Getting Back to the Future

I've never been an overly patient person, at least when it comes to waiting.  When I was in my early twenties, I was hard-pressed to climb the corporate ladder and it couldn't happen fast enough.  I was always looking to some future time where I'd have what I wanted, over-flowing with goals and ambition.  In my late twenties and early thirties, I was in relationships and was enjoying my life in the present with my partner.  In my late thirties, all hell broke loose and I was forced to take a long look at all aspects of my life and make some major changes.  With the spiraling depression and hard times in my early forties, I began to delve into my past and work through some issues, and so the therapeutic outlet, this blog, was born.

On January 27th, 2009, I wrote my first blog post ( Land Rage ), declaring the purpose of this blog as a way to vent my frustrations.  Over the years, it went from that, to entertaining people, to working through some hard issues to chronicling my daily life.  Incarnated as "Trouble in my Bubble" (realizing my problems in my life) to "Ruminations of my own Vacuity" (taking a look at the emptiness inside) to "Another Mile Marker" (making strides of progress).  I've touched upon my religious beliefs, being gay, being adopted, family issues including dealing with my elderly father, addict brother and nephew, the death of my mother, sexual preferences and issues, moral beliefs, political views, depression and suicide, financial ruin, running my businesses, body issues, relationships and a slew of other topics everywhere in between... and my process to learn and grow from them.

Writing became a way to express myself, get things out in the open to face them and think aloud so that I could work through the issues, learn from them and move the fuck on.  Although very cathartic, it posed some problems as well.  There were a couple of haters and a stalker... my life was under constant scrutiny from strangers, there was pressure to post and pressure to entertain and my original objective of saying what I wanted without recourse weaned as I had to think about who my reader was going to be and how they'd react.  At times, I felt like I needed another anothermilemarker that no one knew about to get back to the root of my purpose.  Having every detail of who you are posted on the Internet posed it's own problems when it came to dating, since once spilling my guts about who I am in the blog made it difficult to have to explain it all again to a new person... and I'd wind up saying 'it's in the blog'.  I've always been the kind of person that, if I was mad at you, I'd sit down and take three hours to write the perfect letter, then I usually wouldn't send it because I felt better... so, lastly, this purging and cleansing process has made me feel a little empty as a person.  It's kind of like having book for sale and someone tore the guts out of it and nailed it to the bulletin board.  Who I am is now this blog.  That became apparent to me yesterday when I reached out to my half-sister for the first time in two years and when she asked me what I've been up to... I couldn't think of anything.  My first instinct was to say 'it's in the blog'.

After working through the issues, I'm now able to apply what I've learned in my new relationship with John.  For the first time in many many years, I am looking ahead to the future.  To be able to do that, I need to let go of the past and, to some degree, the present.  Analyzing my every move and thought at this point seems to be holding me back.  It's become drudgery trying to come up with things to talk about.  I've become complacent in my ambitions... and apathetic in my causes living only for today, with a foot in the past.  It's time to move forward... and so, I have decided to stop blogging for an undetermined time period.

I've made so many friends over the last couple of years... the support has been astounding, sometimes more than that in my circle of friends.  I have learned so much from so many people and received countless words of wisdom that helped shape who I am.  I enjoy writing... and some say that I am good at it... so perhaps I will try another writing avenue... but, for now, I'm going to hang up my writing hat and live my life for the future.

Feeling overcommunicated sometimes, I'm going to limit my online communications to Facebook, and those that wish to stay in touch with me may do so by adding me ( Friend Me On Facebook ), or through my email address, pittguy2008@comcast.net.  Although I have gotten out of touch with a lot of the blogs that I was reading, I'll continue to do so.  I believe there is a way to download the contents of my blog, so I'm looking into that, as I don't want to lose my 2.5 year online journal... and I will be leaving my blog up... and will make periodic entries so that it doesn't get deleted. I'm most proud of my earlier writing, especially that of my family... it can be pretty funny/sarcastic... and the earlier times were more entertaining.  For those who have met me in the more recent surge of followers over the last 6 or 7 months, I invite you to go back through and browse some of those earlier posts.

A special thanks to my friend, Matt, for encouraging me to blog to begin with.... John at Going Gently for being my oldest and most consistent reader... and my friend, Robin at Life In Queue... for being the biggest supporter of my writing, biggest fan... and the only person that I know that went back, started from the beginning, and read every post... and John, who is learning to love me exactly as I am... crazy and all.

Thank you so much for your input... your support... your interest... your kind words and your love... and for sharing this bumpy ride of a journey.

D@vid