We're a Funny Bunch

Excerpt from the book Stuff White People Like:


AVOIDING CONFLICT:

When white people have a problem with someone they generally prefer a solution that does not require a face-to-face confrontation.  The first line of attack is to retreat, bottling up their rage and complain extensively to friends.  Generally ignoring the problem is preferred, but occasionally they will be pushed too far.  When they reach the breaking point, they will write a letter or an email to the person, which is likely to be well thought out and produced over the course of a few hours.  This is essential knowledge if you find yourself in conflict with a white person... do not confront them directly, as they will back down, agree with you, then immediately start talking about you to their friends, who will then turn on you.   Again, the best course is to wait as long as possible to see if the white person will send you the olive-branch email... if they don't, wait 5 days and send it yourself.

BOOKS:

White people's obsession with books is not about the literacy or reading, but about the physical object of a book.  This is because they need to show off the books that they have read much like a hunter needs to mount the heads of their kills.  They need to let people know that they have made their way through hundreds of books, after all, what's the point of reading a book if people don't know you've read it?  It's like a tree falling in a forest.  To bond with a book reader, it is essential that you ask to borrow one of the books, which is the only practical reason for white people to hold on to their entire collection and to justify their decision to save the book, allowing them to assert their status as a well-read individual.

COFFEE:

There's no doubt that white people love coffee.  As they begin to age, a genuine taste for coffee will emerge.  During this time, white people will also develop a self-proclaimed 'addiction'.  This leads them to saying things like "you do not want to see me before I get my morning coffee".  White guys also call it anything but coffee;  rocket fuel, java, joe, black gold, and so forth.

It's worth noting that where white people buy coffee is almost as important as the drink itself.  For the most part, they love Starbucks, although they will profess to hate how the chain is now a multinational corporation.  This hatred is often sublimated by their relief at seeing one in an airport.  The best place for white people to drink coffee is at a locally owned coffee shop that offers many types of drinks, free Wi-Fi, and some sort of message board that is peppered with notices about rooms for rent and bands looking for bass players.  This is coupled with opening your Apple computer with the lit up logo facing outwards so that everyone (including the other 17 people sitting next to you) to see how creative and unique you are... and to show that you cannot possible operate your life on Windows.

NOT HAVING A TV:

The number one reason whilte people like not having a TV is so that they can tell you that they don't have a TV which, in turn, if effective in making other white people feel badly and making them feel good about their life and choices (and how their brains aren't rotting).

INDIE MUSIC:

A white person's iPod (formerly known as CD collection) is what defines them as a person.  They are always on the lookout for the latest hot band that no one has heard of  so that they can hit it just right and be into a band before it's featured in an Apple commercial, and thus, hold it over your friends forever.  But be warned:  Indie music is the most dangerous subject you can discuss with white people... one false move and you will lose their respect forever.  Here are some general rules:  1. Bands that have had their songs in an Apple ad are still marginally acceptable while bands that have had their music in other companies ads are not.  2.  If you mention a band you like and the other person has heard of it, you lose.  They own you.  It is essential that you listen to the most obscure music possible.

WHOLE FOODS:

White people need organic foor to survive, and where they purchase this food is as important as what they buy.  In the community, Whole Foods Stores have replaced churches and cathedrals as the most important and relevant buildings in society, with many considering shopping there to be a religious experience.  The company, a publically-traded corporation has realized that making white people feel good about what they are buying and putting it in a paper bag is as outrageously profitable as church.  Shopping with a child proves excellent, since there's nothing in the store that they actually would want to eat and the food can't be trusted (i.e. chocolate is really carob (wtf is that?).

TOYOTA PRIUS:

It was the Saab/Volvo in the 80's, The Jetta/Outback Station Wagon in the 90's, and now it's the Prius.  The perfect vehicle for white people, it's expensive, gives the idea that you are helping the environment and requires no lifestyle change, other than having less money.  Some white people pull the ultimate move:  Prius, Apple sticker on the back, iPod blasting indie music, and their favorite Democratic candidate's bumper sticker.

ROCK CLIMBING:

For much of human history, when presented with a mountain in front of them, human's reaction has always been "damn, I wish we could blow a hold through this so we don't have to climb it".  After roads and tunnels were constructed, a white person said to himself "I'm going to climb this, look around and then climb back down".  Rock climbing was born and, later, indoor rock climbing, so now urban white people can climb something, look around and climb back down without having to drive so far.  There's no gold  at the top of the mountain... no secret lair, not even a snack bar... the only reward being the opportunity to tell people you did it and it was intense.