just really negative and wants to mope around, but it's none of those. It is absolutely out of that person's control. Something in their chemical composition at that point is triggering feelings of sadness in their head that they cannot stop. No one wants to be depressed. No one wants to bring people down... and so people put on a brave face... don't talk about it... hide it... hide out... suppress the pain and push it way down until you smash so much of your feelings down just like you would garbage in a garbage can so that you can get more garbage in it... but, eventually, it bursts and spills over and makes a mess. You feel like you are outside of your head watching your sad self be paralyzed by it, all the while not being able to do anything about it. You have lost control of yourself. So you stop caring about anything and everything and everybody. You are so overwhelmed with grief and sadness that you lose hope and interest and see no way out to stop the pain. This can happen in a matter of minutes... a matter of days or maybe over several weeks. If you're lucky, you get help though medication, although that doesn't really do a whole lot. In some cases, it actually makes you more suicidal and more of a zombie... as your sex drive disappears... you gain weight and you don't care about anything, so I'm not sure what's better. The alternative is to look for another way out and you don't care who will be hurt when you take your life because, at that point, you don't see any other way out... you just can't bear the pain any more. You just need it all to end. The ability to take your life is sometimes the only thing that gives you a sense of control.
Recently, Robin Williams took his own life to end his struggle which, clearly, he hid. I mean, how could a man who has devoted his whole life to making people happy through his craft be sad and hurting inside? And how selfish for him to make people so upset over his loss, right? People always talk about how selfish it is of the person who takes their own life, but what people don't realize is that having to put on a smile for everyone around you when you feel this way is excruciating. The selfish person is the one around him who never bothered to notice that he was in pain.. or didn't want to notice because they only wanted the pleasure that he provided. It was his life to live or take... not anyone else's.
I try to stay focused on a task and keep busy when I feel it coming on, which I think really helps me, but everyone is different. A good night's sleep stops the thought process in my head and recalibrates my system. Eating better and working out has also helped me recently. 40+ moves, 20+ jobs and Lord knows how many relationships later... I'm still struggling for stability, realizing that I can't hang my happiness on something or somewhere or someone else. No matter where I go, I am always going to be there.
Sadly, there's no cheat sheet for those around a depressed person either. You aren't going to be able to snap them out of it... you can't love them out of it and, in some cases, telling them how much you care about them and love them and need them in your life only makes it worse, as then they feel like they are failing you and are worthless on top of everything else. Don't discount or marginalize what they are feeling... research it and try to understand it... be there for them if they want to talk... hold them if they need that. Help them get help if they want it. And, sometimes, saying nothing while sitting with them is the best medicine... and the best way to show you are there and you care.
In an age where we are not only arm's length away... but hide behind texting, which further separates us... be in contact with your friends often... be around them often.... be aware... and be kind... always.
