Klunk

Origin of the saying waiting for the other shoe to drop:

A man comes in late at night to a lodging house, rather the worse for wear. He sits on his bed, drags one shoe off and drops it on the floor. Guiltily remembering everyone around him trying to sleep, he takes the other one off much more carefully and quietly puts in on the floor. He then finishes undressing and gets into bed. Just as he is drifting off to sleep, a shout comes from the man in the room below: “Well, drop the other one then! I can’t sleep, waiting for you to drop the other shoe!”.

This is basically how my life goes with my brother.  When he gets himself together and appears to not be on drugs, we try to be supportive in his direction.  All the while, not bringing up all that he has done to get him to where he is, all the friends and people in his life that he has lost as a result of screwing them over, all the money he has pissed away and specifically, all that he has lied to us about, stolen from us and us being in the fallout from his path of destruction, basically left to pick up the pieces... somehow processing our own feelings toward him and all that he has done that we are left with dealing, again, on our own... trying not to derail him from his spurt, knowing full well that it will end at any given moment.  This is the moment.

Last night, after a great week of personal progress and a great weekend, I got a call from him and for no good reason (of course) they are throwing him out of the halfway house because they suspect he is doing drugs again... something that I started suspecting about a week ago when I found out that he owed my Dad $300 (now $400) that we obviously will never see.  This whole process has been a cycle that has been going on for the last ten plus years and one that will never end unless one of them passes away.  And while it's easy for people to say 'don't give him the money', 'don't let him in', or 'forget about him'... the process isn't half as exhausting as the notification or knowledge that he has fallen off again.  It's a disappointment that knocks the life out of me... for the very basic reason that it's all going to start up again.  For nine months, things seemed to be quiet and dealing with the financial fallout was taxing enough... now having to deal with wondering what he's doing and where he will strike (like did he go to the other house and break in and sleep there last night?) is as uneasy as having a baby and wondering what they're putting in their mouth when you turn your head.

Sadly, I'm already at a high pressure point with dealing with fallout... this isn't going to help.  My post-weekend mind clearing grass cutting routine today will be filled with 8 hours of pushing a lawn mower in the 90 degree heat fuming over this and dealing with the rage that I have for my family... a fight that I have to have in my head since talking to my brother and nephew will result in pushing me to a level of anger that I don't want to see if I am capable of and on deaf ears when it comes to my Dad.  I am tired.