Growing Up

In the last week, I deleted my profiles off of two internet chat sites.  Besides being so unproductive (both in lost time and results), being on them really frustrates me.  

With the one site, it was mostly people from all over the country/world asking you how your day went.  Really?  Your day was that uneventful or went that badly that you have to worry about how mine went 1,700 miles away?  I believe that love can happen at any time or any where, but I'd have to question whether or not a person checked out every single person in a 5 mile radius of their own neighborhood before searching across the state/country/world.  We've become a society of people that sit behind a computer instead of getting out there and meeting people face-to-face.  Even with this blog, I sometimes feel that I've vomited my life up today, so why bother calling anyone.  Since most profile pics are either pictures of people from years prior, not their picture or taken at their best angle... and most profiles are filled with lies... what is the attention getter?  Are we all that insecure with ourselves that we have to hide in our own bedrooms in our fuzzy slippers and tossled hair?  The answer is yes.

For me, getting older hasn't been the easiest process... some gray hairs, getting out of shape, losing some hair, some hair sprouting up in abnormal places, losing some libido and energy... but mine hasn't been so much of that as just an overall self-confidence problem with switching careers and dealing with some life changes.  I'm not as worried about telling people that I'm 42 (even though being in a new demographic isn't fun) as much as comparing myself to other people's progress in life.  And while I look at some people and wouldn't want their life/career/stresses... there's a push-pull effect (typical Gemini) going on inside me of being happy that I am doing something that I like to do and doing something that I didn't like to do much, even though I was good at it, it was what I was born to do and that provided a big self-confidence boost for me.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have to talk myself down from wanting to get back into management.  It was my focus and my life.  It was my identity and gauge of success.  And now, I just feel like I want to/can do so much more.  What is my purpose any more?

The second chat site was totally local, but the problem was that all I got approached by was guys from 18-24 years old.  My last semi-serious relationship with Jesse (23) was a disaster.  Fulfilling my need to take care of someone, it worked out great for him.  For me, when I needed support, he was incapable of providing it since he had no life experience.  Some days, I felt good being able to attract a younger guy... some days, it made me feel older, preachy and regretful of choices that I made/didn't make... staring at a person with their whole life in front of them.  And my 'hiding out from the world' career attitude went right along with the busy schedule of an emo twink... watching TV, smoking cigarettes, playing video games.  When my self-confidence plummeted, so did my perspective on what I had to contribute to life or even a conversation, and while most guys my age are looking to re-live their youth or get a younger guy, the rest... I didn't feel that I could relate any more.  So I withdraw from life and being social.

I recently went on a few dates with some young guys... most of which were mature for their age... but it still doesn't change the fact that there are decades of life-experience between us.  Getting caught up in the retreat or flattery aspect, I knew in my mind that it was unrealistic and couldn't go anywhere.  Plus, that life isn't what I want.  Young guys now-a-days are like puppies... they're unconditional... most don't care if you're older... they just want to feel safe... being that that age bracket is the first to experience the broken family, the two working parents, being babysat by a video game... they're starved for love and it feels so good for me to be in that situation, feeling damaged myself.  The frustrating part is the games and fickleness of younger guys... it makes you paranoid and you lose your trust in everyone..  And your sense of what's real.

The reality of my life is that I have limited time (other than in the Winter), my 82 year old father lives with me and that I have experienced a lot in my life that molded me into a complex individual.  I need a complex individual as my partner... someone who can relate, empathize, and be there for me as I am for them.  It's time that I grew up and stopped hiding.  I need to make some changes... and although dating isn't the most important places to start, it is a start.