Vice Grip

Today is a perfect example of how one part good intentions mixed with one part anxiety and two parts depression makes for a full day of taped shows, bad Lifetime programming and lethargic ass-laying-aroundness...  I was supposed to start cleaning today and got none of it started, let alone any of it done.  I got a little derailed this week with the threat of rain (that we finally just had) and. I was holding off on an outside project or two that I could have gotten done.  You think I would have learned not to trust weathermen and the radar by now... maybe I was secretly hoping or looking for an excuse?

In this business, it's hard on these kinds of days not to beat myself up when I just sit and do nothing.  I'm not wired for it... and mentally, it's a disaster in the making.  I guess when I'm busy, the endorphines are going and I'm accomplishing things.  When I'm not, I'm not, and that's not good for me.  Lately, with the addition of all the time that I've had since not doing massage, I'm adjusting to whatever my next step is... I just don't know what it is, is all.  March, April and May were so busy for me with work that 12+ hour days seem normal to me and I get used to it... and it's that catch-22 environment where I thrive, but burn out.  In those three months, I probably worked 5 technically, and I have to remember that at times like this, because right now, I feel useless.  Today was the first real showing of my unmedicated depression in a long while.

I feel the constant weight of my Dad's situation.  Most times, I want to run out of here.  Worrying about him, his finances, the house sale, my brother's situation... it all weighs down on me, not in an isolated incident kind of way any more... but as a constant suffocation.  I sit here thinking about how great it would be to finally get that house sold and fix his problems and then I might be able to breathe... so I sit here every day, holding my breath for something to happen... paralyzed... and this has been going on for a year and a half now.

I held off going away this week, but I think that it's what I need at this point.  I think the sun might be good for my mind... and being away from this all will be the break that I need.