I Am Not Confident I Am Co-Dependent

It was pointed out to me that despite spewing my 10+ reasons for holding people at arms-length, I really didn't go into the deeper internal conflict process that goes on once I let someone get closer... those being lack of confidence and the often-surfacing co-dependency.

There's a pattern throughout my life of being attracted to people who are messed up or just plain need me.  I suppose some of it can be dismissed as just wanting to be around people who feel something... who have experienced things or are sub-surficular (see Davidisms 101).  I guess everyone wants to be needed, but when problems spawn that are not beneficial to either party, that's when there's a real problem.  Further, injecting yourself into someone else's life or trying to solve their problems are also signs of a bad situation, although I don't display those.  Being a problem-solving, compassionate leader doesn't make it any easier right out of the gate since I'm prone to jump in and help.  I'm hard-wired for it. 

There have been times when I have come across people who have their shit together and I have not felt needed and, as a result, not been able to form a connection with them.  Sadly, the one who bears the brunt of that is me, walking away from what could have been a perfectly normal relationship.  I mean, God forbid I feel like I deserve a bit of happiness or something actually working out.  I am getting better at recognizing this behavior though and controlling it.

The other issue is lack of self-esteem.  I know that I am a good person... caring, compassionate, honest, trustworthy, responsible, etc... but my fear of showing people who I really am usually derails the situation, not letting people get close or pulling a mad dash before they do, I suppose, although that has never happened.  How conflicting, complex or moody I can be is something that I feel will push people away but it doesn't seem to.  Maybe it makes me feel bad about myself that what I try to hide is all I see in myself.  It may be hard to understand me hiding anything when I have a blog where I have diarrhea of the mouth concerning every action, event and thought in my head.  But I think it's the emotional side that I hold back, always trying to be strong and not showing weakness.  Secretly, I want to be able to let go... to rely on someone else... to count on them... to relent.  Easier said than done.