... thump (Here We Go Again)

I've been wrapping up some loose ends over the last couple of days before I leave for my trip.  I've experienced quite a peaceful calm lately being able to tie up some loose ends, taking in the crisp winter air and light snow and looking forward to the warmth and sunshine of Florida on Sunday.  I've coined a phrase in the past;  "find security in insecurity", for when you reach that state of mind, you will be able to handle anything that comes your way.  To that end, calmness is an environment I become very uncomfortable within.  'Waiting for the other shoe to drop', unfortunately, is a byproduct of that calm, possibly in conjunction with my realistic or logical thinking process (I won't go as far as to say pessimistic because when I do think pessimistically, it usually materializes as I suspected it would, which then makes it realistic again).

Despite my own personal progress of my 'To Do' list and internal thought processes, I am saddled with my family's lack thereof.  With one call today from my brother, who has been released from rehab, everything is turned upside down already.  Sanity, money, schedule, quiet and peace are all compromised in a split second.  Blood pressures shoot up, tempers flare and voices magnify... just when you let your guard down.  Everything becomes an argument and a negotiation and trust goes out the window;  trust in my brother and in my Dad.  Because no matter how many times I explain it to my Dad, he never gets it.  He doesn't understand that every single thing that he does for my brother only hurts him, by him not learning to do for himself, still, after 45 years.

Sadly, until my brother is living under a bridge and he's cold, wet, broke, hungry and dirty will he ever stop and think how good he's had it and what he needs to do to get himself out of his predicament.  He's a 45 year old infant, and my Dad is still holding his two hands over his head, not allowing him to walk by himself, holding him up.  With bouts in and out of jail 4 or 5 times and in rehab about the same, he has still never learned because my Dad is always there to keep him from hitting bottom.  Unfortunately, he has screwed over every person that has ever invested time or money into him including employers and friends, so he has no one to fall back on.  And while my Dad keeps telling my brother that he's done and he's not doing anything for him, he always gives in and does it, then doesn't understand why my brother doesn't listen when he says he's not doing it any more.  My brother knows that all he has to do is bug my Dad enough (calling 15 times in a row in ten minutes) and he'll do it.  My Dad doesn't get the message that he sends to my brother is "no matter what I say, I'll do the opposite anyway".  I have moved my Dad out of the only home he has known, taken all his money so he can't get to it and feed $10 at a time onto his ATM card, changed his phone numbers twice and moved him in with me and still, my brother gets to him.  You would think that my brother would have some sort of remorse for ruining someones life, especially a parent, but he could care less.

The rehab place found him a job down the highway from here.  He of course thinks that my Dad is going to take him back and forth.  Sadly for every taxpayer, he is eligible for every free service including schooling, food stamps and welfare money, free bus passes and free food from the food bank, but is too lazy to utilize the services because they are an inconvenience or it's beneath him to ride a bus.  And as long as my Dad carts him around, why should he?  I paid for his apartment last month and he went into rehab on the 12th, so I'm not sure if his roommates will let him come back there or not. 

Although I know that technically it doesn't concern me, it technically does.  With me leaving in two days, my peaceful vacation is shot because all I will be thinking about is if my Dad is letting him sleep in our house... and if he's stealing anything... or what he's up to or has my Dad dropped over dead yet from all of this.  My Dad is the weak link in the fortress that I've built, and although I've protected my Dad's money, it's my peace and quiet and sense of stability that I want to protect... which is what may push me to move out come the end of our lease year in May.  I'm going to have a frank conversation with my Dad and possibly try some therapy with someone experienced in the devastation that an addict causes to those around them.  My Dad may want to live like this and/or thrive in this environment but I don't.

For those of you that have dealt with this in your life, you know how devastating it is to deal with both as an external conflict and what it does to you internally...the nasty, bitter person that it makes you... full of rage and hate, and that it never will end until they're gone.  For those of you who haven't, you have no idea.