The Puddles in My Mind

I'm really looking forward to the rain. After 26 straight days of snow coming down, it will be nice to have something different happen, and to wash away some of the snow and mainly the dirt. 

With the constant barrage of things that occur on a daily basis in life, and like the rain coming down clearing things away, your brain processes life's stresses and emotions... and you have to wonder where it all goes, if anywhere.  I know that I process things logically rather than emotionally like most other people do.  That's not to say that compassion doesn't play a part in my process... I'm just not the kind of person to sit and cry about something, although sometimes I wish I could.  Instead, the logical part of the situation gets resolved and the emotional part gets held down or filed away.  And whether its that I don't feel I can allow myself to be anything other than strong, with responsibilities (especially family) weighing me down, or that I'm afraid of letting go because there won't be an end to it or it will be a downward spiral that I can't stop... I walk around feeling like (and this will be graphic) I have to throw up, but only have the dry heaves.   I can't force myself to cry, although I feel like an upset stomach filled with acidic emotions. 

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks"; that's pretty depressing when you realize somewhere along the way, you didn't learn or get what you needed to be able to function in a certain way or the walls or processes you put in place can't be torn down or re-worked.  So you're stuck with 'you' for the rest of your life... and I'm not sure all the self-help books in the world can help.  Years ago, I had to take some pre-employment personality tests... and one of them was the Gallup 'Strength's Finder' test.  Based on the belief that we won't change much and rather than focusing on your weaknesses, you should focus on your strengths, it puts into perspective that who we are at this point in life, is basically what you have to deal with.  However, throw in self-confidence or self-worth issues, and you may not be able to see your strengths at all...and you end up just 'being, which is where I am...  Just a rainy day with lots of puddles with no where for the water to go.

Incidentally, my 5 top strengths were COMMAND / ANALYTICAL / ACTIVATOR / RESPONSIBILITY / CAUTIOUS