I Don't Care

I haven't posted in a while.  With wrapping up my landscaping season and then going away for a week to Vegas with Scott... then having a disc problem that rendered my useless for several days in excrutiating pain... I'm finally getting back on track again.  With the physical limitations and problems, I'm going lightly, which is the total opposite of what I need to do for my mental state of being right now.  With the holidays right on top of me, weighing me down emotionally like a sack of flour... winter right in the midst and not working much, this is prime time for my mental state to go haywire with depression and the ever-popular self-loathing.

I had plans on coming back from the trip and jumping into losing weight and working out like I did last January.  Although not as bad as last year, I did gain some weight back, mainly from stress eating over the last couple of months, and I need to get back into it again, if not for just to have a focus for the next couple of months to keep my mind off things.  I don't feel healthy.  I feel horrible, actually... but the vicious circle of stress eating has a hold on me.  I feel like crap about how I look, so I eat more food in comfort.  It never ends.

I guess reasons to stop are obvious... but reasons to start aren't always that clear.  I don't like the empty attention that I get when I work out... and don't have anyone to work out for if I did like the attention... so that just adds to my shame spiral.  Apathy... pure and simple.  I don't care about too much of anything right now.

Broken-Winged Sparrow

What a fancy flight you've taken
but upon your return home
the glass cage you've been staring out of
suddenly becomes unclear as your two worlds collide, now looking inward.

With a seemingly unobstructed path
the deceiving view became a reality
upon impact as the pain set in
and you realized you are now unable to fly.

Feathers flying, you've lost a part of yourself
much-needed for you to soar
and be all that you can be...
You are mamed, but not dead.

Nest and you will die
from the outside in, first from your wound
and then from lost potential, shared beauty lessened, despair and blackened spirit.
You were meant to fly.

Feeling helpless, I could swoop you up and coddle you
as you need to be, repairing your wing, propping you up
but the gain thru self-discovery, internal healing
and self-rehabilitation will bring strength tenfold for future flight.

Clouded by selfish judgement, reliance on me
by caging you for my own pleasure is first thought
but with guidance in your healing and giving you an unobstructed path
perhaps you will freely fly back to me to sing a more joyful song; just for me.

Fight, little sparrow, for I can't stand to see
such beauty go for not...
your song, soothing
your flight, revelry
your gaze, innocent
your feathers, intricately gorgeous.

Blog Repurposed

Having undergone many changes throughout it's lifespan, the blog moves in a different direction... Click here for history :  More About Me and This Blog

Vegas Countdown

Only a few more days until I leave for Vegas... I can't wait!!!