Self-Justification System

While I'm sure that it sounds like a hoot-n-hollerin' weekend at gay camp, it's really a difficult situation sometimes.  I mean, it is a job for me, so I do spend a good amount of the time working.  And while I do get some down time, it's usually overshadowed with catching up with people or putting my face on to cultivate new business for myself or general customer service for the campground... answering questions, enduring sexual advances, chit-chatting about stuff that you really don't care about.  It's a lot of work. It makes you want to run for the... well, hills... some other hills, maybe.

When the general public suggests that this is a way of life that someone would choose, it burns me up.  And while I do choose to come to a gay campground to work, or I go to a gay parade or a circuit party, I can only embrace what goes along with the 'lifestyle' or not.  It's amazing what we as gay accept as commonplace... to see a drag queen in 5" heels or someone walking around nude or in underwear is no big deal... there's so much self expression that it sometimes becomes overload. While straight people make their mark with their kids, family or how many garages, it seems like the more individual that you try to make yourself be in the gay world, the better... but not always so.

Along with self-expression is self-indulgence.  It seems like gone are the days of monogamy... replaced by an 'anything goes' mind-set.  It also burns me up when I hear a couple stand on their laurels with their 15 year partnership, only to find out that 2 years into it, they've been having a free-for-all relationship or they are trying to get you into a three-some 5 minutes into a conversation.  It makes you either avoid people or expect the worse so as not to be disappointed, but it seems to always happen anyway.  Which poses the questions:  Is it good to be in a relationship with someone that you don't entirely want to be with, and is basic companionship worth it, void all the traditional pieces?  Is monogamy that important?  Is it a belief, an option or a goal?

For me, it is a way of life.  I don't want anyone else if I'm with someone that I have made a commitment.  I'm focused on them and our connection.  Which opens up a whole new line of questions:  Are gay men capable of a traditional relationship? Would straight people be able if it weren't for the legality of their bond or for the sake of the kids?  Are we all just fucked?

More and more, I'm becoming ok with being by myself.  I don't need to have someone in my life, but it would be nice. I have way too much respect for myself to accept less.  And being in relationships since I was 21, it's not getting any easier, whether due to the internet and all it brings or the decline of morals... regardless it doesn't look promising to find someone who just wants me.  With my strong morals and traditional ideals, it seems like I'm a rare breed. 

For the record, I wouldn't choose any of this.