I was doing a BP store up in Greentree and had a very nice visit from Matt, with danish and a beverage of my choosing in-hand. It was great to have a friend interested in what I do. It got me to thinking that I should clarify some misconceptions. A few readers have written in to my editorial department with some questions: (assume they all start out 'Dear David, you fantastic landscaper, you...')
Tell me a little bit about mulch:
Mulch is dead everything... sticks, leaves, branches, dirt, stones, plastic... whatever ends up in there... I've found hypodermic needles, matchbox car wheels, milk carton tops... you name it. That is all shredded up and put in a gynormous pile where the composting takes place... a natural chemical breakdown or fermenting of all that crap. When it does this, it produces lots of heat and smells like warm shit. So not only do you have to contend with the sun and humidity, add to it the steaming mulch. What mulch isn't, is a blanket of weed protection... it helps some, but not always. You will always have weed. Once laid, mulch isn't the kids ball room at Ikea or Gymboree, so keep your kids off of it... it's not a giant litter box... nor is it a giant ashtray for your butts. In essence, stay off the mulch always. I hate foot prints on my mulch.
Don't you find red mulch to be sooooo classy?
No, it's trashy and fad-like, just as lava rocks in the 70's, white marble chips in the 80's and river rock in the 90's. This isn't the big island of Hawaii, Sicily or the banks of some river in upper New York state. Stick to brown mulch. Red mulch fades and washes off so quickly... I think they use Hawaiian Punch to color it. Landscapers all laugh at you when you have/want red mulch (while we are all together eating our lunch at the Taco Bell waiting for the truck to take us back over the border, when I am known simply as 'Paco').
Do you like my solar accent lighting?
No, it's trashy and fad-like, just like red mulch. They are always leaning caddy-wampus and half of them don't light up. And when they do light up, it usually makes your house look like a blue light special at K-Mart. It just says you don't know how to hard-wire. Pay someone who does know how.
It must be great to be outdoors in the sun all day long, picking dandelions and laying in the grass...
Ah... that's not exactly what i do every day. Today, I moved 14 yards of mulch which took me about 10 hours... the pile was 5 feet high by 12 feet long by 8 feet wide. Probably loaded 350 wheelbarrows. That's about 13,000 lbs. Since I don't bend over and poop mulch, I do have to order it, it has to be moved from a big, honking pile and, contrary to popular belief, even though it's dead wood, it costs money and I have to pay for it. Don't ask to barter for a gift certificate or something... unless you are going to break your back like I'll have to or give me a vital organ, don't even go there. As far as the sun, even with 75 spf protection, I get burned to a crisp. Although I am mediterranical and have a warm olive hue to my complexion, don't mistake it for what it really is... radioactivity. Bitch can still get cancer. If my arms don't fall off first.
With the craft truck (the truck with the food on it that feeds the Hollywood stars on-set) parked outside the job, you must get to eat all day long?
When I work with Mike, since he never eats, I don't get to either. And when I do eat, from bending over so much, often times I throw up in my mouth a little bit.
You're such a machine... how do keep going?
Lots of pop, coffee, candy and junk food... plus, I feed off my winter fat for energy. Being called 'fat girl' by Mike is a good motivator as well (He verbally abuses me. I have to keep my Union rep on speed dial). All that, and my sheer will power to get the job done and get the fuck out of there.
When you call me, I call you back and you don't answer seconds later... Why?
I don't keep my phone on me. It's usually in the truck. I have tight gloves on and they are covered in mud, as I am... and sweat... drenched in it. I don't break often so I don't check my phone. I may send you a text, but put the phone down and walk away from it for another couple hours. It's very difficult to carry on a conversation while you are raking/pushing a wheelbarrow/picking dandelions. Come see me on the job site (and bring danish).
It must be great to be your own boss?
Yea... I'm my own boss... right after Mother Nature, the mulch delivery schedule and the whims of every housewife who wants red mulch and the ability of their check to clear. Every waking hour is spent feeling guilty that I should be doing some job somewhere. And people don't get that you have other jobs going on. It's sunny, so why aren't you at my house?... (they think).
How nice that you get to work with Mike sometimes...
Lazy bitch is usually picking dandelions, laying in the grass somewhere. We very rarely work in tandem and usually are on opposite sides of the job (on purpose)... bitch gets on my last gay nerve. Other than him bringing his dog on the jobs (and even she has walked off a job or two) , the only other pleasant thing about working with him is when he trips and falls or steps in poop or touches poison ivory... that's pretty funny. That brings a little sunshine to my day.
I have put fresh mulch down again this year and cuddled my plants in it like a fuzzy blanket... why are my plants dying?
Assume that you have put 3 inches of mulch (probably red) down this year, and the same last year and so on and so on... and you're probably one of those that puts plastic down as well. How do you think that it's possible for the plant to absorb any rain water, trying to get it through 9 inches of dead wood? Remove the old before you put down the new... and plastic stops rain from getting into the ground at all, as well as stops the root systems from expanding. The deeper I have to go to find dirt to plant something, the deeper you'll have to go into your wallet.
I have some extra time/will be losing my job/am looking for a hobby/love picking dandelions... I should come work for you...
No offense, but it takes a certain kind of person to keep going through all the sweat, mud, steaming poop-smelling mulch, skin cancer, hail/rain/wind, red mulch and lopsided solar lights... throwing up in your mouth a little bit, and putting up with Mike. I don't know one of my friends who could physically do it and/or/in combination with, let alone have the perseverance to finish the job without quitting beforehand... try Wal-Mart... they're not allowed to call you fat girl, you won't sweat and they have to give you a break (although they may not pay you for it (see pending lawsuit)).
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