YUM !! (Barefoot Boys)

Tids N Bits

I'm off to the gym, so this post will be quick.  Incidentally, I'm hovering around 177 lbs now... at some point, I crossed a threshold beyond the 180ish range... I'll be excited to see if my fat percentage dropped more as well since my last one of 17.8%.

I watched the first elimination of American Idol the other night and , I called it.  Ashthon went home.  She reminds me of the girl last year or the year before with the big hair that looked like she should have been able to bring it home and make it her own, but did nothing but the opposite.  As far as AI boyfriends to marry... I'm still partial to Stefano, but Paul has a beautiful smile... and the Adam Lambert-esque one is cute as well.  Lauren seems to have the personality to win, but I think Pia will be hot on her trail... and when I say hot... I mean HOT.  For about three seconds, I found myself drawn to her beauty and great personality and thought about how tan our babies would be.

We didn't get any of the snow predicted the other day, although it was wet enough to stick to everything and make it pretty for about 4 minutes.  That, of course, was upstaged by the tsunami and earthquake and flooding.  Yep.... no such thing as global warming. (idiots)

So, I came in rather late (or early depending how you look at it) the other day.  I've been chatting with someone that found me on Facebook over the last couple of days and it's been going well as friends.  We had a chance to meet for a drink, which turned into about 6 followed by a long-anticipated old-fashioned kiss and singing Glee songs in his truck.  With all that's been going on over the last month or so, I am ready to give my heart to someone that wants it... and deserves it.  Will this be him?  Not sure yet... there are a few hurdles to overcome.  We'll see.  It's good to feel something again though.

We had dinner last night at my favorite place and with a little prodding and snooping from Robin, we got to the bottom of what's going on with Stu, the very cute, adorable, charming waiter.  Needless to say, he was all but happy to give his phone number to Robin when I was away from the table... for her daughter, Courtney.  So, he's a 'mo no mo(re).  They will have beautiful babies together and live happily ever after, and I will become the (old) maid of honor or some shit.  Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.  I'm happy for them.  Courtney showed up after the movie, right at the time that we all walked out of the theater and Stu was walking out of the restaurant.... it was so cute... they talked for a while, exchanged numbers, made a date for Tuesday and I threw up my sirloin medallions with sweet potato mash and side of broccoli.  Time to find a new restaurant and waiter to stalk.  Robin and I were both sad.  Especially Robin, since the gay man inside of her was anxiously wanting to date Stu through me.  At least he'll be her son-in-law.  Maybe I can pick a guy that doesn't live somewhere else... isn't straight... in a relationship... is a serial killer... has three of something that other people only have two of... I can't seem to win.

A bunch of friends and I are going out tonight, so that will be fun.  Sadly, it's the night where it's not as fun being in a bar when the time is moved forward and you lose an hour of partying, dancing and hangover recovery.

Early Visitor - The Sun

The Power of Earth

In light of the snow, rain, flooding and, this morning, the earthquake and tsunami... my trivial squalkings don't pale in comparison to the devastation that is being unleashed... plus... why add uncontrollable wind storm to the mix?... so I will offer a quiet day on my blog out of respect.

Tomorrow's snippets:  Coming in at 4:30 a.m this morning... American Idol... Snow and other senseless info.

Tids and Bits

Not yet... my little babies.... not time to sprout yet... go back in and hibernate.... because that fucking large rat, Phil, doesn't know what he's talking about.  Tonight, we are under a winter storm warning, meaning that we can get 6+ inches of snow throughout the night and into the morning.  Really?  I came home for this?

Tomorrow, I am supposed to have a luncheon with a good friend of mine, Keith, from out of town... if the world doesn't end and we don't get buried.  He wants to go to the Hard Rock, since he collects the pins... and I haven't been down there in years even though it's 12 minutes from my house, so it should be great.  He's also bringing me a copy of the Grand Canyon pictures that we took on our trip out there about 5 years ago (since I lost all my pictures when my computer crashed).  Even though that area represents my darkest hour (and would-be burial place via a large jump), it's still close in my heart, much like a box of Twinkies is like an old friend to me now.  The West is kind of where I really 'found' myself.  Luckily, someone else didn't have to find me at the bottom.

Tomorrow night, Robin and I are going on a 'proper date'.  We always seem to dish over a cup of coffee at Barnes and Noble and with our friendship entering a stronger phase, it'll be good to have a nice night out.  She's been so supportive lately, not that she always hasn't been (in her way).  We're going to our favorite restaurant... the one that the cute boy, Stu, works at and I'm still working that angle (the jury is still out on if he's a 'mo or not).  For the time being, I can fantasize. I will try to snap a picture.  Then we're heading to the movies to see Red Riding Hood, which seems to be the best out of anything right now at the movies.  What a bunch of crap they're slinging right now.

I'm off to the gym... who would have ever guessed that I would switch my source of comfort from a Push Up (the delicious, cool, orange creaminess in a cylinder that you push up from the bottom) to a push up (the act of trying to get your creamy fat, orange (or tanned, in my case) bottom off the floor and still look cool).

Why

When I tell people that I have a blog, they usually snicker, like I'm some kind of self-absorbed, chatterbox that only likes to hear myself talk.  They wonder why I do it to begin with... and yesterday was a great example of why, for several reasons.

One of the worst things that I hate to hear someone say to me is 'cheer up'.  I don't think there's a phrase that captures "I don't care what you're going through and I don't have the time to listen and you're bringing me down so get over it" more than those two words.  Which is why, when a friend wants to talk to me about something, I will, for instance, sit in my truck with the motor running in the freezing cold for two hours until they feel better.  Some people also say that they would rather hear it from me first hand rather than read it on my blog... but let me tell you, chances are I won't tell you directly... I may try to put on a brave face, smile and just go about my day, internalizing whatever it is and never share it with you or try to be someone else, normal.  My blog is a sounding board... it's meant for me to release whatever is in my head on 'paper' so that I can process it... it is a more succinct way, having time to go over it a few times from all angles and release it.  So that is the first reason I blog... and it happened yesterday.

I've been feeling shitty and I blogged about it and twenty minutes later, I got up, got a shower and went to the gym and did a workout.  Afterwards, I was giddy... and forgot totally about all that was in my head once I got it out, and moved the fuck on.  Incidentally, my fat percentage dropped from 18.2% to 17.8%, so that made me feel good on top of it... am I the only person that can go away on a vacation and lose weight?

The next reason is that it makes me feel good to share my experiences... not only to help someone else, but it helps me to know that people are thinking the same way that I am... or have been through it as well.  It makes me feel normal.  When I get a comment and see that I've helped someone or they've related, it does us both a world of good.  I will say that I was surprised at how many people yesterday said that being happy is overrated... that makes me happy, oddly, because I carry so much guilt for not being a circus clown 24-7.

The last reason is the people that come in and out of my life through my blog, both old and new.  My friend, Paul, from Vegas contacted me through yesterday's post and it made me feel good.  It's like in the olden days when the phone rang and it was an old friend (and your had to stand there within 3 feet of the phone because of the cord... the blog keeps you in 'one place').  Nowadays, it happens through Facebook.  And while I met him at my darkest hour in Vegas a few years back, and sadly he saw me at another dark hour yesterday, I hope he sees the other posts where I've become happy with who I am both inside and out and where I am in life... because I am.  Regardless, he said that I touched him even then... even in my darkest hour.

I accomplished a lot yesterday.  I moved through it.  And I thank everyone for being there with support and to mark the occasion.  Life is full of baby steps towards being grown up and I'm trying... (but I'm still not giving up my woobie).

Trying on a New Suit

I've never been an overly happy person, at least not consistently.  Happy is to me as depressed is to anyone else.  When I'm happy, I don't say... 'wow... I'm happy'... it just sort of happens in the background as one of those emotions or feelings that I don't notice, or by the time that I do, it's passed.  For others, having a particularly blue day hits them the same way... and on their happy days, they can identify that, revel in it... feel comfort in it and live their life by it or for it.  For me, I've always felt more comfort in the sulky, dark moods because it's a feeling that I can interpret... and really feel and recognize.  It's when I'm most creative... most emotional... most relating... and, sadly, most happy.  I'd much rather listen to a sullen piece of music than a bouncy, happy one.  In that mood, you expect the worst, so when it happens, you are not surprised.  Also, expecting the worst prepares you for dealing with the worst.  The fall isn't as far when the worst happens.

Over the last couple of months, I've been very happy... it's a new me, and some people have commented to that effect.  And I've liked feeling that way.  Currently, in the sad mood that I'm in... it doesn't feel as good as it used to.  It's like I'm a junkie and I've grown accustomed to the dose... or I had a stint in rehab and I like being sober.  What I'm feeling is a grief that I don't think I've ever felt... even with losing my Mom, because I had to go into 'one in control' mode and never had the time to grieve.  

The good thing is that, in the past, I would lock myself up again... now I want to give my love to someone, realizing the beauty in it and the incredible way I've felt.  I also don't want to live in the shadows any more... I like being positive... upbeat... and, dare I say, happy?   Shit... I'm turning into one of those perky, happy fucking people.

Falling Off

It's kind of funny.... I've been so on top of the world for several reasons over the last couple months that I totally forgot about my normal state of being depressed this time of year.  With all the running around vacationing and being out of my element, being tired from working out, love troubles, and weather woes, I've spent the last couple of days in a funk that I wasn't able to diagnose as I usually have.  On top of that, I feel like I'm sick, but I can't tell with that either for sure.  I've spent the last two days in bed for some reason.... just not sure why.  It makes me realize that I should sometimes just give in to what I'm experiencing, be it grief or sickness or depression, instead of trying to always be the strong one and push through it.  I'm fortunate to have good friends who check in on me (and mother me... (you mother F-ers know who you are)), but to the others who depend on me, there's no rest for the weary... the show must go on... because the guilt keeps coming, both self-inflicted and flung upon. I'm having a hard time giving a shit about anything right now.  At least before I had food to comfort me.

American Idol

I've been half-heartedly trying to get through some of the things on my DVR since I got back with other things on my mind and a slight sinus infection situation going on... so I've not really been in the mood for it all.  Some of that was getting through 5 hours of AI, which I finally got caught up last night.  I can honestly say that they did a great job picking them this year... with one better than the next... there's really no one that doesn't belong there.  There's a lot of talent this year... and I agree with the top 13, except for Ashthon Jones.  I'm not sure why they saved that girl... other than a boatload of attitude, she really didn't do a great job, and that's the kind of over-confidence that I can't stand... when you can't back up your game.  I'm glad they saved Stefano (adorable)... I think that he's going to be the front-runner... but it's anyone's game at this point.  I will miss Jovanny, but only because he was cute and I was hoping he'd take his shirt off again.  We'll have to see what happens.  I neither have the energy or the interest to go into a person-by-person evaluation right now.... and my traditional picking of an AI boyfriend to marry has also been post-poned... although it will probably be Stefano... stay tuned.

Lucky To Have You

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

~ Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

A week or so ago, I proposed the question 'could you fall in love with someone that you've never met', in regards to my starting to fall in love with someone 6000 miles away.  See, I have always been a logical person, always thinking with my head and not my heart, but this person changed that for me.  I allowed myself to forget how far away he was... how difficult it would be for us to ever meet, yet alone build a life together... along with a dozen other logistical questions.  None of that mattered though with a direct connection to our hearts, I threw caution to the wind.  At the time of the post, we had taken a step back, realizing some of the difficulties and were tortured with the idea of love lost, which only brought us together deeper throughout the week that I was gone.  I was happy... my creative juices were flowing... I had felt as though I had met my soulmate... someone who was able to crack the hard exterior of me and get down to my core, unlocking things that I didn't think were possible after being guarded.  Was this true love?  Was it possible with multitudes of communication via email and chat and a face picture to develop such strong feelings.  The answer is yes.  My imagination envisioned him in every scenario we talked about... from laying in bed to sitting in a business meeting to eating breakfast to sipping tea.  And many times, I envisioned myself right next to him.

On the morning that I was going to write a post announcing my deep love, I received some more pictures from him, and to my shock, they looked nothing like the picture I originally had, explained that it was taken 5 years prior, and I sat there feeling that my whole world had fallen apart.  Many things went through my head, including thoughts that he had lied about who he was and I started to question everything he ever said and how things played out.  I immediately felt like the guy I fell in love with died... much like when you idolize a celebrity and then you meet them and they're not at all what you expected, and then you mourn the person that you had in your head... which is called disinfranchised grief.  After a few friends looked at the before and after pictures and couldn't find a resemblance either, I struggled to find the connection to the 'new' person, after all, the feelings that I had were directly connected with that person's heart, weren't they?  The problem was that I couldn't see this new person in any of the scenarios previously mentioned... and the words he said took on new meanings and his reaction took on a persona that I couldn't see coming from the original person.  To be fair, I was trying to understand what he was going through... imagine someone looking at your picture and saying it wasn't you because their mind couldn't pick up on the similarities.  And I tried... I really tried to find those and asked for help in recognizing them, but he was mostly feeling attacked, which I can understand.  I'm not saying he's a liar or was trying to mislead me... I just wanted him to want to show me, and he retreated, somewhat showing a slight admission of guilt... or that he didn't care enough to fight.  There's a saying... if you walk away and they don't come after you, keep walking.  The strong person who had been through so much prior recoiled into a shell, further shielding himself from me.  It was like someone had come along and snatched him up... and replaced him. 

I'm not blaming him for this.  We are victims of circumstance in a situation that was a long shot to begin with, but a travesty in the name of love, regardless.  And while I could say perhaps if we could not survive the first bump in the road, we wouldn't have lasted to begin with... I am sad, none the less, for many reasons.  I am mourning the death of the person in my mind, based on his original picture, that I fell in love with to begin with... looking in his eyes, being illuminated by his smile, feeling his energy and having been inspired by his words and all the good that it brought out in me.  I am also sad because his reaction to all of this makes me question what it really was to begin with... did I falsely interpret my feelings or who he was?  And am I a bad person because this love/heart/mind connection that I have cannot be transferred to another face?  He's the same person, right... and supposedly the same person in the two pictures, just looking different.  I just can't wrap my head around it, even still.

As the poem at the beginning states, we have to be open to love, regardless of the risks and hurt that is involved... and it's much better to have lived and loved and been hurt than not not to love at all.  I am so appreciative for what he brought out in me... the love... the feelings... the creativity... and the ability to take a risk.  I am lucky to have had him in my life.

I've been listening to this song for a few months now... but never really listened to the words.  Considering that he lives overseas and were supposed to be meeting for the first time in a few weeks... and that I was just away on a tropical island sitting by a window feeling the breeze and thinking about him and he thought about hopping on a plane to meet me in Cancun... it's uncanny how perfect it is for this situation.

Home Swee... (Ah, Nevermind)

Where's my freshly-squeezed melon juice and my chunky-cut papaya?  Where is the mint on my pillow and my big fluffy spa slippers?  Where's my ocean breeze and swaying palms?  Where are my hot, tanned boys in flip flops?  WHO RAINED ON MY PARADE?

After a 13 hour travel day, we finally made it home around midnight last night, welcomed by rain coming down in buckets.  This morning, I open my sash and what do I see?  FRIGGIN' SNOW!  Who called for this shit?  And we may be getting 3-5 inches of it.  It just makes you wonder why, out of all the areas in the world, we choose to live in a place with such shitty weather when there are better options.

I went downstairs and, low and behold, there's my Dad and his toast, just as I had left him.  After a few interchanges of how the weather was and he couldn't figure out how to put the time on the microwave and worried about it all week long... I moved on to getting laundry done... and I've got three loads of it.

Today, I'm off to the gym at some point (I retained my weight while gone) and plan to sip my latte without having to have a translator to communicate "no foam" and a calculator to convert pesos to dollars... and read the hell out of my Hollywood magazines.  My DVR is full to the brim, overflowing with trashy entertainment goodness.  Yes folks, this... indeed... is my life.

Leaving For Home Today

I'm sitting in the chair I've been blogging in all week long... the window is open and a huge, warm breeze is blowing in as I overlook the swaying palm trees... the pool... and the turquoise water of the ocean.  It's a moment in time that I won't soon forget and it's been home for me for a week, as well as a portal to those that I love.  As phenomenal as it is, I am ready to head home... I could use a dose of slushy, cold weather... the sight of some toast crumbs (via my Dad's breakfast) and my own pillow and woobie... in other words, home.  I'm taking home memories in my mind and some sand in my suitcase... and tearing up over leaving a piece of my heart.

As a landscaper, it's been inspiring to be around greenery again in the middle of winter, which will carry me through the next month or so until the buds pop up out of the ground, looking for some spring sunshine, offering hope of better weather to come and reminding us that through hardship, pushing through the bloom rewards us with beauty.  I leave you with some of the floral beauty of Cancun:  (Double click, then click again for detail)

Glamour Shots, Cancun

I know it's pretentious... but.... Mike and I were playing Olan Mills Photography Studio (lol)

A Million Miles Away

I just wanted to say that I truly appreciate everyone's support lately.    It's good to have a support system.  Oddly, for me... most of my friends live far away from me or I don't see them often or they are from other blogs and I've never met them before.  The people I do see, barely knew I was gone... time to make some changes and concentrate on those that matter most to me.  Maybe that's why when I don't have an internet connection, I feel cut off, because my family are the people on here and the people far away from me.  I'm leaving Cancun tomorrow... my mind is already out of here back into my own surroundings... where I can get back into my routines and have more time to catch up with everyone. 

More Pics From Xplor

A Great Place To Be

As the days wind down and the vacation comes to a close, I am neither saddened nor anxious to get home as I always am... realizing that I have everything I need in my heart right now.  And while I didn't depart from a heavy work schedule to get here, to treat yourself with such paradise should be a requirement as a human being.  I'd recommend selling your youngest child or a lung to get here, since it's that vital to your state of mind and well-being.  We have today and tomorrow and leave Saturday.

Yesterday's trip tired the hell out of me, and despite being exhausted, we pushed and went to the gym today.  I'm not sure where I am weight wise since I haven't gone buck-wild eating here, but I have had to make some not so healthy choices out of necessity.  I'm glad that we worked out every day except yesterday.  I feel so much better about myself, I can't even put it into words.  It's like I have shed the old me that's a stranger now, erased from my body and my mind.  What a healthy state to be in.  I'm not quite there and I'll be glad to be back home where I can control my workout and food intake more closely, but I'm proud of where I am in my progress.  Thanks for all the support and comments... it helps, but I'm just trying to expose myself... not in a open trenchcoat kind of way, but more in a qualifying way to myself.

I'm off to the pool.  I have no patience for laying out in the sun, but with the pool only a matter of a few feet away and the ocean a little beyond that, It's tough to not take it in.

Fear of Heights: Check

I was up late last night and got up at 6 to get ready to head out to the zip line excursion by 7.  After picking some people up at different hotels and a 45 minute drive on a chartered bus, we finally got to Xplor.  It's a new complex built around some natural caves with stalagmites, etc. that you float underground on a raft through the caves, paddling yourself.  You also drive a 'Gator' amphibious vehicle through the woods on these rough terrain paths that go underground through the caves and through water.  And of course, the zip lines that I mentioned before.  We were fortunate to meet these two twenty year old guys on our bus and hung around with them the whole day, which made it fun... and they turned out to be really great guys.

My fear of heights is a little different than most in that it's not so much looking down that scares me... it's looking out and seeing height in perspective to something else... and moreso, when I look up and can't see what I am standing on any more.  Don't get me wrong, looking down isn't a picnic for me either, so you can imagine my trepidation in agreeing to do the zip lines to begin with.  I try to push through my fears, and this goes down in history as the most progress I've ever made on any one fear.

We decided to do the zip lines first.  There were two sets of seven... and some of them landed you right in pools of lagoon water.  After getting your harness strapped on you and climbing the first platform, probably 100 feet in the air at least, you have to walk out to a slanted edge where they hook you on to the cable.... then they have you sit down and put your feet up and then they let you go.  Let me tell you that this is a biblical experience, and not because I suddenly found Jesus and began praying for my life.  As you glide hundreds of feet over trees and roads and buildings, it's a huge mind-fuck for you not to have a heart attack thinking about falling the whole time.  On the other side is another tower with someone waiting to 'catch' you, unhook you, and send you up a few more flights to the next pod.  You literally went gliding from pod to pod, sometimes overtop a pit with jaguars or aligators in it.  Anyway, we did both sets of seven and went back to do the first set again.  I was so scared at first that the attendants all remembered me hours later from my screams and shrieks and tantrums.  But, by the middle of the second set, I was going first... and by the third, it was second nature.  I craved it and laughed in the face of fear.  Speaking of faces, I'll never forget the look on the face of a cat that was on a roof that I was gliding over... the look of terror was priceless.

27 lines later, an amphibious vehicle ride, a cave rafting trip, a very nice buffet and two new friends (that we are hanging out with for dinner tomorrow night to get all Mike's pictures that he purchased (they randomly take your picture throughout))... we had an awesome day.  Truly a once in a lifetime experience.  I'll be posting more of Mike's pics of him tomorrow from the zip lines... I didn't buy mine because my face was blocked by my white knuckles holding on for dear life or I was in mid-shriek with a stupid expression on my face.  This is an experience that I am not only proud of my accomplishment, but that I will remember for the rest of my life.  I'm thankful that this was on Mike's bucket list and that I went and did it.

We're exhausted and I'm heading up to pass out.  Another great day to be alive.

Josh Groban - Hidden Away

Tanned Hide

After a short pool day (any more tan and I'll have to change my name to Juan),  we went to the trendy shop area and ate at Planet Hollywood.  I had a great spinach salad with grilled chicken, strawberries, peaches, walnuts and gorgonzola cheese... yummy!  I can honestly say that my sytems are really out of whack and I've spent the last couple of days being exhausted, but pushing through it.  After dinner, we walked around the shops, but didn't buy anything.  I've gotten better over time with not buying bric-a-brac and souvenirs that I'll never use.  (Double click for larger picture)

Zip-itty-Do-Da

Last night, Mike and I had a healthy dinner and walked up to the area where all the spring-breakers hang out.  It's where most of the night clubs are, so it's crazy busy with people milling about.  We saw some guy holding a large python, another with a monkey and two guys holding baby lions... it's like a circus.  We didn't drink or go into the clubs, but it was nice to be around all that energy.  Between the heat, the sun, walking a lot, working out every morning and trying not to eat everything in sight, my energy is low... I'm exhausted.  Today, we did our workout at 7 a.m., then hit the breakfast buffet.  They had every kind of frest fruit, plantains, mexican cuisine, an omelet and waffle station, a spread of meats and cheeses, another of baked goods, another of.... let's just say that it was very extensive.  We ate kind of healthy, but I treated myself with my favorite pastry, which has chocolate fudgy goodness in the center.  I will say that although I didn't stuff myself, I felt so guilty for eating a bigger meal and wanted to purge.  Oh well, I'm on vacation.  I'm heading to the pool again in a bit.  My greatest talent in life is tanning, sadly... and with being out there only a few hours so far, I am so dark.  I'll be posting a pic later today.

Tomorrow, we signed up for an excursion 45 minutes south of here almost to Tulum, called Xplor.  I've been here three other times and have done a number of the excursions already.... Tulum, Chitzen Itza, Xel-Ha, Isal Mujares, Cozumel... but Mike hasn't done any of it.  On his bucket list is to do a zip-line, so we picked Xplor because I've never been there, but there's also some caves that you swim through and 8 zip-lines, high above the jungle.  I have a fear of heights and I'm claustrophobic, so I will be pushing my limits tomorrow.  It should be fun... and you only live once.  We'll be gone 12 hours, and for $114.00, that's nothing in comparison.  They also provide you with a locker, a huge buffet on the beach and drinks.  I'm looking forward to it.  They take youre picture while you're zip-lining.... mine will probably be of me screaming though.