Nobody Knows...

It always amazes me how some of the people closest to me who say they know me the best... understand me... 'get me'... are the people who know me the least.  Whether for selfish or unselfish motives, they can't help themselves.  Someone I date who says they understand that I need space physically suffocates me.  A friend who, instead of reiterating that they are there if I need them and then stepping back, inserts themselves into my every situation.  Most times, I just to be left alone for a bit.

There are times where I just want to scream.  I feel so claustrophobic that answering my phone and having anything more than a few minute conversation is so painful for me.  I just want to hide and disconnect myself from the world.  Most times, I have no where to go... and my family and friends need so much time and attention.  Every time the phone rings, I get a sinking feeling... mainly because I know that it's going to be someone that needs something from me.  Sadly, I have myself to blame for being the 'go-to' guy and the person that gets things done and I don't know how to say 'no'.

In the meantime, I just hide from people in an odd twist of wanting to be alone and being lonely.

Pulling Over

Today, I take back my blog.  No more will I hold back from writing what I'm feeling because it's not politically correct or it may shock someone... nor will I take anyone else's feelings into consideration in what I express, because that is only selling myself short and getting away from why I started this to begin with.  Here, I will now be me... not the me that I have to be for others... the real me.

Time to shut the cruise control off and pull over to regroup.

Ho Ho Ho (HUM)

I've signed on several times over the last couple of weeks to divert my blog to a different address as I have a few times over the years.  Putting a great deal of thought into how having the blog has affected my life both good and bad... and recently dealing more with my stalker... it's left me feeling over-exposed.  Likewise for my Facebook account.  I feel like hibernating... or disappearing.

Last week, I was awarded a temporary PFA (restraining) order against my stalker and after spending 7 hours in the legal system to get it, it left me a bit raw.  At the end of the day with the order in my hand, it was both exhausting and excitingly freeing.  I was emotionally drained having to recount each thing over the years.  This week, I push forward with the harassment charges and should have a hearing for the permanent PFA order soon as well.

Last week, I decided not to continue building a relationship with Rob.  While he is exactly where he should be at his age, needing intense attention and affection... I am at the other end of the spectrum, especially with feeling overexposed, including having to be 'on' all the time at the bar.  Having felt suffocated a few times with him, I felt that it was best that he find someone more at his level of intensity... a level that he deserves... and that I concentrate on my priorities.  With my responsibilities to my family and both jobs, I can't give him what he needs... and he can't give me the space that I need.  I have to realize that this is who I am... that I like my alone time... and need it... and will need to take that into consideration if and when I get involved again.

So far, the holiday season has been nice.  Last weekend, we all went to Light Up Night... the city of Pittsburgh has every office building turn their lights on to symbolize the start of the holiday season.  There's great food and entertainment... and my favorite... the outside ice skating rink.  We all had a nice time.  I followed it up by taking my Dad over to my friend, Robin's house for Thanksgiving.  She has a large family... and we had a great dinner.  This has been the best holiday season for me in a long time.  Her family has become mine.

I've been trying to wind down my landscaping contract, but with the weather... it's been hard.  I still have a lot of work to do.  I've been working days at the Marriott and nights at the bar.  Last night, I slept 14.5 hours to get caught up.  Crazy... considering I usually sleep 5 or 6 per night.

I leave for Vegas next week, for a week.  My friend Scott and I are going... he's never been, so it will be fun.  We're going to head to the Grand Canyon for a day since he's never seen that either.  I'm looking forward to getting away and spending some time with him.

The Drowning (An Original Poem)

Despite repeated warning, we wade in past the water's edge

feeling it's shockingly cold with small, infrequent pools of warmth

making our skin taught and strong

until we're saturated, taking on weight.

With lost footing, gliding into an effortless current, we ride the
path until it begins to churn and twirl and shift
forcing us to navigate from the obstacles
to avoid pain, harm and danger.

Joined by undertow and rip-tide, we are now
jostled and forced and out of control
floating in directions that we can't change
finding no strength to divert ourselves.

Thrown, pulled under and banged up, our response
is to stay calm and breathe and keep above water
frequently bobbing under but fighting for our life
though we are no match.

Taking on more than we can handle, we gasp and
reach for any lifeline as there's a brief moment of
questioning our abilities, stability and sanity
and whether to continue the fight or just give in.

Completely immersed and holding our breath, the gap closes
between certain demise and safety with distance from escape
rapidly increasing forcing us to accept our new plight
floating, seeing our past before us, staring out blankly into the abyss.

From within, our instictive nature enacts, and we shed
anything not necessary in our survival, tearing off layers that weighed us down
until we are left with stark nakedness, thrashing toward
our new hope and second chance, lighter.

Our body emerges from the dark and deep, exhausted from
the fight, gasping for air, searching for footing, surveying our new position
and looking at a new exit strategy that's full of hope on the banks
of our regained sanity.

Karma is a Bitch

Apparently, my stalker had two intruders come into his apartment (above the store with the window display of me is) last night at around ten p.m.  When he awoke, he found two guys standing over his bed and after throwing a lamp at them and pleading for his life and the life of his dog, they hit him in the head with a pipe and he threw a tin can with $6k in it at them and they took it and ran.  The odd thing is that there wasn't any forced entry... so they are looking at past employees as the suspects.  If they wanted to rob him, it's surprising why they just didn't go there when he wasn't home, if they had the keys.  Sounds more like someone that he knew... or let in, like a trick... that went wrong.  The story has been all over the news (see below)... and you can see my picture and the window display behind the reporter. 

While I would never want to see anything bad happen to anyone (even him), it does prove the old addage that karma can be a bitch.  He must have pissed someone off along the way... no one ever has anything good to say about him that I've come across, especially in the neighborhood.  I'm just glad that I had an alibi... it wouldn't surprise me if he hit himself in the head and claimed the whole thing to happen to gain insurance money or blame the whole thing on me, and I told the police that.

After taking down my last post on this... and then receiving a few random, scrambled, untraceable texts and phone calls over the last week, I've tried letting it go and ignoring it, but at the advice of a few friends... several of them police officers... I have pushed forward with legal action and spoke with an officer last Thursday and again today outside of his store, explaining the whole situation... followed by me filing charges at the county building.  After 6+ years of dealing with him, I simply want to move on from this shit-storm that he brings upon himself and pulls everyone else into.

Man'>http://www.wpxi.com/news/29763069/detail.html#.TsGhp7FkyOw.blogger">Man Beaten By Pipe In Lawrencville Home Invasion - News Story - WPXI Pittsburgh

http://www.wpxi.com/news/29763069/detail.html

YUM !! (The Power of Two)

For the last month or so, I've been dating this great guy named Rob... and although we haven't officially put a name on it, it's going well and I'm very happy.  Yesterday, we spent the day together and had a really nice time.  Our individual histories are very similar... we share a lot of the same interests and have like morals and compassion for our fellow man.  He's a firefighter... and works in the emergency medical field... and works with mentally challenged kids.  He's good people.  The Power of Two is my favorite Indigo Girls song.

My Brother Gary... and My Other Brother Gary

So... I know that I said that was it... no more blogging... but a few odd but great things happened over the weekend that I wanted to share and cronicle in my blog history.

I was away for the last 4 days on another Body Electric retreat... this time, a live-in situation at the Claymont Mansion near Charles Town, West Virginia (near Hagerstown, MD, outside of D.C.).  The house was built in the 1800's and was once home to George Washington's grandnephew.  It was an awesome look back in history with it's grand foyer, parlor and grand ballroom... you felt compelled to tear down the velvet draperies, whip up a frock that Scarlet would be jealous of and promenade down the grand staircase, exclaim 'fiddle-de-de' and receive guests... or at least I felt compelled to do that.  In contrast to the other two Body Electric classes that I took, this one was different in that we ate, slept and did our workshop in the same location with all 18 participants rather than leaving at 6 and coming back the next day.  The staff of the historic society that runs it made us 3 yummy vegetarian meals a day and we all bunked in the many bedrooms.  Being an assistant this time around, I got to see a broad overview of the whole process from start to finish and got to work with some of the participants as well.  Always a different experience each time, this one was no different in that I learned a lot and made personal progress in many ways.  I'm looking forward to assisting again at another workshop and continuing with taking other workshops in the progression.  After a 4 hour drive, I just arrived back home.

Over the weekend, I received an email from my half-sister, Judith.  Apparently, I have another half-brother that has emerged.... making this my second half-brother named Gary.  He is 47 and lives in Ft. Meyers... is a truck driver and has a similar background like mine... adopted into a good family... father recently died and moved in to take care of his mom... and came across his adoption papers in his Dad's strong box outlining his adoption.  After some searching, he was able to track down Judith as I did and she informed me and I called him on my way home tonight. There's a possibility that he and I could be blood brother and not just half, sharing the same mother and father, but only a DNA test can prove that... our biological father is a mystery... and we're determining whether we look alike or not by exchanging photos.  I'm excited... we have a lot in common and it seems out of the 9 half-brothers and sisters on my mother's side, we're the only two that are interested in the history and connection, so I'll definitely be keeping in touch with him... hopefully finding out more information.   Coincidentally, now Judith has two brothers named Gary... and two named David.

That's All, Folks!

I've been going back and forth about ending the blog for several reasons... apathy, over-exposure, and time constraints, to name a few.   Mainly, I'm tired of talking, hearing myself and over-analyzing every single thing.  Time to fly by the seat of my pants.

I've had a great run... I enjoyed meeting many great people and will continue to follow their blogs. 

I appreciate the support, advice and interest on everyone's part.  Thank you for sharing my life...