Full of Glee

Last night's episode of Glee proved satisfying on so many levels.  Not only did the New Directions win regionals after all their hard work and slushy-endurings, but Kurt finally found love.  It's been a long road, changing schools, getting closer to Blaine then watching him almost fall for Rachel and all but giving up before it happened but, as always, love prevails.  Well, on TV at least.  When Kurt was singing Blackbird, you could see the 'a-ha' moment that Blaine had in his eyes... and his smile (the place where I look for it in my hopeful suitors).  It was an incredible moment not only in the name of love, but the kiss as well for the good of the gay 'cause'... you couldn't help feel something and cheer them on.  Darren Criss (Blaine) is pretty dreamy... if all boys were like him, what a different world we'd live in.

The question that I have to ask myself in my situation is whether I am attracted to unlikely, messed up situations or do they somehow find me?  Like the old unanswered question about the chicken and the egg and which came first, I don't think it really matters.  Situations just materialize for me... a boy with a drug problem... another that's about to accept a job in NYC... another that lives halfway across the world that would rather whine about lost love than fight for it... another that's in a relationship and moving... and the list goes on.  And while I'm far from perfect and have my messed up situations and philosophies to contribute, it just seems that the idea of a normal situation just isn't out there at this day and age as it was in the past.

I've been going through some things over the last 3 or 4 years, but I finally feel like I'm ready to open up again and, with several recent attempts, give my heart to someone.  And not just anyone, mind you.  The way to my heart has always been through my head... and the best way to capture me is through my mind, so when I get that connection, and it's followed by a passionate kiss... or a hand holding... the deal is sealed.  Being able to talk to someone via 10 different modes of communication has taken the place of going on a date.  Instead of planning a date and going, you can have 100 dates in the meantime and you get right to the core of someone immediately, provided they are telling you the truth.

Having the blog helps and hurts me.  It allows me to put myself out there like a giant profile... exposing every part of me which helps people get to know me, good and bad, with nothing to hide.  The problem is that by the time that I know just a little bit about them, they know a lot about me and are possibly interested... and then I can't get close enough to them to learn if I like them before they are at a different point in the process.  So, I basically try to keep them at arm's length and before you know it, I just have to run away.  It also sets me up for criticism... and while other people are keeping their issues and thoughts in where they are safe from being picked apart, mine are right out there like a billboard on a major highway.  Some people are afraid of me... some people don't know how to take me... and sadly for me, that leaves me sometimes with people just wanting to step up to the plate to take a crack at me, like I'm some baseball pitch.  It all leaves me very lonely.

My most recent attempt started out as friends, but got quite serious after talking and sitting in front of each other.  I had an 'a-ha' moment.  Sadly, this person is in a relationship that seems to be somewhat broken, looking to me for the things that he should be getting from his partner but obviously isn't.  I want to just shake him and tell him to wake up... and it's a little more complicated than all that... but is it?  With how hard it is to connect with one person out of billions in the world... and feel every single thing in return... and then to let the passion and connection go without nurturing it into something beautiful is such a waste.  On the other hand, I want someone that appreciates who I am, what I have to offer and I don't deserve and won't accept anything less.  Considering some of the crazy parameters I am willing to endure to give someone a chance, we know that I'm not just too picky.  I understand that love isn't simple and has it's challenges.  I'm not expecting the white limo to pull up, the doves to be released and the music to start playing.

I've gone from being shut off completely for years.... to two or three connections recently, and some misfires.  I'm not trying too hard, in fact, I'm not even looking... they are finding me.  But I know I've made progress and I'm on the right track.  I'm feeling again, and that's an important step.