Now

"Own your crazy"... is something I've been saying for many years and have adopted as my mantra.  For whatever reason... a vagabond biological mother who was always unsettled in life placement and partner... an unstable biological father that took his life... being adopted... being gay... being a Gemini... not going to college... being clinically depressed in the past... all of these factors could have contributed to who I became as a person over the years and why I've always had unrest.  At last count, I've moved 37 times in my life, and I'm 44 (or will be in a month or so).  I've had a number of career changes and show a pattern of the derailment of my own success.  And yet, here I am.  Somehow, I always bounce back, rooted heavily in the security I have in being insecure; knowing that whatever happens, I will be OK. 

I've spoken recently a little about the Strength's Finder Test that I took and talked a little bit about what it revealed about me.  Along that same line of thought (concentrate on what your strengths are rather than trying to change your weaknesses), my ex, Greg, helped me realize that I am who I am... it's probably too late to change much of that... and that I should embrace that whole-heartedly in my life in all aspects... hence, "Own your crazy".  It wasn't until I stopped fighting myself and my every move that I became happy, albeit after a rough period.  After a few reckless moves, I've kind of reeled it in a bit and I'm now at even-keel.

It's hard to pinpoint this period that I'm going through.  While I am 44 and date some younger guys and it seems like I'm flitting all over the place, I'm probably the most settled I've been in a long time... which is funny since, in my current life... nothing is permanent.  My Dad and I rent a place... my business is seasonally contracted... and I don't have a committed relationship.  The only thing permanent is that I know that nothing is permanent and that's OK with me.  In the meantime, I'm trying to live life as simply, but richly, as I can.  That realization that I probably will have a few more careers throughout my lifetime... will be working until the day I die... and that I'll probably move a dozen more times has overflowed recently into my thought process with relationships.  I did the relationship thing from 20 - 39... and I've just recently come to the realization that it's OK that I'm single and that I will probably have people coming in and out of my life.

Getting out of the career pathways self-ingrained by me since I was a kid was difficult.  It was a real mind-fuck to go from a Joe Corporate identity to a Joe the Plumber mentality, settling into massage and landscaping.  My whole identity was how much money I made and what my title was... a fascade of my self-esteem issues of not having a degree.  Once I got past that, I got happy.  And the same goes with my narrow-minded thought process of always having to be in a relationship.  It was a turning point last week.  Slowly, I am making some progress. 

Although I have had the radical life changes, the bout with depression... I don't think that I had a mid-life crisis.  And even though it looks as though I'm displaying some of the tell-tale signs (dating younger guys, working out, going out single), that's not what this is.  For the first time in my life, I have put me first.  I am spending time on me, whether it be self-reflection or taking care of my health or doing things that I want to do... at 44, it's time.  I'm happy with the skin I'm in.

This year, there are some things that I want to try to accomplish.  I want to go to Burning Man ... I want to attend a gay pride parade of a major city, like NYC or Toronto... I want to take a few weeks to drive across the country... and get a tattoo.  These are a few of the things that I've wanted to do for some time but never do.  I'm awake... the time is now.