Cue Circus Big-Top Theme for the Juggler

Going from the self-proclaimed 'Year of the Wiener' last year (coming to terms with my body and nudity) to this year's theme, 'No Means No', I have entered into a no bullshit zone, pushing back on situations where I am taken advantage in one way or another or when boundaries are overstepped.  In the past, I would simply put myself last, and I'm not doing it any more.  I have had success in not accepting behaviors from my brother (and he is doing well in rehab), my nephew (who is doing well in his new apartment and job and paying his obligations) and with a few friends, so it obviously doesn't help anyone to accept that behavior.

Life is hard to juggle, but most difficult seems to be relationships, be it love interest or friendships, with family bringing up the rear (or fucking you up the proverbial rear, as the case may be).  We are all so very different and taking into consideration each other's baggage, personalities, weaknesses, quirks, and habits and it's a wonder that we're all not walking around slugging each other, let alone carrying on productive interactions.  To act with poor behavior is bad, and accepting it from others is just as bad.  It's a give and take... but too often, either side is taking too much and not giving.  Honesty, self-reflection and responsibility are some of the things that have to be present for it to work.

While I am constantly trying to examine and better myself and make necessary changes, I know that I am not an easy person.  The complexity that I rarely understand about myself doesn't help matters.  For instance, I give a lot, and expect a lot and I'm often disappointed.  I recognize that this, among other characteristics, holds me back in my relationships.  I feel good about my thought process with it though... in that the saddest part for me is not the lack of being able to find a decent person, but rather in the realization that I will never let it happen any way, often holding people at arm's length.  That makes me lonely... but not a bitter, projecting loneliness, so I guess that's good.  I'm still under construction... one of these days, I will get it right.