I have some friends that have some issues that they bury deep down, not noticing how they affect their own lives, let alone those around them. They refuse to think anything is wrong with them. And then there's me, who self-analyzes my every move and thought. I don't have a retirement plan.... or a fund set aside... and I barely know what I'm doing next week, let alone in a few years, but I have become oddly at peace with that. I coined the idea 'security in insecurity'... meaning that it doesn't matter what comes my way, I know that I will be able to deal with it and I'll be fine, always landing on my feet. I think it's that philosophy that gives me the curiosity and thirst for life experience... collecting skills and seeing things and looking for a lesson in everything... and revelling in it once I have endured it. I feel sometimes that this is the person that I was meant to be. Falling down is a part of life, but getting back up is living... and I do a fair amount of both.
The other day, I went on a fantastic date with a great guy. On paper, it all seemed to be the perfect situation... And while you'd think that it answered questions, it just brought more up. I learned something about myself in the process... I'm happy with my life the way it is right now. Having been in a relationship constantly from the time I was 20 through 38 (and growing up thinking that was the only way), I have been forcing myself down that pathway over the last 4 or 5 years, unsuccessfully, like that was the place that I need to be to be whole or that it was a better place to be. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I went from codependent to independent, and short of a few lonely times here and there, I have been happy. I don't think the progress I have made over that time period could have happened while still in a relationship, still going on the same path... still not happy.
I don't see myself in one, nor can I envision what a relationship would even look like for me any more. I enjoy my 'me' time... I enjoy spending time with my friends... I enjoy doing for my (pain-in-the-ass) family... I enjoy my traveling... I enjoy my job... I enjoy my freedom and independence... I enjoy my life. This is who I should be. I embraced a similar way of thinking regarding my career several years ago and I have been much more happier because of it. And while this might change in the future and I may be waylayed with an occasional crush, I need to not beat myself up because I don't want something that I think I should. I need to live in the moment, because that's the kind of person that I am, and most happy being.
I appreciated the support that I got the other day... and I can hear the 'oh brother, here we go again' comments coming. I don't fit into a mold and I'm tired trying to stuff myself in there. I have a lot of growing to do still and my life will be far from settled, at least as far as I can see in the near future... and that's ok. I'm ok.
These are the times when my heart soars for you; when I am in awe of you. These times that you have introspect and clarity; when you come out being completely and totally honest with yourself, and are able to share it so openly and honestly. These times when you love yourself enough to assign worth and acceptance to who you are and what you want (or don't want); and when you take a stand within your own self, regardless of anyone's expectations. Clearly, this is "so." Thank you for a lesson in "self" and courage.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you well enough to say "Oh brother!". But I can only guess that you have been here before. It's nice to be happy and if you say you are, who am I to doubt you? Enjoy the growing!
ReplyDeleteYour Friend, m.
Your life is your life, and you must make the decisons based on that, and not make them for what anyone else, much less society, or a load of blog followers want.
ReplyDeleteIt's yours, and if you're happy--which I've learned is all you really "get" in life--then i say Good for you.
I think most of us were raised in the mindset that we have to have someone in our life in order to be OK, settled down, and normal. I like the way that you've embraced the reality that there isn't just one path to happiness, and that the path to happiness may change directions.
ReplyDeleteas long as you are happy in your own skin thats ALL that matters,,,,, but having said this
ReplyDeletekeep having dates with this guy!
it wouldnt hurt would it?
Are you happy? Are you content? Do you feel loved and supported? I think we all need this in our lives, but whether that comes in the form of a relationship with someone special, friends & family or a combination of both is up to you. I think its fantastic that you are comfortable with yourself; you are not alone in your realization.
ReplyDeleteIf you are happy and being the best "you" that you can be, then if someone is suppose to be a part of your path in life, they will come and join you. You can't force it.
ReplyDeleteWOW. I was pondering this very subject today. I have been single for three years and not really looking for a relationship. I keep asking myself, "Am I being selfish?"
ReplyDeleteI can take care of myself. I don't need anyone to support me. If I need love and attention, I can get that too. I love being able to wake up and decide what I want to do without any negotiation with another.
Eventually, I'll have a partner (for life), but right now... I am content being a single man at 40.
THANK YOU FOR THIS POST!