I haven't posted in a while. With wrapping up my landscaping season and then going away for a week to Vegas with Scott... then having a disc problem that rendered my useless for several days in excrutiating pain... I'm finally getting back on track again. With the physical limitations and problems, I'm going lightly, which is the total opposite of what I need to do for my mental state of being right now. With the holidays right on top of me, weighing me down emotionally like a sack of flour... winter right in the midst and not working much, this is prime time for my mental state to go haywire with depression and the ever-popular self-loathing.
I had plans on coming back from the trip and jumping into losing weight and working out like I did last January. Although not as bad as last year, I did gain some weight back, mainly from stress eating over the last couple of months, and I need to get back into it again, if not for just to have a focus for the next couple of months to keep my mind off things. I don't feel healthy. I feel horrible, actually... but the vicious circle of stress eating has a hold on me. I feel like crap about how I look, so I eat more food in comfort. It never ends.
I guess reasons to stop are obvious... but reasons to start aren't always that clear. I don't like the empty attention that I get when I work out... and don't have anyone to work out for if I did like the attention... so that just adds to my shame spiral. Apathy... pure and simple. I don't care about too much of anything right now.
Would that we all could have the simple clarity some seem to have. Although I've never achieved what you have, I know the pain and struggle with food, working out, weight and drive. For what it's worth, and I offer this as a compliment and not as anything illicit: I think you are a beautiful man and I wish for you peace with who you are, however you are, now and always.
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