My Own Worst Enemy

My life hasn't been easy, not that anyone's is.  With being adopted, having biological parents who were a mess, being gay, having been sexually harrassed, having changed careers many times throughout my lifetime and constantly having to reinvent myself, being a Gemini, having my Mom pass away, taking control/care of my Dad from my addict brother, financial ruin, and fighting depression, to name a few... and while I try not to use these to define myself, these are the things that make up who I am.

I spend a lot of time self-reflecting.  I've had therapy in the past, been on medication and have sought out help from books and workshops as well... trying to figure myself out, to no avail.  In fact, the more I look deep inside, the deeper the hole gets.  I have to wonder if I will ever even get close to an identity to use as a starting or reference point.  Meanwhile, my life has played out like a deep bog of quicksand and if I don't keep moving, I'll sink.  Or like I'm a tornado, with a path of destruction behind me a mile wide.  And while I'm sure that everyone plows through their life making decisions (good or bad) that effect their life, I spend way too much time analyzing my every move to the point that I am paralyzed.  With every move being intertwined with the next, I feel wrapped up in a lifetime of paths.  I'm choking.

I've always been a 'relationship person', whatever that means. But with everything in my life being a catch-22, it turns out that I haven't had much success with them.  In comparison and by statistics, no one really does, I guess.  I just wish I was the kind of person that could just take the easy way out... blame the other person, learn nothing and move to the next one.  Or worse (as in the case of some people I know), stay in relationships that don't work... it's usually those people that pass judgement from their moral pedestal on to those who expect/desire/deserve more and are not willing to put up with crap.  Not sure which is worse... both situations end up with unhappy people who are lonely. 

Every one thinks that, because I can get attention for one reason or another, it's any better.  On the contrary, it has made me very insecure.  Second guessing why someone would be interested in me, knowing all along what a mess I am.  As a result, I walk around a loner with a wall up.  Add to it my low self esteem and tendencies to push people away and it's a recipe for disaster.  I might as well start knitting, get a cat or ten and learn how to make jam.  That's my future.  I'm not an easy person, I know that.  There's no manual and I don't fit a profile.  This was blaringly obvious to me when I decided, with a ray of hope, to look for someone on Match.com a few weeks ago.  After spending almost an hour to fill out their detailed and scientific profile and setting the parameters for someone within a 300 mile radius, not one match came up.  There are millions of people in their database.  That's depressing.

My life is much different than it used to be.  I'm not living the swinging singles lifestyle... I don't have a big corporate job... I pull weeds and rub gay men at a gay campground for a living... I have a small local friend-base... and I live with my Dad.  Not exactly putting myself out there.  So finding someone to fit into that scenario is pretty bleak.  And while I am coming to grips with that, it's not an easy pill to swallow.  Still, I continue to figure it out... work on myself (I am attending a workshop next month to work through some of these problems) and remain hopeful. 

And while the offers for a roll in the hay are always out there, I'm tempted to hire someone to just hold my hand... cuddle... talk indepth... run their hands through my hair (what's left)... kiss me... those are the things I miss.  Those are the things that make my heart ache.