Feeling Sad about SAD

I went out last night... not sure if it's the eating well or the running, but it only takes a few drinks to get me tipsy, so I didn't feel that great this morning.  The weather went from sunnyish to rainy (I know, poor me, right?) but I was still able to drag myself out of bed to do my run/walk... with walk being the operative word.  I didn't go yesterday (giving my legs a break) so I had to go today.  I also got to sit on the beach for a bit and just breathe.  So far, I have just run along side of it... today I actually looked at it.  It's been windy over the last few days so it was a little choppy.  Still, Floridians (I think) would get their excercise even in a hurricane.  People out with their dogs and kids... it's hard to be sedentary here.  I felt better that I did it, but got back, ate some eggs and sat down, and that was the end of it. 

Depression comes over me like tiredness to others.  One minute fine, the next, not so much.  I curled up and fell asleep... until 4 p.m.   Just in time to wake up to an overwhelming sense of guilt for not doing anything all day.  I can really be hard on myself and, afterall, I am here to do a job.  I'm probably staying until after Xmas now... since there's no real reason to rush home.  Believe it or not, being here 6 days now, it usually hits me sooner than this that I just want to go home.  The sunny weather is good for me, and so is the warmth.  And this is my first real feelings of depression this season.  I feel better now... sometimes just sleeping... letting my body recharge and my chemicals balance... helps.

I really miss 'Saturdays'.  I miss working 5 days a week to look forward to Saturday mornings.  I don't have that anymore.  Without a structured work schedule, which is great sometimes, there's no routine.  Even reading my magazines, which used to be a Saturday thing... happens spread over a few days now.  I used to get up, read the comics and do something fun.  Now, I feel guilty about doing anything fun any time... without a specific day off, the feeling that I should be doing something every day is overwhelming.  There's never a break for me... just a 24/7 sense of urgency to accomplish followed by a 20/7 sense of guilt for non-productivity.  Structure is a double-edged sword... you just need to know how to manage it... I just do better when I am on the go and working a lot.  It's my drug.