It's Campful

I'm down at camp this weekend for the Terror Ridge Halloween Spectacular.  Thursday night was a shock, since it was around 35 degrees.  I guess I focused on the high for the day and really wasn't expecting it to be that cold and didn't bring any really warm clothes.  We made a fire at the trailer and had a weenus and some s'mores.  Yesterday, I went into town and stopped by the casino for a little bit.  I also bought a tossle cap and gloves at the store.  Last night, they planned a big weenie roast and a huge bonfire.  The plan was to board a hayride, pulled by a big tractor... but when we got on it and started riding around the property, the trailer got two flat tires and we had to disembark and walk down to the bonfire.  I had to wear several layers of clothes... and nothing says sexy like a runny nose and being dressed like the kid in A Christmas Story that fell over and couldn't get up.  Tonight is the Terror Ridge haunted house, which is usually really great... followed by the Halloween dance.  There will be people dressed up like women, freaks and trolls... just another night at gay camp.

We're The Bestest

A study recently released named Pittsburgh as the best place to live in the country.  Based on employment, recreation, pollution, crime, climate and other factors, the city topped many other cities that you'd normally expect to see.  I guess the 'yinzer' mentality didn't factor in.

Leaves Me Alone

Finallygetting a sunny day, I was able to make it to the Marriott today to basically blow the tons of leaves around the parking lot in no certain direction or purpose.  With a persistent wind blowing, it was futile to clear anything off.  If it weren't for the platinum Marriott rewards members (who have been groomed to be the most irrational people alive, with outlandish hoops jumped through by the staff in the hopes of a good customer service score)... who miraculously expect there to be no leaves falling to encumber their royal arrival, I wouldn't even bother doing anything with the leaves until they've all fallen.  I have to go back tomorrow morning and finish the grass cutting... then I will be leaving for gay camp for the Terror Ridge Spectacular Halloween weekend with my friends.  With the whole Jesse relationship and the post-massage business processed, I am expecting to just have a great time with friends.  There's a bonfire planned with some weenus' roasting... and the dance hall is decorated like Area 69... isn't that supposed to be Area 51?  Leave it to the gays.

Closure on the Closing

Other than the freak wind and rain storm that blew through at the start of the closing, it went off without a hitch and we have check in hand.  I have been dreaming about this day for years and, now that it's done, I don't even know what to think.  I'm in shock.  I suppose, at some point, I will be able to process it and it may actually be more emotional for me.  Right now, I'm concentrating on a fun weekend at gay camp for Halloween, leaving on Thursday.  Thanks to everyone for dealing with my anxiety, depression and rants through the process.

Jinx

I hate to jinx myself, but we are finally able to and supposed to close today at 5.  We'll see if it falls apart by then.

Hurry Up and Wait

Lately, I feel like I've been just going through the motions with the majority of things going on, and it was more of the same with my weekend workshop in Philadelphia.  In a state of heightened agitation and lack of focus going into it at the start, I'm not sure if I was just dead-on-balls accurate in my prediction or that I made it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but the experience was more what I expected and less than I had hoped.  Originally leaving on Wednesday, that would have given me some time to spend with my friends out there but, after being jerked around by the closing (or lack thereof), I didn't get there until Friday evening.  I was supposed to be staying with a friend outside of the city, but decided to get a room downtown, which proved to be a good thing, being around the corner from the class and not having to worry about taking the train into town each day, reducing the stress of logistics.

The class was the same exact class that I attended last December.  The instructor was different and of course the participants were as well, but otherwise, pretty much the same thing.  I think that I thought that taking the workshop (supposedly) right after the closing would have given me some clarity and focus... but it didn't do any of that, since I was pretty much in my head the whole time rather than in my body.  Taking it the second time was interesting... I already knew what was coming so the element of innocence and nervous energy from surprise was absent... which kind of made me live through the experiences of the people around me in their first-time experience.  This isn't entirely bad since I would like to become an assistant in future classes, now that I have the two-time requirement filled.  The bad thing is that my experience was limited to what I would allow myself to feel, and I've done such a great job of blocking most feeling lately.  I was consumed with the anxiety of wanting the class to come to an end so I could get out of there and get back here, thinking that I'd be making progress and moving forward (lol)...... (lol)............(lolololololololol).

The workshop took place Saturday and Sunday from 9 am until 7pm.  I went back to my friend Eddie's house to get my truck around 8pm last night and was looking forward to my therapy... getting into the truck and hitting the open road.  I was supposed to stay overnight, but I was so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted... as well as claustrophobic and overstimulated... that I just needed to get out of there and spend some time alone.  By the time I got gas and something to eat, it was 10 pm... it was a beautiful, clear night for driving and I shaved about an hour off my travel time by driving at night.  I got in around 2:30 am.

I have calls in to my agent, the buyer's agent and the banker... and still haven't heard anything so far that remotely sounds like a closing.  It's pouring down rain, so the Marriott is out, so I not only stuck around and cut my trip short on the front end, but I uneccessarily rushed back to nothing here.  I really need to move forward from this.  My knees are ready to buckle from standing in one place so long.  I need some comfort food.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

I had a great drive today... plenty of sun, turning leaves, no traffic... after living here for 12 years, it's always good to be back.  About 125 miles ouside of Pittsburgh, I looked in my rearview mirror and coming up behind me were my two friends, Dan and Mike.  What are the odds?  We chatted a little on the way... we may be planning a joint vacation to Ft. Lauderdale in a few weeks.

Tomorrow is the workshop, and I feel like I was able to forget about everything going on back home, proving the slogan "what happens in Pittsburgh stays in Pittsburgh... and I'm looking forward to the class.  The pics are of the turnpike, almost getting into Center City Philadelphia and the view from Eddie's hi-rise window right on the park in Cherry Hill, NJ.

On the Road

To spite myself, I left for Philadelphia this morning and figured the 6 hour drive would clear my mind and provide an outlet for my anger with some good old fashioned road rage. Look out turnpike drivers, here I come .

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Barely Moving Along

Today was another day of sitting by the phone waiting for the closing to happen and another day I didn't leave for Philly.  At this point, I'm so disgusted that I don't even want to go to my workshop.  I couldn't possibly focus on anything and, it being an interactive workshop, I don't want to be around anyone right now.  I'd lose the $300, but I'm really close to cancelling the trip altogether.  I know I have this trip, then camp next weekend... but I REALLY need to get away somewhere where there isn't anyone... like the desert... or the moon.

Moving Along

Turned out to be a nice day for grass cutting yesterday, although it didn't start out that way.  With the frost we had last night, looks like I'll be doing the Fall clean-up soon since everything will be dead. 

I was supposed to be leaving for Philadelphia today, but after three calls into my real estate agent/friend, I am totally in the dark as far as when the closing will be still.  I'm hoping that it happens tomorrow morning, then I can head out afterwards.  I don't want to delay it until I come back.  I'm getting really angry.  I absolutely have to be out there Friday night for my Saturday morning workshop, so I have some time... I just wanted to visit with my friends while I'm there.

I had a date last night with a very nice Italian guy that I met through friends over the weekend.  His name is Guiseppe, he's 28 and runs a country club... has his own house, a car and a cat... seems very responsible... not to mention adorable, smart and we have a lot in common.  Wait... could there actually be someone decent out there?  I'm looking forward to our next date, probably not until I get back from my trip.

Leaves and Leaving

I spent the day blowing leaves around the parking lot.  Splitting it in half, I blew one side out and by the time I got to the other side, the wind picked up and blew them all over what I had just done, so I had to blow the other half over top of what I had just done.  8 hours of blowing leaves.  I didn't even get to cut any grass, so that's what I'll be doing tomorrow.  They are having a corporate visitor come in on Wednesday, so I'll have to probably stop by early Wednesday to blow off more leaves.  5 minutes after I do it, more fall and it doesn't look like I've done anything.  I don't think I've ever wished for everything to die and the trees to get bare so much in my life. 

I stopped by my Dad's house last night.  The prospective buyers were there fulfilling the requirements of their FHA loan by painting some things that had chipped paint.  They pretty much painted both porches (one cement, one wood deck) the stairs and the entire foundation of the house.  They also tore down the lattice around the deck, put a railing up in the dining room and some other things.  Meanwhile, we haven't had the closing yet.  And while that's a little alarming, they better crack open their piggy banks to make the deal go through now that they did all that... I don't want it back (who paints a foundation white anyway?).  I stayed there an hour and I was so glad that I did.  They were a really nice young couple and they LOVE the house and everything about it... the fact that's it's older... the wood floors... the yard... the lilac trees.  I feel so much more at ease that I know they can't wait to get in there once and for all... and that they appreciate the property and the house.  My Dad was excited as well.  It will make the transition easier for us, emotionally, than if we sold it to someone who wanted to tear the place down and build a McMansion.  They are pushing for a Wednesday or Thursday morning closing, but nothing is set yet.  I will be leaving for Philly right afterwards for my class over the weekend.

I'm Featuring You, John Gray

I've told the story of how and why I started this blog a few times now... and January will start the third year for me.  "I'm Featuring You" is a segment where I get to shine the spotlight on my friends.  A month or so after I began this blog (Feb, '09), I started getting comments from a guy named John... and from his comments, I put two and two together that he was British. I also found out that while a spinal injury nurse, he did a stint at a Pittsburgh facility years ago.  I suppose that's how he came across my blog... with a connection to Pittsburgh.  This post will mark his 500th visit to my website... and marks the continuation of a great long-distance friendship with someone that I've never met, but has been so integral in my progress in his comments, advice and words of encouragement.

John, and his partner Chris, moved from a small English town called Sheffield (which is an official sister city to Pittsburgh) to their current location of Trelawynd, North Wales (just off the Irish Sea).  They have a quaint little cottage that they share with a gaggle of animals, including dogs and cats and every type of foul that you can imagine... turkeys, guinea fowl, chickens, quail, ducks and others I've never heard of before... for a 90+ total, all named... most after famous people (early on, before I realized that he named his birds after famous people (from his penchant for disaster and old films), one of the birds had died, and I thought it was the real person... I was in shock).  You see, along with being a part-time nurse, he is a farmer... breeding, hatching and raising all kinds of foul... and growing his own food at an allotment that he runs for his town.  His partner, Chris, has a PhD and is a reasearch fellow (like a professor) in University and travels a great deal...it's the modern-day Green Acres, of sorts.  His day starts out with walking the dogs down the country lane... then feeding the birds and collecting eggs, then heading to the post to pick up the mail and deliver some eggs and maybe get a scone from the towns-people... and finally... maybe there's a minute or so for him to catch an old movie at the theater a few towns away or keep up with his blog Going Gently (which he has been doing for years now and has over 100,000 page views from visitors in 30 countries), AND... keep up with 30+ blogs of his friends.  I have spent not quite two years getting attached to his animals, in wild anticipation every day to see whats going on in the bird yard.  His life is a testament to times past where things were simpler and hard work was something you just did and didn't complain about.

I am very fortunate that he has stumbled into my life.  He offers encouragement and support that is matched by my life-long friends and offers a perspective that is both honest and to the point... often times keeping me in check and tirelessly returning daily marking the importance of my life, as I do with his.  I admire the work that he puts into his family and into his life, and who he is as a person... caring, kind, genuine... all with an innocent humor.  I thank him for not running away... and appreciate the security I feel with him being there day after day, even some 3,500 miles away.  Perhaps some day we'll meet.

Xmas in the Woods

Today, Julie and her daughter Kayleigh, Matt and I went to Shaker Woods for the Xmas in the Woods Festival.  With all different vendors (geared more towards Xmas), it made for a fun shopping day out... and we got to eat some great food again.  It was the perfect weather day as well.

Massage Revisited

My friend Elaine goes to a day spa near here.  Last week, there was some sort of problem with the massage therapist needing off for today and the owner had a 4 person group coming in and two others.  I know the owner, so I volunteered to help her out today for 8 hours.

The last massage I have done was back over July 4th weekend.  The last woman I massaged was probably 6 years ago, so I was a little nervous.  At gay camp, being a clothing-optional resort, guys usually just come in an plop down on the table and their one-eyed monster stares at me the whole time.  I never used to allow anyone to lie there naked at my day spa, always requiring them to be covered, but I can tell you, it's a whole hell of a lot easier and the massage goes more smoothly as well.  With all the draping and blankets and long hair and titty, most of my exhaustion from the 6 massages today was just the acrobatics in being able to find the skin to massage.  And oddly, women can endure much more pain than men can, so the massages are usually deeper.  I guess carrying a 20 lb kid in one arm and a big fat purse in the other makes you pretty knotted up.  Sadly, women don't get as good a massage as men do, at least from the standpoint of flow and entire body movements.

I was dreading the day because of all that and partially because of trying to find an outfit to wear.  At camp, I could practically wear a bathing suit if I wanted... here, I had to be more professional.  I felt like I was working the Lido deck on a cruise ship.  She received great feedback from my massages and invited me to come do more, if I wanted.  I made about 25% less than I usually would have working for a day spa.  If she gets in a bind, I may help her out.  Otherwise, I will continue to work on getting my own place in the future.  It was good to do some again... I am totally exhausted.

I am taking the workshop that I took last December again next weekend.  With all that's been going on, I figured it would be a good clearing of my head.  See:  Class: Day One and Class: Day Two.  It will be interesting to take it again, with some knowledge of what's going to happen this time.  The instructor this time is supposed to be more whimsical and fun.

Ray of Light.

I found out this afternoon that the buyers got the commitment from their bank.  There has to be one or two things painted tomorrow by the buyers to satisfy the loan requirements and the appraiser has to check them and then I think we will have our closing, hopefully by mid-week, before I head to Philadelphia for a workshop next weekend.  This is great news.  Sadly, it comes on the heels of finding out that the student loans that my Dad co-signed for my nephew ($60k worth) will be calling the two of them into court next month and will probably garnish their wages (my Dad's pension). 

Gambling

Maybe you hit for a small prize, so you continue to sit there, trying to be patient... continuously putting more resources in... getting your hopes up... thinking of what a win can do for you... what it would feel like to have some breathing room.  All joy and recollection of the process is lost, replaced by the focus of the win.  You get a feeling that you're close.  Irrationally, you start putting in more resources, thinking that, with a success right on the verge, it'll make the payoff even that more great.  You want to believe in the odds, and that the system won't screw you every time.  The next thing you know, your resources are drained and you realize you've been betrayed.  You feel empty, foolish, then angry, and yet... you go back for more, and the cycle starts again.  You want to believe.  You need to believe.  You need the relief.

I suppose the previous analogy could be about gambling, but it's the cycle that I go through with my brother in his continuous and never-ending path to getting his shit together.  45 going on 14, the possibility of him ever living on his own is improbable.  He's never had to and everyone has always done for him, or picked him up.  Mentally, he's a child.  So many actions/reactions are missing either out of lack of experience, some sort of coping mechanism or a side-effect of the drug use.  The only fight that he has is to do whatever he can to get his next fix.  When he does get a job and sticks with it, the money that he earns is his worst enemy, because shortly after that, it all falls apart again.

I'm not looking to repair him and the only win that I am looking for is the relief from the craziness,  never knowing when everything is going to fall apart again.  I'm always on the defensive, not able to trust...  always having to put myself in the conniving mind, a place that makes me doubt goodness and a place that I don't want to be...  always around lies... always around and having to resort to screaming.  It makes me angry.  It challenges my patience, frustration level and judgement.

What you can't understand is the craziness if you've never been through it.  It's easy to give the advice to just walk away.  There's no where to go.  He's always there, relentless.  It will never stop, until one of us dies.  I suppose I could move my Dad far away where my brother wouldn't find us or have the resources to show up, but the few things that my Dad does have are here.  I've changed the phone numbers, only for him to find a way to get it.   I've gone to great lengths to protect my Dad's finances, but he always finds a way in.  Abandoning my Dad to deal with the monster that he created is another option to save myself, but I'd just be adding guilt to my list of things I'm dealing with.

My jackpot is peace and quiet.  The odds are against that.

Blah

This morning, against my better judgement, I was supposed to take my brother downtown to take care of some benefits paperwork.  After calling him at 8 and telling him that I'd be down in an hour, I got there and he didn't answer his phone or the door, so I left.  I went to the gym and didn't hear from him for 12 hours.  I'm done.  He just proved my point that you can't help someone who can't/don't want to help themselves.

My Dad is doing well.  He got his catheter out today and is doing fine. 

The closing on the house has been post-poned again.  I don't have any idea when the closing will be... as far as I know, they don't even have a comittment from the bank yet. 

Today was not a good day. 

Relating

When I'm visually focusing on something, it takes my mind off things and keeps my mind occupied.  I find the best way for me to get through is from point to point.  And while you'd think I was talking about getting through the roadblocks that occur, it's more the down-time that I am trying to get through.  Me and my mind alone are not a good combination.  Most people look for the down-time in between situations to cope... I think I look for the situations rather than the down-time because I am trained to solve problems, and it's easy for me.  The problem with that is that there's always something going on, naturally-occuring or self-perpetuated, and that's not good.  I have admitted that I watch too much TV.  It's one of the things that keeps my mind focused.  When the TV goes off, panic sets in.  The same goes with movies for me.  At least for an hour and a half, I'm not driving myself crazy.  The casino does the same and, recently, I have discovered Acrostics.  They are crossword puzzles.  With a series of questions, you fill in the blanks with the answer, and each letter then gets plugged into the puzzle grid by a number assigned to the letter.  The result is a quote from someone.  It's a two-way puzzle, meaning even if you don't know the answer to the question, you can back-fill the answers from words that are formed in the quote. It's very mind consuming.

This TV season, it seems like the shows that are doing the best are shows that the people can relate to.  Raising Hope, Mike and Molly, Glee and Hawaii 5-0 are among some of the better shows this year.  H 5-0 seems to have all the things necessary to make a great show... beautiful scenery, action/drama/adventure and two hot, young stars with a great comraderie reminicent of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon legacy.  It's funny and entertaining.

Tids And Bits

I'm not feeling very verbal today... I spoke (if you want to call it that) to my nephew today, who wanted me to offer payoffs on the three student loans that he roped my Dad into co-signing... so that the creditors would stop calling him.  You kind of have to know the back-story on all of that to be able to understand how much I wanted to reach into the phone and strangle him, so let's just say that the call didn't go that well.  Since he and my brother basically screwed my Dad's credit, I'm in no hurry to intervene with making payments that he's not making, especially when they aren't bugging us about it right now.  After that, I had to listen to my brother begging for money... again, backstory needed. 

My Dad went in for his surgery and is home doing well.  It will be great for him not have to get up 6 or 7 times a night to head for the bathroom.  Hopefully, he'll get a good night's sleep going forward... especially not having to get up to pick up my brother at the job that he lost.

I find myself walking around like a time bomb lately... between all those situations, what's happening with the gay teens and all the politics crap, I am very ready to take off on a month long trip... or find a good rock to climb under and hide.  Working out is providing some outlet for my anger, but I can feel myself getting ready to snap.

Let the Gaybirds Fly Free

Monday is National Coming Out Day.  With the recent gay teen suicides that have made the cover of magazines and headlines of the news, there's a lot more awareness to the growing problem, which is a good thing.  Teaching and perpetuating stereotypes to the point that someone has to take or lose their lives should not be.  I've had my share of bullying in the past but, knock on wood, never had any real problems with anyone with my being gay.  Obviously, I'm not walking down the street in a taffetta evening gown with spaghetti straps and rouching with matching peep-toe heels and handbag, but I also don't hide who I am either.  I am thankful for the people in my life that let me be me and want to be a part of it.  I am very fortunate.

Everyone says there's a 'gay agenda'... I can assure you that we're not out to overturn the bond of marriage... or recruit young people into the 'lifestyle', as people put it.  What we are pushing towards is just what everyone else has...the right to live our lives just as we are without having our lives put at risk.  And while we've made strides in obtaining equality and our basic civil rights, there's still much to be done:

Autumnfest

For one reason or another, we ended up with only a dozen people today for the Autumnfest.  It was around 80 degrees and sunny and compared to last year when it was snowing and 25 degrees, it was a very pleasant day.  And because of the weather, they had a lot more set up outside like a petting zoo, hay bale maze and hay ride, luge, outside vendors and a band.

10/10/10

Today's date supposedly only happens once every huge amount of years... and oddly, this month (Oct) has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays, which only happens every 823 years, or something like that.  Where will you be at 10:10 and 10 seconds on 10/10/10? (This post sponsored by David's useless facts and tidbits)

Serenity

Over the last couple of days with the weather being so great, I have been partaking in some local park napping in between running errands.  There's a cool breeze blowing the turning leaves on the trees and the with the sun peaking through the trees and the 80 degrees temperature... it's a perfect time to clear my head, kick my shoes off and stick my feet out the window and recline and listen to the chirping birds.  Other than a stray Stink Bug flying in the window, it's a perfect half hour break. 

I made it to the gym today for my third workout, second on upper body.  It felt so good to work through the pain that I've been feeling in the aftermath of my first two workouts.  The day spa that my friend Elaine goes to ran short on a massage therapist for an important wedding party booking, so I will be helping them out with that next Saturday.  Since generally the people in my massages are guys and nude (gay camp), it will be interesting to do a massage on a woman again, using full draping.  Just like with a doctor, it's no big deal having someone nude on my table... in fact, it makes the whole thing flow better.  Tomorrow, about 15 of us are off to the Autumnfest celebration... with another perfect weather day in store.  German bratwurst, apple dumplings and cheap drinks in the ski lodge are in my near future.

Between a Rock... and Crawling Under One

I hate to keep posting stuff under the heading 'progress', but that seems like getting small things done towards a more peaceful tomorrow is all I have been doing.  And however much, it never seems like I am making any headway.

With the recent occurances of my Dad giving my brother more money, I decided to step up my game in the war against terrorism (i.e., my brother).  This past week, my brother waited until I left the house and proceeded to start to call my Dad's cell phone number every two minutes for about 14 times.  When my Dad turned it off, he then proceeded to call the house for about the same amount of times.  Then he showed up at the door.  When that whole episode passed, a few days later, despite me telling my Dad not to give him any more money, my brother lied and pretended that he was on the phone with me and that I said it was ok to give it to him.  Instead of checking with me, My Dad just took his word for it and went and got the money.  I used to be able to tell my Dad that, because we have a joint account, that he couldn't go to the teller and get money out without me... but he found out that that wasn't true and has been going around me, mainly because he doesn't want to bother me with it and feels like he created the monster that is my brother.  With his pension check going into the account and all sorts of bill auto-pays coming out, it was hard for me to figure a way to keep him from getting at the money, especially with the pension check having to be deposited into an account with his name on it.  Yesterday, I set up a trust account at my bank, where his check goes in and the proceeds from the house will go in, but he can't take any of it out any way... only I can.  I have set up another account where my Dad will have an ATM card where I will put $10-20 in via internet, and that's it.  Once my brother realizes that my Dad has no control over his money, he will have no use for him.  And he doesn't dare call me, because he knows better.

Unless you have been through this stuff, you can't imagine what it feels like to be under constant attack.  The worse part is not hearing from my brother for a couple of days, since you don't know what he's up to.  My brother is a master at lying, badgering and coming up with some situation that pins you to the wall and you have to question if he's actually telling you the truth... and by not helping him, are you hurting his recovery?  Because he has no sense of remorse, I think he can just forget about all that he has done to us, which accounts for the balls that he has to keep coming back.  My Dad, being the good man that he is, holds on to the idea that he will somehow rehabilitate and turn himself around, but that will never happen.  Peace to any party involved will not come until one of them passes away, and that's pretty sad.

For me, the stress of dealing with my brother and Dad, and actually my nephew as well (since I found out that he tricked my Dad into co-signing for 3 school loans and one line of credit, and isn't paying on any of them), brings on a myriad of emotions... anger, frustration, disappointment, anxiety... and I am really hoping that the recent fixes to the problem (phone number change, bank accounts) will provide some sort of peace, because I never signed up for this.  One of the hardest emotions to deal with is the overwhelming guilt that I feel... when I want forget about protecting my Dad and move very far away from here and live my life.  That makes me a bad person... to abandon my Dad... but my Dad is the one that I need to protect him from (i.e., himself)... and I'm not sure I can actually do that no matter how much I try.  When our lease is up in May, I will have to seriously think about setting my Dad up in his own situation and get my own place.

YUM !! (As Spectacular as the Weather)

OOOOWWWWWWW !

There's not a muscle in my body that doesn't ache... and 8 hours getting caught up at the Marriott didn't  help.  I'm glad that I started working out, but it was a bad week... problem is, there's never a good week.

Like a Lover's Hand on Your Cheek...

Only taking short breaks in between building my ark, it seems like it's been raining forever. And while I'm happy that the ground is getting watered, I was over it. What a treat to wake up with the sun on my face...