I've been on the go so much over the last couple of months and this past weekend, I attended another Body Electric workshop in Philadelphia... currently at four times attending now. I blogged about my experiences the other three times, so I'm not going to go into a play-by-play of my experience this time around but, rather, a few other observations.
The first time I took the class, I was a newbie participant, full of anxiety and apprehension as to what the workshop entailed. I had a little insight my second time I was a participant (after already having gone through it), so my perspective was a little skewed knowing what was going to happen and when . With so much of my personal anxiety gone, I found myself living vicariously through the other participants who weren't aware of what was coming. The third time was a live-in situation where the entire workshop was held at a huge mansion where we stayed there the whole weekend. The other difference was that I was an assistant for the first time, helping with the setup and logistics of the whole weekend. This also meant that for the major exercises, we assistants may or may not be needed (depending on the total number of participants), which resulted in a feeling of being half in and out, having only done some of the exercises. In one instance, we were involved emotionally as if we were a participant and the next, we were attending to some task. This most recent workshop, with my back still screwed up, I wasn't involved in any of the major lessons, so I had a true 'assisting' experience, mostly being there for the group and not myself.
Before I went into the massage business, I had to seriously think about whether I, a bundle of nervous energy, could actually calm a client down in a massage instead of filling them full of my anxiety. Low and behold, I proved that I could, but that concern raised itself again this past weekend in regards to my dealing with the other participants. With the many things that are going on right now in my life, I am particularly full of anxiety and nervous energy. I also felt that I wasn't up for being prodded emotionally, mentally and physically going into the weekend, but I quickly settled down and gained some center and focus when I got there.
My friends in Body Electric live their lives in a somewhat calm state... they are constantly taking workshops to better themselves and they speak in a low, slow, calm voice. "I invite you to..." is usually how they start a sentence... and they rarely speak without taking a moment to collect their thoughts. And while I admire them, this is not me... not by a long shot. I rarely think about what I want to say... it just comes out and, oddly, I rarely ever take something back I said. I am usually blunt and don't hold back, so this makes me feel like an outsider in the staff circle. Also, I am comfortable in the life that I live, almost to the point that I remove uncomfortable situations from even being a possibility. A good example of this might be my baseball cap. While I have hair, I wear my hat all the time and don't go into a situation where I can't, except for a funeral or a wedding. At some point, I have to realize that not putting myself in an uncomfortable situation greatly hinders my life experience. With all of them being vegans, I was again on the outside when we went out to eat. And while these aren't all that important, I started to question whether I was totally out of my 'league' and whether I could add to the workshop experience. Fortunately, while my demeanor isn't like everyone else's, I was able to connect with several people using my intuition and caring, which validates my efforts. A gift is a present, no matter what packaging or bow you use.
Several things came out of this weekend... first, I realized that while I am different, we all have our ways of reaching out and effecting people's lives. Secondly, I am no where near where I need to be at either having my body where I want it or being ok where it's at, and that's something that I need to get off the fence about. Next, I realize that if I'm going to continue to invest in myself with these self-help workshops, I need to move on to the next step to challenge myself to change. Four times doing the same class isn't exactly pushing me in any direction. Lastly, I realize that, no, I'm not there yet, and don't think that I ever will be. Life is a constant flux of change and acceptance, and finding a middle-ground may be a better goal than looking for some end result. I'm a work in progress... little by little.
