Is That A Snake in Your Pants?

I know that I've talked about this before in past posts, and it's listed in my profile under 'more shit about me'... but I can't stand snakes.  I'm realizing that my fear has gone way past anything rational, as calmly pointed out by a guest this weekend after I went into hysterics.

I was walking down the main street which is a black-topped section in between two buildings and the person I was walking with said 'look at that'.  Just like when someone says to you 'smell this, it smells terrible' and you feel compelled to smell it even though you know it's going to smell like ass or something rank, but you still do, then kick yourself for being so stupid.  Anyway, I looked and there in the middle of the road, about 30 feet in front of us, was a huge, black snake, curled up in the middle of the road.  The bitch must have been over 5 feet long and it's thickest part (which may have had a small child in it that he just ate, or maybe a barnyard animal) was thicker than my calves and, mind you, I have the legs of a dancer, so they're very well developed (except for my left one which is slightly smaller than the right one due to muscular degeneration because of falling out of a tree when I was young, but that's another story for another day).  Well, I ran the other way and proceeded, like a little girl, to hyperventilate to the point that I thought that I was going to throw up.  Then, it slithered under the porch OF MY BUILDING, right under my room.  Then, as if to taunt or spite me, it stuck it's head out and gave me the hairy eyeball and stuck it's tongue out at me.  It was never seen again, but later, another one that passersby said was 7 feet long went towards my building, in the flowery area, but I, fortunately, did not see that one.

I understand that it is the outdoors and that they are black snakes, which are basically harmless, and they do take care of rats and other rodents... but I'd much rather have a mouse running around than some big-ass, slimy snake.  Sure, rats can carry lots of diseases, but they're so cute and cuddly... well, at least the pet store variety... not the New York City variety.  I also understand that this is a fear that I have to overcome, but it's something that I really don't want to.  For instance, I have a fear of guns, but I'm not in any hurry to run out to my local Wal-mart gun section (which is next to the wife-beater t-shirts and the hats that hold beer cans on it with a straw long enough to go down the back of your mullet so that you can sip the brand of your choice at your leisure while shooting something), and buy one and shoot my foot to work through it.  So you have to wonder how much are you supposed to push yourself to work through your shit.  Somewhere in either my childhood or a past life, I must have been traumatized to warrant such behavior... at least from 30 feet away.  I can discount my fear when it's poisonous and within striking distance, but this is just pure craziness.  Someone suggested going to a pet store and trying to hold a little tiny one... and someone said that I should try to be hypnotised.  I've made it this far in life... except for a few big girl moments here and there, I'm not sure if I should or not.  If I see a snake on TV, that night I am sure to have a nightmare about it.  With the picture above, I had to find a cartoon picture, and not a real one.  I just can't even look at a snake.  My friend Scott was sitting at someone's campsite on a chair and a small one went up his pant leg, across his crotchety area and back down the other leg.  With it's quick departure, I guess he got to looking around and snakes are size-queens too?

I suppose screaming over a snake at gay camp isn't all that bad... but it's kind of an oxymoron... and made people question if I was gay at all... if you get my innuendo.  Add that to my list of issues.