Boom

I've been stuck in a non-productive shame spiral over the last week or so.  Not to sound like a broken record, but in my business, erratic weather this time of year not only wreaks havoc on productivity, but on my stress, guilt levels and eventually, my depression cycle as well.  It's been something that I've mentioned a few times already this season, so I didn't want to sound repetitive and whiney, and kept it in.  But that's not good for me... and considering that my blog is my release, holding it in does exactly what I try to avoid.

Over the last few days, I have gotten up and it's been off and on snowing and raining and cold.  So I turn the weather on and I get a confirmation of more of the same.  Maybe I'll get dressed and load the truck up, only to have it rain on my way and have to turn around.  Just coming off of a few months of down time, I am eager to get working for not only my body, but my mind as well.  The stress of a heavy front-loaded schedule in April and May add to my frustration... followed by the guilt of not getting anything done and, in the back of my mind, the self-inflicted pressure of my clients wondering where I am.  The stress builds as the pressure to get the cleanup, mulching and planting done by a certain amount of time builds... coupled with being paid by contract to do the job and the guilt of not being there but being paid to be.  Lastly in the cycle is sitting here helpless with my hands tied at the mercy of the weather... and having more down time that I don't know what to do with myself except think about all of this, and the cycle repeats the next day.

It's wonderful that I have a job that I love... but sometimes I just want a job where I can go to work and bang my head up against the wall, but at least feel like I have somewhere to go every day.  It's maddening, truly.  Fortunately, I have working out, but over the last couple of days, I haven't even felt like doing that.  I sit here paralyzed.  There's nowhere that I want to be... in other words, I don't want to be anywhere.  I get depressed and my whole psyche falls apart just that quickly.  Thoughts creep in that I thought were handled and that adds to my feeling of going backwards, let alone not making any forward progress.  Plain and simple, I need to work or I self-destruct.  I have been uninspired to do anything.  Not a good place to be.

I posted a poem yesterday but quickly took it down.  I feel like I want to explode sometimes and not venting on here makes me a boiling pot of emotions, trying to get out in any way possible.  I don't know whether to madly laugh or cry any more.  After doing so well, this is the demon that I fight again... myself.  Incredible but true... a sunny day can make a world of difference.