Baby Names

It's no secret that I'm not a kid person.  I don't get them, I never was one and if I won one in a card game or on a game show, I'd just rather have the money.  I think they all look alike and, fresh out of the momma belly, I would be like 'you better hose that bitch off before you put it in my arms... I ain't havin' that'.  And they are all ugly (like the baby in the picture)... someone is calling that thing their 'bundle of joy'... meanwhile, we all know it's 'nobody's pretty child', more like it. The Dad must be really hairy, I guess... I think that's the neighbor's kid... he can bite a hog through a picket fence.  "A place for everything and everything in it's place"... I'm not sure if that was a saying about organizational skills or babies, but I believe babies have their own place... in the trunk of the car... while I'm getting myself that cute little blue jersey number in the window of Kohl's or whilst I'm sipping on a beverage of my chosing at a trendy cafe.  On the other hand, they are kind of useful when they can push a lawnmower or make tennis shoes, but the law gets dicey on that subject, so let's just say my official stance on that (for the record) is that "I don't go for that sort of thing"... (but if they're old enough to tie their shoes, what's the harm in having them bang out a few hightops?).  Just sayin'.

My friend Pam, on her blog, was talking about baby names, and how they're so different from when we were young.  Everyone is trying to come up with the most unique names... sometimes after cars (Mercedes, Lexus, Hyundai Sonata), some after nature (Brook, Stream, Toxic Spill)... and sometimes after food (Saffron, Sage, (and believe it or not, I have run into a girl in the 90's with the name) Lasagna Johnson.

I think a name should say something about a person, but sometimes can backfire.  Parents have to choose names that will empower but have to think about what happens if the names don't self-fulfill.... like the old joke, Bob, and the kid winds up having no arms and just sort of goes up and down in the water... or Grace, and the bitch runs into things or Tripp, and it keep falling down..  I've always liked babies to have names like Silence.... Serenity.... and, my favorites, Sleepy and her twin sister, Lethargic. Although Absent, Void and Missing are all good ones as well. I'd be just like any other Mom when it comes to baby names... I'd have to give them a few to make sure to be trendy and to hope for the best.  Perhaps a name that highlights their heritage or how they came to be... (and here's an example of using a middle name as well)... Random Dick.

When I was growing up, I hated my name. The only other 'David' that I knew of was David Soul from music's "Don't Give Up On Me Baby" and TV's 'Starsky and Hutch'. Then, when I became a gay in the late 80's, I had 12 of my closest friends turn out having the name David... so I had to come up with nicknames, like Little David, Dance-his-ass-off David, Slutty David (he was always a party favorite), etc. etc. Just by their nickname, the large group of friends knew exactly who we were talking about.

Alas, I was always just 'David'. My Mom was the only one to ever call me 'Dave', and usually when she was mad at me. A little known fact about me, I don't have a middle name... neither does my brother (my Mom wasn't creative... or maybe she didn't want to personalize us just in case she wanted to return us).  I'm not sure why, but gay men always go by their full names... Michael instead of Mike, William instead of Bill, Richard instead of Dick (oh wait, there's always exceptions to that one).