Day Two of My Journey

Day two proved to be just as challenging as day one by putting into play things learned the first day.  After more outpour of intimate details and emotions, most of the day was about massage.  If you've never had a massage, many things can happen when you let yourself go... I've experienced anger, crying and numerous other things happening from my clients in the past.  For me, the difficulty was two-fold.  I hold everything in and it gets bottled up, so letting go isn't one of my strong suits.  In fact, at points, I could have easily turned around and left, but I pushed through my fears and continued on the journey.  As a massage therapist, I especially have a hard time when getting massage, because I pay too much attention to what the person is doing and I miss all the energy and feeling behind the touch and letting myself go.  The massage that we did was specifically designed to release pent up feelings with breathing and screaming and whatever else you allowed your body to do.  Split into two groups, receivers and givers, we spent two hours massaging four different people by rotating to the next person after so much time.  I was fortunate to get to work with someone who really let go, which is a massage therapist's dream.  We really bonded in the experience and the outpour was amazing.  It was phenomenal being able to be there for him through it.  But being a skeptic, I had to wonder how much of it was real, since I have never allowed myself to do that... until I got on the table and it was a mixture of letting go of protective boundries with my body and mind, as well as a 'Godly' experience of my arms raising up as if I were being picked up by someone from above and visions of my Mom and Shelby.  I haven't cried since Shelby died, and 10+ years before when my Mom passed away... but I cried.  And cried.  And cried.

I miss touch.  I am a mixed bag of being somewhat withdrawn and keeping people at bay but being somebody that needs touch, specifically to be held.  Sadly, in this lifestyle, it's more about a wham-bam experience.  The incredible nature of how this class came together and the dynamics of stripping yourself down to your raw being with a bunch of strangers is amazing, considering that I have known people for years that don't have a clue about who I am or what I need.  And yet, 26 men, in two days, developed a sense of trust and a bond that can't be broken.  It's truly an amazing experience that I am thankful that I did.  And although I don't plan on standing naked in a room with all my friends, I hope that I can apply the premise of not hiding behind the walls that I put up and build on and they can do the same with me to experience a more true connection to each other's true being and not the person that we pretend to be.

Last night, after the class was over, Dennis (the guy I connected with) and I grabbed dinner and talked more.  Having the mutual need to be held and not be alone, I spent the night with him and it was very beautiful.  I leave for Florida in a few hours.  I am exhausted (mentally, emotionally and physically) and over-stimulated and I'm looking forward to some alone time to further reflect on the experience.  Oh, by the way, it's 83 degrees and sunny in Florida today... don't be a hater.