Gently Bent; Needs Some Straightening Out

It's fitting that I'm writing a post on Groundhog Day about history repeating itself.  The great Spanish philosopher George Santayana (1863-1952) said in The Life of Reason: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it", suggesting that if we are not cognizant of our past mistakes, we'll continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.  I guess that's two-fold in that you have to be aware of them when the possibility of the mistake presents itself... and you have to do the work to make sure you've learned something to prevent it to begin with.  In Les Miserables, Jean Valjean questions himself several times... can he actually be the thief as accused... or does he have the potential to be better... and does he even know which is which?  It's something he struggles with throughout his life, particularly when faced with different challenges.  This blog has been very cathartic for me to work through many issues (and by 'many', I mean a whole shitload).  One area that I have a particular mental block is having to do with love... perhaps because there are several heads working against each other when they should be in tandem... perhaps my DNA makeup... perhaps the constant fight I have going on in my head... or perhaps it's just my eternal damnation.

For those who are familiar with my 30 year love life, this is the point where you can think "here we go again"... and go back to your internet porn.  For those gluttons for punishment or those who like to endure pain and suffering... I have managed to derail another start of a relationship.  Taking all things into consideration, I could blame the other person.  That's what most people do because, let's face it, then we don't have to look at ourselves for contribution to the problem.  In this instance (as with some others lately), it's not the other person.  In fact, he couldn't be a better person in every aspect.  I targeted him because of the kind of person that he is... caring, monogamous, kind, compassionate and funny, to name a few... all of which are difficult to find in guys in this day and age.  I instantly fell in love with the idea that he would be a safe bet and, coming off a run of assholes, it was a welcomed change and I jumped right in.  I could instantly see our lives several years down the road and it felt really comfortable... add water, instant relationship.  And then the familiar scenario happened where someone falls for me before I get a chance to really know them. I, instead, spend my time managing the situation or holding them back, never really figuring out what I feel, so I don't feel.  After 4 weeks, I totally connected with the idea of him rather than the actual person, none of it his fault.  This has happened to me in the past. 

After twenty-five years of one relationship after another, some for many years... I have always been on the relationship track way back to when I turned 21.  While my friends were out banging everything that walked, I never had much of a single life, content to be building a life with someone in our home.  After my last major relationship about 5 years ago, I haven't had much luck with steady relationships.  Since that time, while all I've ever known is relationships in the past and I continued to steer myself in that direction, changes in that time period have given me a different outlook and contributed to a me that I don't recognize. At 45, I have no idea of who I am when it comes to love.  I have no idea what it is that I need from someone or sex... or what I really want.  All I have is a track record where I've applied a formula that doesn't work for me in my current situation.  Coming to grips with that, much less accepting it, will be difficult for me being so set in my ways all these years.  The wheels of a cart can jump out of the indentation in the road, but they'll eventually fall back in.  Introducing the person that I think I am in my head with the person I actually am (in thought, practice and preference) will be a tall order.  Meanwhile, I'm steering clear of involvement along the relationship lines and sticking to areas of honest, self-discovery.