A Change Is A Coming

Is happiness something you'll ever find?  Is it a state of being that is constant?  Does it change 5 minutes later when you want something else that you think will make you happy?  Are you really able to sift through the stuff in your mind to tell the difference?  Is your mind playing tricks on you?  What if you think you're happy but you're really not... and maybe you're not challenging yourself enough?  Do you feel that you deserve to be happy?

I've been on a journey of sorts over the last couple of years through this blog to 'find myself', through some workshops and through some life changes.  I'm trying to be honest with myself in finding out who I really am, spiritually, mentally, sexually... I may not have thought it in the past, but I owe it to myself to explore it, since it could change the rest of my life.  More so than spiritually, mentally and sexually, I seek peace with those around me and with myself.  When others dream or fantasize about the life they want surrounded by friends, a family, their family, I fantasize about finding a quiet place where I can go off by myself, like a desert.  Maybe move to a small town where no one knows me.  I find that, especially as I get older, I can't handle the upheaval around me, but to be fair, I need to start with the upheaval inside me.  Looking out into the world and blaming or pointing doesn't do you any good unless you are truly standing in a place where you've looked at yourself completely, first.  Knowing yourself is one thing; being something better is another.

I like who I am.  I like my set of values and morals.  I like my sense of spontaneity and adventure.  I like my thirst for knowledge and questioning.  I like my satire and sarcasm.  At some point though, you have to look at how you being you gets you through the day and how it effects your life.  My values have held me back in experiencing things.  My adventurous side counteracts my stability.  My knowledge quest is slowly driving me crazy.  And my outlook may be a direct cause of my outcome.  This all may or may not be... but I owe it to myself to find out.  "Your own worst enemy" is a theme that rings loudly in my life.  What could my life have been if I didn't constantly derail it?

When I was younger, I was chasing the corporate dream to climb the ladder to success.  That is no longer a part of me or, rather, my definition of success is no longer a part.  With less than I had then, making less than I made then, having a lesser title than I had then... I have more now than I did then.  I'm happy about that, and it's been a step in the right direction.  Am I striving for a long robe, shaved head and a fistful of daisies to hand out at the airport?  No.

I'm not big on receiving gifts, but my friend Robin gave me a yoga book, CD and mat to get me started.  My friend Michael lent me his books on Buddhism.  I'll be taking them to Florida to look at.  To give or share insight is perhaps one of the most beautiful gifts because not only does it mean that the person took the time to understand who you are, but cares enough about where you're going and wants to help in the journey.  Those gifts are invaluable.  Someone can lead you to the fork in the road, but they can't make you choose which direction.  It's up to you.