Vacancy: Checking Out and In

Today, I went down to get my stuff out of my sleeping and massage rooms at camp... and fortunately, I have a truck, because it was a lot of shit.  The misconception on my part that I could have just roughed it in a tent this season is obviously something I need to reconcile with my need for all my big girl stuff, like various beverage selections and a fridge, a plethora of much-needed sundries and 600 thread count sheets.  Alas, I am not as much a mountain man as I'd hoped (as further evidenced by my use of the word 'alas').  Equally as task-heavy will be finding somewhere to put all of it at the house.

I feel pretty apathetic to the whole situation at this point.  It was difficult to go down there, pack it all up and bring it back... but the worse part was doing it all with Scott there.  He and I have become great friends and we were each other's support system.  It made being there so much easier.  We will still see each other though... it's about an hour for each of us to the casino.  Had I gone down there to pack up on a weekend when everyone else was there, it would have been harder.  Sadly though, my ability to shelf my emotions is my forte... coupled with my ever-lasting need for change and challenge...  both my motivators and my destructors.  It's proved to be the latter more often than not, uprooting myself just when I make some sort of progress or get close to success... after all, we can't have anything stable like that happening in my life.  Talk about being your own worse enemy...

Camp was an outlet for my creativity, not only in my massage but in self-expression as well.  I really came out of my shell this year in many ways... a 5-inch heel, a boa and a slinky off-the-shoulder number not being one of them though.  Rather, mainly in my social skills and body acceptance.  So while being around all the gayness can be toxic, it's also something that I need... much like getting close enough to a flame for the warmth, but not close enough to get burned.  That's been my life... being close enough. 

I'm not sure why all this happened the way it did.  Maybe I'm supposed to believe in myself, get my license and open a practice here in Pittsburgh.  Maybe I'm not supposed to be in it at all... and maybe growing my landscaping business is what I should be doing.  I hate that any other person would just get a job at Starbucks and not think about it... damn analyzation skills.  I am happy that I am thinking about it though, because something like this in the past would have put me into a shame spiral of depression and emptiness.  At least I'm catching myself... and I'm not even medicated right now.

I am sad about not being a part of the camp family any more.  I am not sad about being part of the bullshit and drama though... and there's been plenty of that lately, especially with the sale of camp going through next week.   I am proud of what I accomplished there and how I treated people.  I have met some great people, most of which I will remain friends with... and now I will concentrate on my actual family and the one that I continue to build with Jesse.  It's odd, but with my weekends from mid-April through November now not being taken up, I feel like the world has opened up and the sky's the limit.  I feel a rebirth, hopefully minus all the placenta, although my hair could use a conditioning.