Status Update

When I came out in the mid-80's, the outbreak of AIDS had just broke loose and, without a lot of information available, it pushed everyone into their shell, for the most part.  Afraid to do anything with anyone, I turned to more 'solitary' means of 'nick-nick in harvest time, if you know what I mean'.  And while some of my friends were still frolicking about, I was very careful in what I did with other people.  Being the 'boy' in the relationship (rather than the 'girl', if you get my drift), there's less risk in contracting it, but still, engaging in unsafe practices with that as your safety net (as some people do), is not good. 

Everywhere you turned in the gay community, "AIDS = Death" was rammed down your throat with awareness materials and fund raisers, as well as your good friends dying around you, left and right.  I, personally, lost 4 of my closest friends to AIDS.  One in particular, David, was barely recognizable as I sat by his bedside in some run-down hospice in Atlantic City, hours before he passed.  Full of life and energy, he was taken in his early 20's. Imagine being punished by death for trying to love someone. 

Over the years, even with new information and drugs on the market to reverse the previous 'death sentence', I have always been ultra paranoid.  And while I always felt that I was missing out, I am alive.  A few years back, I met a guy that I really fell for deeply.  He was a microbiologist and his life's work was finding a cure for HIV.  I finally felt safe, feeling that this guy knew all there was to know.  About 2 months into it, he went to the doctor for a routine checkup and found out he tested positive for HIV.  I'll never forget him sitting down with me and telling me... I was devastated.  I loved him so much, but my first reaction was of anger for disappointing me and letting me down when he should have known better than to purposely engage in risky behavior. Fortunately, after a series of tests over a 6 month period, I was fine, but our relationship didn't last.  We went to counseling to try to deal with the issues of being a couple where one is positive and the other negative... but the real issue that broke us apart was my anger/disappointment. 

Most people will tell you their status right up front... but I would imagine that it's very hard for that to be the deciding factor on whether someone will love you or not.  You are judged by your status and not who you are inside.  On the flip side, people are just scared and it does present certain challenges in everyday life, like even as simple as cut.  For me, all I can hear is 'AIDS = Death', and despite living healthy lives on medication, I can't reprogram myself to accept that what I expect will happen probably will not.  Afterall, we all die... but I would have a hard time setting myself up for a fall, if even only in my mind.  I'd be consumed with it, especially being so analytical in my head.

The other day at camp, they were doing HIV testing so I got my test done and fortunately, it came back negative, as I suspected it would.  The new tests take 20 minutes to get the results... which is nerve-racking enough.  Previously, it took a week... and let me tell you, that week was hell, reenacting everything you've done with everyone since the last test you took.  It's a true morality wake-up call, with you usually thanking everyone from Liberace to God for a negative result, swearing that you'll never touch another person again.  That doesn't last for long.  Sadly, there's a new generation out there that have HIV parties to engage in unsafe sex just to be able to contract it, get on medication (draining the healthcare system) and then not be able to have to worry about it at all... just to be able to have sex with anyone without worrying about getting it any more... with no conscience about spreading it.  I can't even wrap my head around that at all.

Telling your status for some is as easy as listing your eye and hair color.  The bad part is that the test only goes back beyond the last 2-3 months, so people get their negative results and forget about what they've recently done.  The only true way is to get a test, wait three months and get another one, without doing anything with anyone in that time period.  The results are only as good beyond three months and after you've tested... so five minutes later, if engaging in sex, it's no good anymore.  Might as well throw the slip of paper out along with your future and health.