My Fault, Big-Time

Pedophilia by priests in the church is almost as deplorable and disgusting as the cover up by the church/Vatican itself. At least the pedophile has an illness that cannot be cured, but the Vatican made conscious decisions to put itself first and not cure this rampant disease within it's walls. Years of blaming everyone else (including the victims) and sympathizing and protecting these predators is not conducting yourself in the way that God/Jesus led. Allowing the church to act above reproach and turning a blind eye as a parish, is in and of itself cult-like and as bad as having a hand in these grossly heinous acts against the innocent yourself. How anyone can attend and give money to an establishment that spends it's time condemning everyone else for a bunch of bullshit that they, themselves, do not follow, is beyond me. How any religious person in this country can oppose, say, healthcare for the needy... one of the most important teachings of Jesus... while they sit idly by watching their basket money go to pedophile lawsuit payouts (some $2billion so far (while the church greedily files bankruptcy to protect their money from further payouts)) is disgusting, let alone hypocritical... and this Pope is at the heart of it, especially having held the office of investigative research into these acts. all the while doing nothing. Good bye and good riddance.

Although I am an Atheist and don't believe in any religious nonsense, I do believe in having spiritual guidance, although I, myself, do not partake. Years of persecution of gays by the church, Belief being behind every war, the hypocrisy and conduct like this has made it impossible for me to feel anything but contempt. I truly hope that the decline in church attendance over the years is due to people being smart enough to recognize that their spiritual connection does not have to be voiced through such an ugly puppet. In a way, people fleeing the church makes me believe in a higher power much more than when there was strength in church-goer numbers because it shows me that the actual message of God is being heard and understood and not just regurgitated by people who have no idea what any of it means.

"Mea Maxima Culpa" is the new documentary on HBO, highlighting how the Vatican covered this up for years.  "Mea Culpa" translates as "My Fault"... while "Maxima" translates as "Grand".  This could be taken as God/Jesus saying that he messed up big-time leaving his Word to a bunch of idiots to preach... or, if the Vatican had any conscience, an admittance of wrong-doing and acceptance of responsibility.  We know it's probably not the latter.  This documentary is a must-see for anyone who genuinely seeks truth in their faith leaders, especially at this point with the exit of the current Pope... hands stained with sin. 

Gently Bent; Needs Some Straightening Out

It's fitting that I'm writing a post on Groundhog Day about history repeating itself.  The great Spanish philosopher George Santayana (1863-1952) said in The Life of Reason: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it", suggesting that if we are not cognizant of our past mistakes, we'll continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.  I guess that's two-fold in that you have to be aware of them when the possibility of the mistake presents itself... and you have to do the work to make sure you've learned something to prevent it to begin with.  In Les Miserables, Jean Valjean questions himself several times... can he actually be the thief as accused... or does he have the potential to be better... and does he even know which is which?  It's something he struggles with throughout his life, particularly when faced with different challenges.  This blog has been very cathartic for me to work through many issues (and by 'many', I mean a whole shitload).  One area that I have a particular mental block is having to do with love... perhaps because there are several heads working against each other when they should be in tandem... perhaps my DNA makeup... perhaps the constant fight I have going on in my head... or perhaps it's just my eternal damnation.

For those who are familiar with my 30 year love life, this is the point where you can think "here we go again"... and go back to your internet porn.  For those gluttons for punishment or those who like to endure pain and suffering... I have managed to derail another start of a relationship.  Taking all things into consideration, I could blame the other person.  That's what most people do because, let's face it, then we don't have to look at ourselves for contribution to the problem.  In this instance (as with some others lately), it's not the other person.  In fact, he couldn't be a better person in every aspect.  I targeted him because of the kind of person that he is... caring, monogamous, kind, compassionate and funny, to name a few... all of which are difficult to find in guys in this day and age.  I instantly fell in love with the idea that he would be a safe bet and, coming off a run of assholes, it was a welcomed change and I jumped right in.  I could instantly see our lives several years down the road and it felt really comfortable... add water, instant relationship.  And then the familiar scenario happened where someone falls for me before I get a chance to really know them. I, instead, spend my time managing the situation or holding them back, never really figuring out what I feel, so I don't feel.  After 4 weeks, I totally connected with the idea of him rather than the actual person, none of it his fault.  This has happened to me in the past. 

After twenty-five years of one relationship after another, some for many years... I have always been on the relationship track way back to when I turned 21.  While my friends were out banging everything that walked, I never had much of a single life, content to be building a life with someone in our home.  After my last major relationship about 5 years ago, I haven't had much luck with steady relationships.  Since that time, while all I've ever known is relationships in the past and I continued to steer myself in that direction, changes in that time period have given me a different outlook and contributed to a me that I don't recognize. At 45, I have no idea of who I am when it comes to love.  I have no idea what it is that I need from someone or sex... or what I really want.  All I have is a track record where I've applied a formula that doesn't work for me in my current situation.  Coming to grips with that, much less accepting it, will be difficult for me being so set in my ways all these years.  The wheels of a cart can jump out of the indentation in the road, but they'll eventually fall back in.  Introducing the person that I think I am in my head with the person I actually am (in thought, practice and preference) will be a tall order.  Meanwhile, I'm steering clear of involvement along the relationship lines and sticking to areas of honest, self-discovery.