Dewey Decimal D@vid

"Review At A Later Point"

That's where I filed grief and problems under in the filing system in my mind throughout the years.  As you can well imagine, that system not only got to be large in size, but overwhelming to sort through.  Just like with bills and receipts, it's much easier to process and file them as they come, because once they get in a stack, they just sit there, compounded by a constant onslaught of new ones.

Since I was in my late teens, I was always in a position of management, receiving a barrage of problem after problem, having to be strong and continue pushing through it... and that's how I developed a special room filled with cabinets in my mind for my own problems, with everyone else's problems being more important, needing immediate attention.  'Deal with it another day' became a process for me that worked for a long while, but caught up with me.  When I had a break up, I usually didn't think about it until I broke up with the next person, looking back at what went wrong with responsibility or regret, but in a delayed reaction.  With some well-placed therapy and writing this blog, I've been able to open some of the drawers, delving deep into stored thoughts and emotions, and it's been very helping in my moving on and growing.  For some of my long-time readers, you've been through my childhood issues, my brother, being adopted and a whole slew of personal triumphs over the last two years in my previous posts.  It's been the most productive two years of my life.

As a result of this filing system, I'm not a person that cries.  Ever.  I cried when my Mom died, but only when I saw a relative cry, and I think it was out of empathy for them, not my own reaction to what was happening.  I also had to step up at that point and take charge of my family, so I had a lot on my mind... I was back in management mode and didn't give myself time to grieve.  I had no choice.

I was very apprehensive yesterday going to the funeral home.  I've talked about this before in previous posts how I think that the funeral home ritual is barbaric if not at least torturous on the family... especially with the Italians and drawing it out to a minimum of 3 days filled with viewings and services.  I barely made it through the front door last night when I saw John's niece and started bawling.  I walked 10 feet into the viewing room and met up with a friend of his and again, bawled.  And when I finally made my way up to the coffin, I was a complete mess, sobbing uncontrollably, and for a half hour later in unexplainable bursts, even standing off to the side by myself.   After about an hour, I gained composure and was fine.  A weight was lifted... I felt clearer... I was able to move on from mourning his death to celebrating his life.  What was this strange process?  Could it be grieving?  Mourning?  Revelation?  Whatever it was, it felt good, much like throwing up after a night of partying; no one wants to but you know you will feel much better in the morning, so you force yourself.

Ok, I get it now.  You need to process things right then and there.  You need to allow yourself whatever emotions come over you rather than stuffing them back in, because it's only then that you can move forward.  And surprisingly, feeling better.  In the past, I may have held on to feelings that he died by himself or was dealt a bad hand in life... but now I see that he lived a life, although short, that was rich with love from family and friends... doing exactly what he wanted to when he wanted to do it... and on his terms.

I am thankful for all he has done for me... and for the time that I had with him.  For the lessons he taught me... and is still teaching me after he is gone.