Tonight, my brother went to the horseshoe courts to see my Dad. And although he didn't ask for money, he did arrange a ride to work tomorrow, and for who knows how long, stating it would probably be that way until he got a car. This is a double-edged sword, first abusing my Dad (like he has no choice in whether to do it or not) and making us feel guilty that he doesn't have a way to work and that we should help him with getting a car as well.
After kicking my brother out of the house, putting some things on the back porch and cutting him off from money and our participation in anything, my Dad continues to enable him. Until he is living in a box in the street or has to walk 7 miles to work to keep his job or has to use his own money to live on rather than spending it on drugs, he will never change (which is a fantasy at this point in his addiction any way). By sending this message that we will cave in after a few days is not helping him, it's enabling him to rely on someone else and not do for himself. He claims he has not brushed his teeth in two days despite me putting his toothbrush/paste on the back porch days ago. It falls behind finding drugs on his list of priorities, but is high up on the list of things to make others guilty about. If I put a twenty dollar bill on the porch, he would have been over there in ten minutes.
There isn't any support groups that I can find that don't use the 12 step AA (resign to a higher power/God) philosphy that I can't believe in. I think it would be productive for my Dad to go to one of the meetings to hear other's stories, which are exactly like ours, really. Part of me wants to yell at my Dad for caving (but he hates himself enough already for doing it)... we can never get a clean breaking point from him and not go back to 'helping' him. The other part doesn't have the energy to keep doing this and turns a blind eye to it until it all falls apart again and I have to pick up the pieces again. I'm tired. The only thing that I have to support me is anger.
After kicking my brother out of the house, putting some things on the back porch and cutting him off from money and our participation in anything, my Dad continues to enable him. Until he is living in a box in the street or has to walk 7 miles to work to keep his job or has to use his own money to live on rather than spending it on drugs, he will never change (which is a fantasy at this point in his addiction any way). By sending this message that we will cave in after a few days is not helping him, it's enabling him to rely on someone else and not do for himself. He claims he has not brushed his teeth in two days despite me putting his toothbrush/paste on the back porch days ago. It falls behind finding drugs on his list of priorities, but is high up on the list of things to make others guilty about. If I put a twenty dollar bill on the porch, he would have been over there in ten minutes.
There isn't any support groups that I can find that don't use the 12 step AA (resign to a higher power/God) philosphy that I can't believe in. I think it would be productive for my Dad to go to one of the meetings to hear other's stories, which are exactly like ours, really. Part of me wants to yell at my Dad for caving (but he hates himself enough already for doing it)... we can never get a clean breaking point from him and not go back to 'helping' him. The other part doesn't have the energy to keep doing this and turns a blind eye to it until it all falls apart again and I have to pick up the pieces again. I'm tired. The only thing that I have to support me is anger.
I used to be a psychiatric nurse before working for most of my career with spinal injuries....your anger is understandable and useful for you to keep your resolve, and you know that it is not your responsibilty to sort your brother out.
ReplyDeleteThe people that are close to self abusers, need to survive themselves and the only thing to do now is to be selfish and look after yourself and your dad.
get your brother to read your blog.
regards
john
David - Please take care of yourself. You know we had an addict in the family and I was the last one to turn away....I just kept running when he called until I finally just reached that breaking point. 25 years later, he's still in and out of rehab (from what I hear), but thankfully we were able to remove ourselves from his manipulating. I know it's different because he was an "out-law" and divorce is a very useful tool for lancing a boil if you will......you have EVERY RIGHT to be angry and I really think you should get some support for yourself. It would be helpful just to be able to talk to someone that's outside the situation. There's gotta be another program out there that's not the 12 step deal.....if I come up with anything, I'll let you know - in the meantime, TAKE CARE OF YOU. Lean on your friends for support too.....I'm here if you ever need me.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.samhsa.gov/
ReplyDeleteLots of resources here....and it looks like the programs are broken down between "faith-based" and "evidence-based", so that may be a start.....