Man's Desiring

There are many things that happen throughout our lives that can affect us in different ways.  Lord knows, I've had my share of them.  With my recent trip to Philly, I walked by the house that used to be the interior design firm that I used to manage back in the early 90's and it brought up some memories, good and bad. 

When I got out of high school, I wanted to go to school for accounting, but never did.  I moved out to Philly and worked in restaurant and retail management for some time, before being introduced to a gay couple that ran a high-end interior design firm out of their house.  Behind a beautiful courtyard was an equally beautiful office attached to the house.  A friend of mine introduced me to the couple and they hired me to do accounting work, most of which I was grateful to learn on the job.  I quickly took over the entire business operation, including a showroom in the local design center.  I became very close to them, one being slightly older than myself, and the other, quite a bit more.  They were there for me when I went through some things in my life and I for them.  Over time, their relationship started to crumble under the constant pressure of the business.  Living and working together was taking it's toll on them, as well as me.  Constant fighting slowly turned towards me to solve their problems, both in their business and their personal lives.  While the much older one was out of the office for most of the day, he became a father to me, with mine back in Pittsburgh and not being around much growing up.  The younger one became the brother that I never had, spending most of the day in the office with me.  Sadly, it manifested into me providing the things that they couldn't get from each other, pitting me against each other... and then looking to me to try to get their sexual needs as well.  The younger, in the office with me all day, would try to get me to come next door with him every day... and the older would just simply walk into the office and either stick his hand down my shirt or try at my crotch.  I felt myself unconsciously pulling my chair in when I saw him coming.  It got to the point where I actually considered just giving in to them so that they'd leave me alone, but I never did.  All the while, the incestual feelings built and the mental strain of why exactly they had me there... because I was doing a great job or I was a challenge/diversion?  This continued for 4 years before I simply couldn't take it any more and had to leave, forcing me to bring a sexual harrassment case against them to get the pay that they owed me.

Sexual harrassment in this situation is deemed ridiculous since, being a gay male, aren't we all oversexed and looking for it all the time?  I should have been flattered, I was told.  And although I won my back pay, etc, I lost so much in the process, including my friendship with them.  Most of all, it made me not trust anyone... always trying to figure out what someone wants out of me.  The experience has made me turn inward, not feeling secure with my abilities and keeping people at arm's length.  It also makes me expect the worse from someone and to look for a hidden agenda.  Lastly, it has effected my relationships with friends and intimate relationships.  What's sad is how they didn't see anything wrong with it.  With no boundries in friendships or just human relationships, some people just think that you're there for their desirings... whims... agendas... with no concern for what it's doing to the other person and that's wrong.