I Am What I Am...

Oddly enough (and hard for some to believe), I didn't feel like talking this weekend and didn't post anything... not that anything happened to talk about.  I mainly just did things around here to get organized and worked at the Marriott yesterday, trimming hedges, etc.  Every little bit towards a clearer head is good.  Getting to the end of the week at the house closing and reunion is my goal.

I spent Friday and Saturday night doing nothing, here at the house, by myself.  I was supposed to go down to camp, but decided that I had too much to do and really couldn't get excited to drive two hours to see people that live 5 minutes from me that never call.  "We missed you at camp this weekend" is all I heard on Sunday... well, pick up the phone, respond to texts and invitations and you might not have to wait until the end of the week to see me.  I am in an uneasy period with some friends right now... it's cyclical... being the one to try to always get people together, it rarely works out... so I get disappointed.  I guess I go wrong when I ask for the common decency of a return call.  Seems like I am the 'go-to' guy when things need getting done, but an after-thought for everything else.  I'm a little tired of it... or maybe of the mentality of the people I surround myself with, which is the reason for not going to camp any more.  Other than the physical location in the woods, I get nothing from being at camp.  If I could get a trailer off by myself and not deal with the bullshit, I would, but it's refreshing to not feel like I am missing anything.

I was supposed to have a date this weekend but it fell through because he was sick.  He picked something up off the cruise that he was on last week.  So we chit-chatted a bit over the weekend and especially last night.  The people lately that I have met are more on the quiet side and, well, we all know that's not me.  I tend to get along well with people who can carry a conversation and it doesn't seem like it's one sided.  I get frustrated when, if I'm not saying something, nothing is said, and I will purposely say nothing just to see how long the silence will go on.  I'm very engaged in the relationship process, especially in the 'getting to know you' phase.  It's exhilarating to learn about other people and vice-versa and the dynamics of how you'd mesh.  I think that, because I try to get people to like me for me (knowing full well that I'm not an easy person to understand), that comes off strong and people don't know how to take me.  Factor in trying to get your point across in a text and being rather direct and non-candy-coating in my verbalization... and it doesn't spell communication success. 

Obviously if someone is talking with you, they are attracted to you physically... that's a given in the dating process... but it seems like sometimes that fogs their focus.  When I asked someone why they thought they wanted to get to know me, the first thing they said was 'you're cute', and although I guess that is a factor in the process, that shouldn't be the main thing.  And that's what makes me push the 'real me' (not what people think I am about) even harder, becoming more insecure that it's who I am on the surface that they/re interested in.  It's like the opposite of what marketing does, which is puts everything up front in a flashy package and hides the fine print.  I do the opposite... I push the fine print for everyone's sake involved. I have nothing to hide and put it all out there at the start.  Maybe that's a hard concept for people to take in. 

I'm not sure what kind of person I need to be with.  I'm happy with who I am and don't need to feel like some sort of circus freak outcast because I am engaged and have an opinion, which is how I felt last night.  I partly wanted to cry, was partly angry at the situation and myself and couldn't fall asleep for hours, analyzing (duh).  Not a good start.