Love Is In The Air

Yesterday, with the sweltering heat, I decided to catch a matinee of Twilight, Eclipse.  Amongst all the tween girls, there I sat in the third installment of the vampire/werewolf saga.  I didn't think that it was the best of the three, but it did offer more of a showing of emotions in the love triangle between Edward, Jacob and Bella. In fact, the whole story line of the 'war' brewing wasn't even needed, as evidenced by it's playing out in a brawl that took only 5 minutes.

Last night, I finally sat down to watch "Dear John", with Tatum Channing.  About an innocent love sprouting followed by years of angst over choices made, it turned out to be one of those movies that you wished that they would have taken it in the direction that you expected, however trite, to have a clean ending and uphold the idea of a true love story.  Instead, it fell flat, and I was left with a sense of reality surrounding love... that it doesn't happen.

I'm not sure if I've blogged about this before, but a friend has a dog that runs across the yard on a wire attached onto two trees, with the lead attached to the collar... and the dog has been running across the yard for years in the same path.  If you unhook the lead at the wire, and it just drags attached to the collar, the dog will take a different path, but won't run, not realizing that it's not tied any more.  As soon as you unattach the lead at the collar, the dog takes off and is away for hours at a time.  I can relate my track of love with the Husky dog's track (of pooping, sadly)... and the implication of them both having to do with shit is more than coincidence.

Since I was 21, I've been in relationships.  It's all I've known and it's all I've ever seen with my parents as my role models.  Over time, I have changed... my situation has changed... but my mind has not.  So, at this point of my life, I'm trying to comprehend a 'relationship' in a manner other than what I'm used to.  I have, and always have had, a strong belief in monogamy and I've been trying to analyze that part of me and why I cling on to that like a drunk to a drink.  Why am I so threatened by the idea of not being monogamous?  Is it because I view it as a failure?  Is it because my fragile confidence can't risk an infiltration?  Is it possible for traditional ideas to run so deep? 

When I'm talking to people who have been together for long periods of time, it always upsets me when they seem to accept that gay men are, supposedly, unable to be monogamous... because we're not 'wired' for it... and I don't buy that.  It does take an effort to be in a relationship, and that includes being committed to the vows that you make.  And that brings up another question:  Should it be some pain-staking effort to remain within your vows, or if it was really something that you believed in, would it be an effort/come into play at all?

I've been fortunate to have had some great relationships and I'm not ready to give up on love.  I'm not ready to give up on the idea of monogamy.  There may come a point where, after some deep consideration, we mutually agree to blurring the boundaries and, at that point, I will think about it.  I still feel like to say that it's not possible right off the bat is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Turns out that if let off my lead or collar, I'm still probably going to run my normal course.