Why

When I tell people that I have a blog, they usually snicker, like I'm some kind of self-absorbed, chatterbox that only likes to hear myself talk.  They wonder why I do it to begin with... and yesterday was a great example of why, for several reasons.

One of the worst things that I hate to hear someone say to me is 'cheer up'.  I don't think there's a phrase that captures "I don't care what you're going through and I don't have the time to listen and you're bringing me down so get over it" more than those two words.  Which is why, when a friend wants to talk to me about something, I will, for instance, sit in my truck with the motor running in the freezing cold for two hours until they feel better.  Some people also say that they would rather hear it from me first hand rather than read it on my blog... but let me tell you, chances are I won't tell you directly... I may try to put on a brave face, smile and just go about my day, internalizing whatever it is and never share it with you or try to be someone else, normal.  My blog is a sounding board... it's meant for me to release whatever is in my head on 'paper' so that I can process it... it is a more succinct way, having time to go over it a few times from all angles and release it.  So that is the first reason I blog... and it happened yesterday.

I've been feeling shitty and I blogged about it and twenty minutes later, I got up, got a shower and went to the gym and did a workout.  Afterwards, I was giddy... and forgot totally about all that was in my head once I got it out, and moved the fuck on.  Incidentally, my fat percentage dropped from 18.2% to 17.8%, so that made me feel good on top of it... am I the only person that can go away on a vacation and lose weight?

The next reason is that it makes me feel good to share my experiences... not only to help someone else, but it helps me to know that people are thinking the same way that I am... or have been through it as well.  It makes me feel normal.  When I get a comment and see that I've helped someone or they've related, it does us both a world of good.  I will say that I was surprised at how many people yesterday said that being happy is overrated... that makes me happy, oddly, because I carry so much guilt for not being a circus clown 24-7.

The last reason is the people that come in and out of my life through my blog, both old and new.  My friend, Paul, from Vegas contacted me through yesterday's post and it made me feel good.  It's like in the olden days when the phone rang and it was an old friend (and your had to stand there within 3 feet of the phone because of the cord... the blog keeps you in 'one place').  Nowadays, it happens through Facebook.  And while I met him at my darkest hour in Vegas a few years back, and sadly he saw me at another dark hour yesterday, I hope he sees the other posts where I've become happy with who I am both inside and out and where I am in life... because I am.  Regardless, he said that I touched him even then... even in my darkest hour.

I accomplished a lot yesterday.  I moved through it.  And I thank everyone for being there with support and to mark the occasion.  Life is full of baby steps towards being grown up and I'm trying... (but I'm still not giving up my woobie).