Hurry Up and Wait

Lately, I feel like I've been just going through the motions with the majority of things going on, and it was more of the same with my weekend workshop in Philadelphia.  In a state of heightened agitation and lack of focus going into it at the start, I'm not sure if I was just dead-on-balls accurate in my prediction or that I made it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but the experience was more what I expected and less than I had hoped.  Originally leaving on Wednesday, that would have given me some time to spend with my friends out there but, after being jerked around by the closing (or lack thereof), I didn't get there until Friday evening.  I was supposed to be staying with a friend outside of the city, but decided to get a room downtown, which proved to be a good thing, being around the corner from the class and not having to worry about taking the train into town each day, reducing the stress of logistics.

The class was the same exact class that I attended last December.  The instructor was different and of course the participants were as well, but otherwise, pretty much the same thing.  I think that I thought that taking the workshop (supposedly) right after the closing would have given me some clarity and focus... but it didn't do any of that, since I was pretty much in my head the whole time rather than in my body.  Taking it the second time was interesting... I already knew what was coming so the element of innocence and nervous energy from surprise was absent... which kind of made me live through the experiences of the people around me in their first-time experience.  This isn't entirely bad since I would like to become an assistant in future classes, now that I have the two-time requirement filled.  The bad thing is that my experience was limited to what I would allow myself to feel, and I've done such a great job of blocking most feeling lately.  I was consumed with the anxiety of wanting the class to come to an end so I could get out of there and get back here, thinking that I'd be making progress and moving forward (lol)...... (lol)............(lolololololololol).

The workshop took place Saturday and Sunday from 9 am until 7pm.  I went back to my friend Eddie's house to get my truck around 8pm last night and was looking forward to my therapy... getting into the truck and hitting the open road.  I was supposed to stay overnight, but I was so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted... as well as claustrophobic and overstimulated... that I just needed to get out of there and spend some time alone.  By the time I got gas and something to eat, it was 10 pm... it was a beautiful, clear night for driving and I shaved about an hour off my travel time by driving at night.  I got in around 2:30 am.

I have calls in to my agent, the buyer's agent and the banker... and still haven't heard anything so far that remotely sounds like a closing.  It's pouring down rain, so the Marriott is out, so I not only stuck around and cut my trip short on the front end, but I uneccessarily rushed back to nothing here.  I really need to move forward from this.  My knees are ready to buckle from standing in one place so long.  I need some comfort food.