Bees

Last night, I had a dream that I was being attacked by a swarm of bees. I'm sure that if I looked that dream up, it would translate to my brother's constant, unending pestering. As I predicted, he called today... and wants me to pay his $400 rent at the halfway house so he doesn't have to be on the street. The same place that he got thrown out from last week after 4 days for using again while there. And it's happened in the past (where we pay and he gets thrown out and we lose the money). The best is when he says he'll pay us back. That has never happened. If he gives us money, he just wants to borrow it again a few days later and hounds you until you give it to him.

If I were a betting man, I would have higher odds of winning betting $400 that the end of the world is coming in 15 minutes than my brother making it a week without using. And as usual, the whole ordeal paralyzed me today... I'm just getting out of bed now. It's having to have the debate with an irrational person... the time involved... dredging up all the past times... and basically being put in the position of being 'the bad guy'... because he neither understands why I'd say no, doesn't care about or even admit what he's done in the past... nor will he put himself in anyone else's shoes. It's like it's the first time he's ever asked for anything each time. And while we are scarred from previous battles and disappointments, he's bubbly and, for 45 minutes, all excited about making progress. Until the drugs become the option. Then it's starts all over again. Now we have to be on alert. I have to go to the horseshoe courts and warn my Dad. This is my life.

Smoke Gets In My Eyes...

Today, I started painting the hallway. It's amazing, as seen in the photos, the difference in color between the fresh paint (an off-white, no less) and the paint on the walls, saturated with nicotine and smoke... it's really disgusting. What's even more disgusting is my brother and my Dad, the smokers, were nowhere in sight painting over their mess. Not to bitch, but it's amazing to me that the more you try to be a good person, the more you get fucked over in life. My brother, who did nothing around the house for years... who had my Dad run him all over town, getting him up for work every day, making his meals, washing his clothes... took well over $120k over that time period from my Dad... did nothing but sit and smoke and watch TV and use drugs... and now I have to go over there and clean up all the mess... worry about my Dad's finances... worry about my Dad's health... and my brother got his already. Of course he blew it on drugs, but still. And what's left, I will have to pay off the debt that my brother and nephew got my Dad into and take care of my Dad with. The lesson: Fuck everyone over, including (and especially) your family and you will get what you want.

Progress...

Yesterday, I went back over to my Dad's and had a pretty productive day painting a couple of rooms. My Mom was very particular about the way she kept the house clean and after my Dad and brother and his friend lived there over the last 15 years since her death, it's an absolute mess. I cringed when I went over there knowing how my Mom must be rolling over in her grave. More and more, the house lost all resemblance of my Mom. Yesterday, standing in a freshly-painted and cleaned room, I was transported back... it almost felt like she'd be calling me from the other room. It was great to feel her presence again, as silly as that sounds. It's very therapeutic for me to get things accomplished over there... one step closer to getting rid of my brother's safe haven and getting things paid off for my Dad. My friend, a real estate broker, is coming over to look at the house to get it on the market.

Last night, with Monday Movie Madness, Matt and I went to see 'The Informant' with Matt Damon. A true story about a whistle-blower at a company in the 1990's, Matt Damon was excellent as the lead, gaining weight and taking on all the quirky traits of the character. The movie was very entertaining, well done and funny. I would highly recommend it. Since it's fall and all the flowers are dying, no more petunia ratings until spring. So I give it 4 bags of leaves (and half a bag raked up) out of 5.

The Dahntahn Song...

I stole this from Matt's blog... too funny!!

Overhead...

There's always a black cloud over my head. Peace and quiet doesn't seem to be an option for me. I find myself constantly trying to 'get away' and being by myself has become less of a desire and more of a necessity.

I'm exhausted with being my family's rock. The parent. The logical one who takes it all on and figures it all out. I've spent the last six months trying to shield my Dad from my brother, but mainly from himself. Every single phone call from my brother turns out to be a defeat of some sort. Short of disconnecting the phone, finding a way to totally isolate my Dad's money from himself and locking him in the house, I don't know how else to get it all to stop. I've watched 5 hours of 'Supernanny' today... and realized that I'd have a better chance with 3 4-yr-olds than one 44-year-old and an 81-yr-old. I didn't sign up for this.

Yesterday I got a few rooms painted at the old house. I told my brother that I would take him to rehab today and that he had to be out of the house. All morning long, knowing that he'd be out of there as soon as I went over there and got him, that still wasn't enough to motivate me. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to get the process going. I've been through it so many times that I know that it's not the answer... not for him and his problem (he will never change no matter what opportunity he is given or who helps him) and not for peace and quiet for us. Until he is dead, he will never go away. I've lost any compassion for him and his situation... I don't care what happens to him as long as we're not involved. That's a terrible way to feel, but it's what I've been pushed to. And while I go get him and take him back down to the half-way house that he was thrown out of last week (for using, I found out), it's only a matter of time before he's back. It's always waiting for the other shoe to drop that's the hardest.

After I dropped him off, I didn't want to go home. I'm so mad with my Dad but I'm blue in the face telling him what he needs to do. It's a waste of my breath and energy. I stopped out to my Mom's gravesite... I thought I might have some sort of revelation or maybe I'd break down and cry, since I've felt like I've been on the verge all day... but, nothing. I am tired, emotionless, depressed and mentally spent... there's no escape.

This Pothole Must be in the South Somewhere...

I love this commercial... her voice is so funny. I don't know who it is though... no one seems to know... sounds like Britney Spears and Reese Witherspoon and Anna Nicole all rolled into one.

Guido In the Making

This was my drivers license back in 1984... when I thought that I was Italian. You can tell by:
1. My tanned mediterranical skintone
2. My perm
3. My hairy chest with shirt open
4. My big fat Italian gold chain (with optional Italian horn (not pictured))
5. My guido mustache

This was the period in my life where I would leave the back of my hair longer so that I could get a kinky-curl perm in the back of it only... or sometimes all over, at which point I would have to round brush blow it out straight or back-comb it to the desired dago effect. It was all the rage... raging Italian-wanna-be gayboy, more like it. What would I have done differently if I had known at the time that I was Hungarian instead of Italian?

It Must Be a Full Moon...

I went back to the Holocaust Museum this morning. Yesterday, when Tom and I went, we had to rush through the back two-thirds since we were rushing to get to the Spy Museum (which turned out to be a little disappointing) before they closed. There's so much information to absorb and, although depressing, the Holocaust Museum is very well done. That period in history is so unbelievable... it's hard to comprehend. And no matter how many times I see it on the History Channel, I still don't get it. Today I got it, and boy did I ever. Already emotionally drained from the three hours I spent in there, my Dad called in the middle of it and, frantic, said my brother got thrown out of the half-way house (probably for doing drugs, although we'll never know the truth), so my Dad went and got him and didn't know what to do with him, so he's at the old house again.

Although it's a toss-up as to whether I want my Dad to tell me or not, it usually ruins my time no matter where I am, but I'd rather know what's going on. Not knowing what he's up to is worse. Knowing his patterns, he's backed into a corner and will try anything to get what he wants, including taking everything out of the old house and selling it, lying to my Dad for money (that he doesn't have at this point) or coming up with his usual schemes. That my Dad got him and took him there has defeated my brother hitting rock bottom again.

So with that, I got on the Metro to the hotel, got in my car and drove home, cutting my trip short. I was supposed to head to Tom's tonight to stay with him a few days and head to Busch Gardens on Saturday with him and his friends. He has been so wonderful during my stay... offering information, taking time off work to hang with me, offering his place to me... he's such a wonderful, caring guy. I should have held onto him tighter when I first met him this past Spring at camp. And I never got to hang out with my friend Sean, which was supposed to be tomorrow night. He also offered a place for me to stay. It's great to have people care about you.

Oh well... Home Sweet (barricaded, rioted, tear-gassed, G-20'd, overbearing-familied) Home.

Up, Up and Away...

Double-click on the pictures to see the larger views... these were all taken from the top of the Washington Monument... 490 feet up, from all four sides...starting with the Jefferson Memorial (and bridge where the plane went down in the ice), then the Lincoln Memorial (with the WWII Memorial in the foreground), then the White House (and the Ellipse) and then the Capitol Building (with the Smithsonian museums on either side of the National Mall grass area). As many time as I have been to D.C., I've never been up in the Washington Monument. It took 40 years to complete... and uses no mortar to hold it together... the carved stones just balance and rest on each other... 90,000 tons of it. I also went through the Spy Museum and the Holocaust Museum... as well as the outside of the White House.

Camera Pictures...

Some of the highlights were the ruby slippers from the Wizard of Oz, Julia Child's kitchen, th Hope Diamond, sections of the Berlin wall (all in the Smithsonian), and pictures of the Jefferson, Washington, and Lincoln Memorials. You can double-click on any picture to view the large version.

Good Thing History Already Happened...

I was dragging this morning from all the walking I did yesterday... so I didn't accomplish as much as I wanted to. Today I did the American and Natural History Museums. I guess the highlights were the Hope Diamond, the Ruby Slippers, Archie Bunker's chair... and Julia Child's kitchen... which is exciting since I just saw Julie and Julia a month ago. Tomorrow I'll be doing the Holocaust and Spy museums.

All That Was Missing Was The Cherry Blossoms...

I had such a great day today. I hit the Washington Monument, Lincoln and Jefferson Memorials... Korean and Vietnam War Memorials... and the FDR Memorial. My friend, Tom, came and took me to Union Station for lunch. The weather was spectacular. With rain due, the botanical gardens, the Spy, Space, Holocaust and Smithsonian Museums are on the agenda for tomorrow as well as the Capitol Building. These pictures are from my phone... better pictures to come when I get home.

Mr. Pezzula Goes to Washington...

I had a really nice ride down to D.C. last night. It only took me 3 and a half hours... it was smooth sailing all the way. Mapquest said it would take 4 and a half. The hotel I'm in won best Marriott in 2007, so they're on the ball here. Today will be a good weather day, so I'm heading to the Mall area to take some monument pictures and walk around. Tomorrow, with a slight chance of rain, I'll probably do one of the museums. I have a few friends down here that I'll see as well.


People think I'm crazy for just picking up and going places. Life is about exploring and the journey. There's so much to see outside of my own back yard. I'm glad I'm the kind of person that does these kinds of things.

After a nice weekend at camp, I'm basically getting back in the car to drive to D.C. tonight... trying to avoid the G-20 chaos in Pittsburgh this week... and do some sightseeing. It's been a while since I've been there. It's pretty sad when Washington D.C. will probably be a safer place to be this week.


I dropped off the deposit for the truck... I'm going away and he's going away, so I actually won't transfer title until the beginning of October.

I Don't Care About The Word 'Apathy'...

There's plenty of good that my depression medication does, but there are also some side affects that make for a pretty non-productive week. One of them is gaining weight... couple that with binge eating a bunch of junk this past week and I can definitely kiss being skinny and sweet goodbye. Add to it a general sense of apathy, no motivation and constantly feeling lethargic and this week pretty much turned out to be a wash. I was able to get myself outside today to walk 6 miles... so at least I have a reason to be tired now.

It's funny with the medication... you don't really notice yourself being more 'happy'... you're just not aware of feeling miserable and things don't bother you as much, like not getting anything accomplished. With no frame of reference (except those around you being able to tolerate you), you have to wonder if the good outweighs the bad or is it just a draw.

Truck Hunting

I've been looking to replace my car with a truck, mainly for work... and I test-drove this Nissan twice now... we're in the middle of going back and forth with pricing... we'll see what happens.

Slightly Raunchy Gay Humor

Fall is in the Air...

I love this weather. The air is so crisp and it just makes you want to snuggle under a blanket. It energizes me. It's one of my most productive time periods. Sadly, it seems like it's the shortest season. Today, my cousin is getting his antique car out of our garage and I can clean up my tools and hang them back on the wall for the season and scrub down the garage. That's pretty much it for landscaping for me this year.

The first weekend in October is the Hickory, PA Apple Butter Festival. Apple pie, pumpkins, kettle corn, funnel cakes and hay rides are some of the highlights... but I like to go to see the inbred country folk... some missing things and some having three of things that other people only have two of... like appendages. It's a virtual carnival freak show in the making.

Next week, with the G-20 summit here (and downtown Pittsburgh practically being shut down (and boarded up in anticipation of the riots), along with the airport and a lot of major highways), it's a good time to get out of town. I'll be heading to D.C. for a few days next Monday. I haven't been sightseeing in some time... I've never been in any of the Smithsonian museums or the Holocaust museum either. I have a few friends down there as well. It should be a fun time.

My brother checked himself into a half-way house the other day. And while we still aren't having anything to do with him, it at least proves my point that when everyone stops doing for him, he will do for himself. I got all of his stuff out of my Dad's house yesterday and will be painting this week there to get it on the market.

From Full of Hope to Full of Nope...

One thing that I didn't tell many people about Mike was his age. He's 24... and although he's in grad school, you can't ignore the 18 years of difference in our ages. Having gone through it with Jesse last year, my concern (although not a problem with Jesse's parents) was my age and how they'd react. When Mike and I have done things and I've asked him if he told his parents where he was, he always said that he didn't tell them since he thought they'd have a problem with it. After the nice date we had a few days ago, I decided that I didn't want to invest any more time into what could be a potential problem or deal-breaker. When backed against the wall tonight at dinner, he thought they would have a problem for sure and I decided that I'm too old to worry about what someone's parents thought about me, so I ended it before it got started. He was a nice kid, but we're definitely on different pages. No big deal.

I don't target younger guys... it seems like the older I get, the younger the guys are that come after me. I am attracted to youth... for the energy (although I can run circles around the young guys I've met)... I'm not ready to sit in front of the TV and give up. I like being active. I find, as I get older, that I'm less likely to put up with someone's crap. I guess that's a good thing, although it probably means that I'll be sitting on a porch swing knitting by myself (or worse, with a cat on my lap) before you know it. Maybe I'll start making jam.

Done at the Marriott for This Season

I finished up the Marriott today. Sadly, I didn't take any before pictures... I always forget. Although it's not that spectacular of an area, it turned out clean looking, considering the budget and constraints that I had to work with.

Ouch...

This is what my body feels like today. Twisted. It's been a while since I've done heavy-duty landscaping... since July, actually. My arms hurt from raking mulch, my back from shoveling it and my shins from trying to dig holes for bushes in what might as well be cement rather than just hard, dense clay. I'm heading back today to transport big rocks from the creek up to the mulch beds and plant about 35 perennials. At least that job will be completed today... and that will probably be about it for the season for me with landscaping. I want to get all the tools cleaned and the garage scrubbed down. I'll be looking for a fun job for the winter season soon... maybe Starbucks or waitering or... circus clown?

Baby Steps...

My brother called today for money for food (yea, right)... and my Dad was strong enough not to give in. We made the changes to his will and inquired about the PFA... which we will have to go downtown to get early next week before a judge. I have to strike while the iron is hot with my Dad. Small steps towards the larger picture.

My date with Mike was great. We watched Duplicity, which is a great movie and two episodes of GLEE. If you're not watching that show, you should... especially you, Julie... it's just like chorus at Montour. Whether you were a choir geek or not, the show is absolutely hilarious and is the next biggest thing on TV. Anyway, can't wait until the next date.

The Approaching Storm...

It appears that things are going to get worse before they get better regarding my brother. Over the weekend while I was gone, my brother conned $300 out of my Dad and another $100 yesterday, promising to give it all back when he got his pay yesterday. As usual, that didn't happen and, on top of that, he lost his job. My Dad came back to the house and I have never seen him so angry before in my life. I'm not sure why he hadn't already strangled Dan, but he wanted to, and still does.

It's hard for me to get sucked into it at this point, not to mention telling my Dad 'I told you so', especially since we'll never see that money again and this keeps happening over and over again as well. I wish I could believe my Dad when he says he's done, but I doubt it, although we are going tomorrow to have my brother removed from my Dad's will and getting a restraining order (PFA), which is a big step for my Dad. I also went and got him a cell phone last night so that he can call me or the police when my brother shows up to harass him (although day one, and he didn't take the phone with him today already). I'm concerned that my Dad will do something to him and my brother wouldn't think twice about pressing charges. Also, that my Dad is going to have a heart attack one of these times, which seems to be inevitable.

With my brother out of a job now, it will only be a matter of days before he will go into withdrawal and start after us again, saying that he learned his lesson and he wants to change, etc... all bullshit. Hopefully my Dad won't fall for it. He will never change. He's like an animal now, barely surviving outside of captivity. Sadly, peace and quiet will only come for everyone around him when Dan is gone.

Tomorrow....

Have special plans this 09/09/09?

The rarity of this Sept. 9 hasn't been lost on the creators of the iPod, who have moved their traditional Tuesday release day to Wednesday to take advantage of the special date. Focus Features is releasing their new film "9," an animated tale about the apocalypse, on the 9th. Not only does the date look good in marketing promotions, but it also represents the last set of repeating, single-digit dates that we'll see for almost a century (until January 1, 2101), or a millennium (mark your calendars for January 1, 3001), depending on how you want to count it.

Though technically there's nothing special about the symmetrical date, some concerned with the history and meaning of numbers ascribe powerful significance to 09/09/09. For cultures in which the number nine is lucky, Sept. 9 is anticipated - while others might see the date as an ominous warning.

Modern numerologists - who operate outside the realm of real science - believe that mystical significance or vibrations can be assigned to each numeral one through nine, and different combinations of the digits produce tangible results in life depending on their application. As the final numeral, the number nine holds special rank. It is associated with forgiveness, compassion and success on the positive side as well as arrogance and self-righteousness on the negative, according to numerologists. Though usually discredited as bogus, numerologists do have a famous predecessor to look to. Pythagoras, the Greek mathematician and father of the famous theorem, is also credited with popularizing numerology in ancient times.

Any grade-schooler could tell you, for example, that the sum of the two-digits resulting from nine multiplied by any other single-digit number will equal nine. So 9x3=27, and 2+7=9.
Multiply nine by any two, three or four-digit number and the sums of those will also break down to nine. For example: 9x62 = 558; 5+5+8=18; 1+8=9. Sept. 9 also happens to be the 252nd day of the year (2 + 5 +2)...

Historically, ancient Chinese emperors associated themselves closely with the number nine, which appeared prominently in architecture and royal dress, often in the form of nine fearsome dragons. The imperial dynasties were so convinced of the power of the number nine that the palace complex at Beijing's Forbidden City is rumored to have been built with 9,999 rooms.
Japanese emperors would have never worn a robe with nine dragons, however.

In Japanese, the word for nine is a homophone for the word for suffering, so the number is considered highly unlucky - second only to four, which sounds like death. Many Japanese will go so far as to avoid room numbers including nine at hotels or hospitals, if the building planners haven't already eliminated them altogether.

Labor Day Weekend...

I had a really nice weekend at camp. It was great to hang out with all my friends, the weather was great, got some work done around the trailer, did some massages and relaxed a bit.

Tonight, I had my second date with Mike. He's very easy to talk to, we have a lot in common and he's very intelligent (not to mention adorable). We went to eat and walked around the South Side Works a bit. Date number 3 on Wednesday.

I have to finish up the Marriott job this week... I'm hoping to have a garage sale at my Dad's this weekend, but I've procrastinated in getting it advertised, so we'll see. I have a few people interested in renting it but we'd rather sell it and move on, so we'll see. I have some painting and cleaning to do and have put that off as well over the summer. Time to get serious. I hope to wrap some of these projects up before looking for some type of fun job for the winter to stay busy.

Day Two...

Went walking today... another beautiful day and another 4+ miles. In a combined total and in regard to my trek across the country to San Francisco, I'd be in Ambridge by now. Life is good. It's about the journey, not the destination.

Things Happen....

It's strange... one of the few weekends that I don't go to camp and go out in Pittsburgh for the first time in a year and I meet someone. People come and go in our lives and I'd like to think it's for a reason. Not having any expectations of the date tonight with Mike, it turned out to be one of the nicest nights I have had in a long time. What is this unfamiliar feeling I'm feeling... hopefulness? What's that?

A Walk in the Park...

Today I decided to run-walk (a technique I use... walk until you see someone coming, then run to make it look like you've been running the whole time, then stop when they pass) to expel some of that anxiety so I went to the Montour Trail. I started walking and before I knew it, I went 4 miles one way and then turned around (despite my telling some people that I would keep on going and not turn back until I hit Fisherman's Wharf)... it wasn't until half-way back that I realized that the markers were 1/2 mile markers, so I really only went 4 miles up and back, rather than the anticipated 8. What a beautiful day though... this is the summer we should have had all summer. Incidentally, that's not me in the picture... my big fat belly knocked him off the path in the first quarter mile.

Hopefully I lost at least 6 pounds today... I'm going to weigh myself... maybe I'll make a sissy first though. All this just in time to get skinny and sweet for my date tonight with Mike.

Just Wanted To Say....

I've been told recently that I live a 'poor me' existence and that this blog is just a way for me to whine about the shit in my life, which seems to be an overwhelming flowing river of it. I know we all have shit in our life. You have to wonder what it's preparing us for. Being able to handle more shit that's coming? An afterlife? Tryouts for that Chinese game show that beats the crap out of you? Sainthood?

I am very fortunate to have such great friends who care and reach out and support. I'd like to think that I have that because I, too, am there in that capacity for my friends. Maybe I'm too wrapped up or bogged down in my own shit and I'm not there as much as I can be? I hope that's not true and that you know that I am here for you as well. All I know is that my capacity to deal and focus is getting less and less as I get older, which is unfortunate since I probably bring on my own problems half of the time. I think we can all relate in how we can be our own worst enemy sometimes.

When I wake up, the first thing that I do is read my friend's blogs (except those of you on facebook)... maybe it's just me, but I want to know what's going on in their lives because I care. For all of you that make it a priority and take the 60 seconds or so out of the 86,400 seconds you have in your day to read my blog, as sappy or silly or stressful as it may be, I am eternally honored and appreciative of your true friendship, let alone those of you that reach out and respond. It makes me feel loved, important and relevant, and I thank you for that.

Shattered Hope

Tonight, my brother went to the horseshoe courts to see my Dad. And although he didn't ask for money, he did arrange a ride to work tomorrow, and for who knows how long, stating it would probably be that way until he got a car. This is a double-edged sword, first abusing my Dad (like he has no choice in whether to do it or not) and making us feel guilty that he doesn't have a way to work and that we should help him with getting a car as well.

After kicking my brother out of the house, putting some things on the back porch and cutting him off from money and our participation in anything, my Dad continues to enable him. Until he is living in a box in the street or has to walk 7 miles to work to keep his job or has to use his own money to live on rather than spending it on drugs, he will never change (which is a fantasy at this point in his addiction any way). By sending this message that we will cave in after a few days is not helping him, it's enabling him to rely on someone else and not do for himself. He claims he has not brushed his teeth in two days despite me putting his toothbrush/paste on the back porch days ago. It falls behind finding drugs on his list of priorities, but is high up on the list of things to make others guilty about. If I put a twenty dollar bill on the porch, he would have been over there in ten minutes.

There isn't any support groups that I can find that don't use the 12 step AA (resign to a higher power/God) philosphy that I can't believe in. I think it would be productive for my Dad to go to one of the meetings to hear other's stories, which are exactly like ours, really. Part of me wants to yell at my Dad for caving (but he hates himself enough already for doing it)... we can never get a clean breaking point from him and not go back to 'helping' him. The other part doesn't have the energy to keep doing this and turns a blind eye to it until it all falls apart again and I have to pick up the pieces again. I'm tired. The only thing that I have to support me is anger.

Kennywood Gone Awry

I rented Adventureland last night... it was filmed solely in Kennywood. Since the film took place in the 80's, they needed a meticulously-kept period park. It was interesting to see the familiar settings and how they changed them a bit for the movie. When I was younger, I always thought it would be great to have a job at Kennywood. Ahhh... not so much

after seeing how much they hated their jobs.