Swill

My friend, Michael, said something interesting to me the other day when we were talking about some of the things going on with each other.  Having some resounding issues in both our lives, we have grown close lately after just being coincidental friends for the last year or so.  I shared Body Electric with him and he subsequently went to the workshop, so we were sharing our experiences.  We also were discussing my eating and body issues, which popped up early in my trip to Florida last week, and we've already had conversations about our upbringings and depression.  Although I've heard this before, he said that when he first started to get to know me, that he never would have thought I was dealing with any of those issues by the way that I carry myself.  He also said that he didn't expect me to be so deep in my thoughts, and I've heard that before as well.  In fact, my ex Scott, before he met me, used to call me 'Duh'.  I guess I have a blank look on my face in a bar... maybe because I'd rather be anywhere else but?

It's kind of hard to believe, but before the blog, I never really discussed my issues that much.  I mean, I've always had diarreah of the mouth, but I did hold most things in.  Even with the blog, I'm not soliciting help or concern, although that does come and I am appreciative.  The blog was started for me to vent, after all... not as a cry for help.  Still, I think that since I feel like I'm such a mess, I try to hide it from people, afraid that if they really knew me, they'd be scared and wouldn't stick around.  The odd part is through the blog, I think I highlight my quirks, pushing them out front... so if someone's still around, they've read the fine print.  I think that I also hide it because the people that rely on me don't take the time to ask, let alone listen, and I keep a brave face for them.  My dog and my Dad were always my reasons for hanging in there when it got dark. 

An odd thing happens with people that meet me.  I think they are originally interested that I am my own person and think the way I do, but they quickly try to change (or 'fix') me, and that's not letting me be me at all.  Kind of like having a slightly flat bottle of wine and adding a little 7-Up to bring it back to life, then spitting the swill out because now it tastes horrible.  I guess that's me... a flat glass of dark wine, instead of a fizzy glass of Sangria.  When you swirl wine in a glass, the 'legs' (streaks) indicate the strength of the wine and the quality of the grapes.  Don't swirl me... you may be disappointed when you break the glass.