Life's Lesson Plan Isn't Written In Pen

It's only been in the last couple years that I have opened up more about my hang-ups and have worked on them. Issues with sex, relationships and my body have all been worked through, mainly through my blog but, oddly, even having worked through them, I seem to return to my basic morals, standards and ideals. I guess I've laxed a bit and I'm not so uptight, but I genuinely believe what I believe and basically stick to it. It's the way I was raised and what I feel is right.

Last Fall and the previous December, I took the Celebrating The Body Erotic workshop presented by The Body Electric School  (See Workshop Synopsis Video) ... and my posts from the (First Day of Class) and (Second Day of Class).  The ways this class changed me are profound... mainly in opening up, trusting, receiving, confidence and body and self approval.  I am definitely a different person.  With my plan of growth and looking inward, I signed up for the second class in the series, over the weekend of July 30th.  I had some apprehension with the subject matter... the first class focusing on erotic energy in the frontal region... this class focused on exploration around the bend, if you get my drift.  Being a 'dominant' person, I have had little experience with this topic both out of physical uncomfortableness... and control/mind issues.  However, being a Gemini... and always looking for ways to challenge myself... and to grow in any way I can, I thought that it might be time to look into... after all, I could be missing something.  Granted, I've faired well all these years just as I am...

When I'm with someone, I believe that my body is theirs.  Being a strict monogamist, I would never touch anyone or want to be touched... and my beliefs go as far as even showing my body beyond my relationship.  It's like night and day when I am dating someone... and I am 110% fine with that.  So, needless to say, after meeting John, I started to feel anxious about the upcoming class that I literally signed up for the day before I met him.  First of all, we haven't even explored each other... and here I'd be in a situation with strangers first, and taking into consideration the beliefs I stated, I feel that it would be cheating, even though the workshop isn't set up as a sexual outlet and that's not my purpose for attending.  As my anxiety grew, I felt I had to talk to John about it.

In the short time that we've been together, it almost doesn't make sense that I'd consider his input, but this relationship means a great deal to me already.  I'm falling in love with this guy... and what he thinks matters to me.  So I showed him the video and tried to explain the first class and what this one entailed and I watched as the color left his face and we had to take a break from the conversation.  Some of it was due to his being younger... some of it his lack of experience... some of it may have been his own issues of acceptance... but the crux of it was because he genuinely liked me, which I thought was the adult way to react.  He also said that it was my decision and he didn't want me to regret anything.  Had he looked at it as something disgusting or something sexual or with jealousy, I may have questioned the whole situation, including pursuing a relationship further.  Instead, taking my first intuition, believing in what we're working towards... and making a decision with my heart instead of my head, I decided to cancel the class.  It simply wasn't the right time.

I don't know when the right time will be, perhaps if at all.  My friend Robin made some good points... first, that I have the ability to make a decision quickly and I rarely regret that decision and should go with my gut... secondly, that class is going to be there, whereas the chance at this relationship will not be.  Lastly, she reminded me how special this connection is that we have and the fact that I was thinking emotionally rather than logically is growth in and of itself. 

When fate throws two people together, you have to ask yourself 'why?'.  What's the lesson to be learned from this person?  This is hopefully the first of many.