No New Tricks Taught

There's an undeniable connection between Jesse and me that I think will always be there.  It's something that I have never understood and, being a person that has to have things defined and labled, whether it be friendships or job roles or whatever, it's how I am made up.  Some of that comes from my episode of sexual harrassment when I was younger... and it helps me, more so, to keep other people in check.  I have had situations where people who were supposedly my friend do something that was out of the boundries of our defined relationship, and then I get hurt.  I feel like I'm a very trusting person and give a lot right off-the-bat whereas other people hold back in what they give until they can trust... with me, if you say you are my friend, then act like it... or if I'm in a relationship, then act like it, etc...  Innocent until proven guilty rather than the other way around.  And although that method throws the responsibility back on the other person to manage, I still wind up managing it myself, probably more so... it's just how I am wired.

I was brought up with very traditional parents in an odd situation, being adopted.  There are mixed messages that I have had to sort through (one set of parents didn't want me and one set chose to), and I am fortunate, knowing what a mess my birth parents were, that my adoptive parents were so basic and straightforward and traditional.  In molding myself, I have used them as my guide... my Mom stayed home and took care of us (my caregiver tendencies) and my Dad did his job as the man of the house and worked hard (strong work ethic).  I can't, no matter how much I have tried over the years, have a different perspective on what a relationship is or isn't.  I am in a rut in my mind and I don't think that will ever change with a new concept.

Having said all that, with the age difference between us (and with my caregiver tendencies), I can't help but fall into the parent role whether he asks for it or wants it.  It's something that I take on and there are definitely times where he needs it, whether he wants to admit it or not.  It's something that I provide and it comes automatically with my relationship experience over the years and who I am.  Sadly, with all that I have been taking care of with my family, it's a double-edged sword sometimes and it becomes overwhelming.  I also have to wonder when someone will take care of me, even if I don't allow them to or won't give up the reigns which, when I feel like they can responsibly handle it, I do.  My relationship with my ex, John, was like that, where I trusted him enough to take care of me.  No matter how I try, I don't think that I will ever feel that with Jesse at his age, and I'm not getting any younger... and that's something that I need as I do get older.  Between all that and just a total difference in where we are in our lives and interests and friends/social situations, I don't see a future for us, and as long as we have tried this over and over, I have only seen glimpses of hope throughout.  And while I thought that I would be able to just go along with it blindly, just having fun and letting love be enough despite, I can't.

It's an odd situation with us... and we keep getting drawn together through some mysterious force.  Is it true love?  Soulmates?  Or is it that we just fill some need that we have.  And while he is living his life as any other 24 year old would, I am living mine in my age bracket and never the two shall meet.  I can't expect him to understand the things that I am going through and, although I lived through his age, I think that I did it when I was about 17 and don't remember anything about it or how it works.  I thought that things might have changed with him growing up more since last time and me trying to be in a different frame of mind about wanting less out of a relationship, but neither is happening and I'm not sure it should.

For me, I am very happy that I am even interested in a relationship at this point, epecially after a few years of being jaded... not that I'm going to run out and get into one any time soon.  There are a few things that I want to do at this point, but it feels good to have an open heart again.

I'm not sure what this means for us as far as our friendship beyond this... it seems like it's always been all or nothing.  We've tried being just friends in the past, but it's hard.  Jesse has the biggest heart and an innocence about him... he is smart and funny, kind and beautiful, inside and out... and that all makes him totally loveable... which is something I will always do... love him.